I am afraid (yet excited) about having four kids. In the last volume of things I was afraid to tell you, I wrote that I was afraid I would forever mourn the fact that we would be just a family of four. Life has a funny way of working out, doesn’t it? As the boys got older, I looked forward to a relatively ‘freer’ way of life, with both in school, and playing more independently. But something was missing, and I felt ….. well, bored. I had my business, my blog, friends, and grand plans to work out and do yoga, pursue photography courses, and maybe even travel again for girls-only weekends with my sister. Now that we have 3 months or so before the twins are born, I feel like there’s something new to look forward to. (Not that having babies is the way to curb boredom!) I think I just wasn’t ‘done’ having kids. As to being afraid? On most days, I have my hands full with the boys. Throw in a couple of babies, well, hello mayhem!
I am afraid I’ve reached my peak in writing. My insecurities with writing has been well-documented (by myself). Up until recently, I called myself a ‘pretend writer’. One of my essays has been accepted into an anthology (and is now ready for preorder, just click on the widget to your right, and get your hands on My Other Ex for $1 off!), and I’m afraid that it’s my best work ever, and I’m all tapped out. I’ve submitted to BlogHer’s Voices of the Year, 3 years in a row, and nada. My heart cannot take any more rejection, so I don’t think I’ll try again next year. It’s half a year in, and I don’t feel like I’ve written anything worthy. I think I may have come to a standstill there.
I am afraid that I may not be a good friend. When I was younger, I sent out thoughtfully picked out, handwritten cards to all my close friends and family, on all occasions. I would spend hours tracking down presents I knew they would love. In the past few years, I haven’t even bothered to send out e-cards, or do the perfunctory Facebook birthday wish. I have made little effort in calling someone just to say hi (I really hate talking on the phone), and I’ve stopped exchanging long emails with long-distance friends. I think in part technology has made me lazy. I don’t need to ask someone how they are, I stalk their Facebook page. I don’t need to call someone, I send them a quick text message. I don’t meet up with people, I use my children as an excuse to not get out of the house. Friends, I apologize. Know that I love you, and think of you often.
I am afraid that I am not a good enough wife. I don’t tell my husband often enough that I love him, that I appreciate all that he does for our family, and all that he does for me. I don’t tell him often enough that I need him. I suck at giving him gifts, even though gift giving is my love language (after 10 years together, you’d think I’d have figured this one out). I feel like the balance of doing nice things for each other is totally skewed (as in, he’s probably nicer to me than I am to him). I don’t think I’m affectionate enough. I know all these things, yet I don’t know where to begin to change things. I’m afraid he won’t know if I don’t tell/ show him.
What are you afraid to tell me (or anyone else?)