Stop Talking About Things You Know Nothing Of

posted in: Life, Rant 84 comments

When I read a blog post or an article that I don’t agree with, or leaves me fuming, I click away. I close the page, walk away and think nothing more of it. I don’t believe in trolling someone’s comments, or hate bashing them on social media. I seethe silently, and move on to better things.

But I read something recently that not only made me fume, I could not get it out of my mind. I ranted to a a few bloggy friends. I turned the article over in my mind. I tried to give the writer the benefit of the doubt. 

I came away with this conclusion: he should not have written about a topic for which he knows nothing about, hasn’t personally experienced, and have only sort of talked about it with someone who was mistakenly flippant about it (according to the writer).

I am talking about an article Matt Walsh wrote about divorce. Now, I would normally give you a link so you can go ahead and read it, make up your own mind, agree or disagree with me (or him). But I don’t want to give him any traffic (in other words, Google it).

Caveat: I am not bashing Mr Walsh because of blogger envy. I do not begrudge him his pageviews, his comments or his social media following. He’s worked for it (even if I don’t agree with his opinions or methods), so I have no jealousy towards his following.

I genuinely hated that article, and his condescending tone. I really want to shake him and ask him, truly, THIS is what you think about marriage and divorce? Is it as simple as accepting your spouse, for whom you declared eternal love for, as whoever they are, whoever they then become, till death do you part? Do you, Matt, at the age of 27 and married barely THREE years, and having gone through the usual things married couples go through (worrying about money, taking kids to the ER, experiencing a flooded house, taken a road trip with little kids who won’t stop crying) really qualify you to tell people that divorce is not “just a thing that happens”?

Because it is. Sometimes, couples divorce even without the kind of deal-breaking circumstances we are familiar with. 

Before I go on, another caveat: I do not want to be what I say people shouldn’t be – write about something they don’t know. I have never been divorced, my parents are not divorced, and my siblings are still married. But I have friends who have been through it, I have friends whose parents have split up, and I have friends who are in the process of going through it. I speak from a place of support, love and understanding that these friends did not come to a place of divorce easily. It’s always, always complicated.

People change, yes, Mr Walsh, they do, and no, they do not stop changing. By concluding that people divorce because one or both have changed, is simplifying a very complex emotional situation. You may get on your high horse and say that you are prepared for your wife to change, and instead of going down the path of ‘apart’, you will grasp her hand and ‘transcend’ the circumstances. And you seem very confident that she will do the same. 

In an ideal world, yes. We should do our best to accept our spouses as they are, even as they change over the years. Even as we change. We try to ride out the storms, and fly on the happy times. We make love, and make children. We bring those children up. We set them free. We find each other again in old age, doing what we put off doing because of the kids and money and worries and diseases. 

In an ideal world, children don’t die, husbands and wives don’t cheat, couples don’t beat each other up or call each other names, we don’t fall out of love, we don’t lose jobs and houses, our parents live until they’re 120. 

In an ideal world, people don’t quietly fall out of love for the smallest things, or drift apart slowly, without even realizing it. 

In an ideal world, people always marry the ‘right’ one straight off the bat. In an ideal world, it doesn’t take some of us two or three tries to get it right. In an ideal world, no one gets divorced. 

You, Mr Walsh, must live in an ideal world if you think that saying, “We are partners,” or saying, “We choose to love,”, saves marriages. Sometimes, nothing can save what has been dying inside for a long time. Nothing can save what wasn’t quite right in the first place. Nothing can save what’s irretrievably broken. 

Sometimes, going separate ways, giving each other the space to go where they’re supposed to, is the greatest love of all. 

Linking up with Shell for Pour Your Heart Out.

Alison Lee is a former PR and marketing professional turned work-at-home mother. After a 10-year career in various PR agencies, and of the world’s biggest sports brands, Alison traded in product launches and world travel, for sippy cups, diapers, and breastfeeding. Alison's writing has been featured on Mamalode, On Parenting at The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Everyday Family, Scary Mommy, and She is one of 35 essayists in the anthology, My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends. In 2012, she founded Little Love Media, a social media consultancy specializing in blog book tours, and because she doesn’t sleep, is an editor at BonBon Break, an online magazine. Alison lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia with her husband and four children (two boys and boy/ girl twins).

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  • June 4, 2014 Katie E

    Alison, you often express things in a way that has me nodding along and wishing I could write so well. That’s the case with this post too! As someone who’s dealing with this right now – and very hesitant to talk about it anywhere because I don’t want to be bashed – I fully agree that I wish people wouldn’t be so judgmental about something that they really don’t know about. Years and years of accepting things that just really aren’t okay can do a lot of damage, but it’s still not easy to make the decision to finally make a change. It can be made easier with support though! Thank you, as always, for sharing your thoughts.
    Katie E recently wrote…Kids Room Signs from MintedMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Katie, I am so sorry you’re going through what I know must be a difficult time. I hope that you have an outlet somewhere, to express your feelings and a strong support system online and offline. Thank YOU for sharing a little of this with me. I hope that things work out for you.

  • June 4, 2014 tracy

    He’s a small, sad man(I have trouble even calling him a man) who writes only for click-bait. 🙁
    tracy recently wrote…There’s No Such Thing As NormalMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Word, Tracy. Word.

  • June 4, 2014 Janine Huldie

    Alison, this totally reminds me of Jessica Simpson who wrote a marriage book back int he day when she was married to Nick Lachey. She was giving out marriage advice and wasn’t even married for a year at the time. I remember getting annoyed thinking how could someone who is only married such a short time even think to advise those married or getting married. The punch line was that the two got divorced not too long after and shows to people like this, “Never, say never!”
    Janine Huldie recently wrote…The Princesses Favorite Past-Time – Playing Dress UpMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Yes, exactly! I just don’t understand how people think they ‘know it all’ when they hardly know a thing at all.

  • June 4, 2014 Christopher D Drew

    Matt Walsh makes a habit of taking extreme points of view and over simplifying. More people in my social media network share his writing than I care for. And the few times I have seen him engage or respond to someone challenging his point of view he always claims what you stated you were not in your post, jealousy. I appreciate your reflection here but I think he is best ignored.
    Christopher D Drew recently wrote…How To Swear Like A Cartoon CharacterMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Christopher, I absolutely agree. Ignore him we must. And I have been for the longest time. This particular post just got my goat because of the topic. But I really don’t want to read any more of his drivel.

  • June 4, 2014 thedoseofreality

    Excellent post Alison. I definitely agree with exactly what you are saying.-Ashley
    thedoseofreality recently wrote…We’re Moving On Up!My Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Thank you, Ashley!

  • June 4, 2014 J.Lee

    Can we have the same rule for comments? I read some blog posts that I think are ridiculous- just so clearly small-minded or ignorant to what’s going on out there in the rest of the world. But I always think to myself, at the end of the day, this is about page views. We don’t even know if this person believes what they say or their just trying to be controversial for traffic.

    What really gets me is when people are absolutely hateful and nutty in comments. You can say you don’t like something but add some reason, some meaning for clarity or insight to make the world better. What do they get out of it? They’re not paid and mostly anonymous. Icky, right?

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Haters will be haters! Trolls don’t write with reason, they write comments to provoke.

  • June 4, 2014 susi

    After reading your post, I have no desire to read the other one. If I happen to stumble upon it, which I no doubt will as things like that always get blown out of proportion, I may skim over it but I’m not searching it out.
    I tend to agree with you whole heartedly. Sometimes, life happens and the best thing you can do is to go your separate ways – it sucks either way and it’s always a tough call to make, in my humble opinion. We are all human and none of us the same – we don’t all fit the same mold…
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    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Yes, exactly. I’m sure that everyone starts marriage with the same hopes – but life happens, and sometimes, we have to do what’s best for us.

  • June 4, 2014 Katie

    You know how I feel about Matt Walsh. He is an asshole pretending to be a Christian and using Christianity to shame others. He breaks the first rule of writing/blogging: writing about someone else’s story and acting like an authority on it. As someone who is very cautiously coming back to being called a Christian, it is people like Matt Walsh that make me balk. I do NOT want to be in the same group or associated with him.
    Katie recently wrote…The HerStories Project: celebrating female friendshipsMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      You are absolutely not in the same group as him, no way. He’s an asshole.

  • June 4, 2014 Kerstin

    Well, I am married to husband #3, so I guess you know how I feel about this…
    I did not read this blog post, because it would likely ruin my whole day – I have a huge problem with assholes on a high horse, thinking they are morally superior to anyone else.
    Kerstin recently wrote…Experience2014 – May Round-UpMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      “Assholes on high horses” – snort!

  • June 4, 2014 Natalie

    I really try to not judge others…and you never know how it is unless you’ve walked through someone else’s shoes. I know many friends who have divorced and remarried and are very happy now. Life happens. SH$% happens. You just do your best to move in the right direction and hope for the best!
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    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Yes, exactly! Sometimes, we need to do the hard thing because it’s the right thing.

  • June 4, 2014 anna whiston-donaldson

    If I’ve learned anything in my 40-plus years here on earth, it’s that life is complicated. When we try to boil it down into very simplistic terms, we deprive it of the layers/nuances that are there. I like the black and white b/c it seems small and safe and comforting, but it’s usually just small, you know? Thanks for writing this post. I will not be googling the post you referenced. I’m guessing I’ll have plenty of other opportunities to stumble across what this writer has to say.
    anna whiston-donaldson recently wrote…Note to Self-ieMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Yes, yes and yes! I wish Matt Walsh could read your comment.

  • June 4, 2014 Kristin

    I had never heard of Matt Walsh until the post (I guess I was lucky?). Have you seen the What Is Matt Walsh Wrong About Today? site?

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      A few people pointed me that way, yes! I really have nothing personal against him, I just think he uses his platform in a way that is more negative than anything, because he cares more about pageviews than actually making a difference. Which is sad.

  • June 4, 2014 Keely

    I, too, tire of the sanctimonious “This is what’s currently working for me so it must be THE WAY” methodology.
    Keely recently wrote…A Round-Up: Lazy Blogging & World MusicMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Right? Why can’t everyone be like us? Heh.

  • June 4, 2014 Dana

    That was a very calm and deliberate rant, Alison, and I completely agree. I haven’t read Walsh’s article and I doubt that I will now. Just as each couple is unique, so is every marriage and every divorce.
    Dana recently wrote…The world loves amazing: My Love List for JuneMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Yes, exactly. I don’t know how he can just lump everyone into his ideal world of love is forever.

  • June 4, 2014 AwesomelyOZ

    I had to read the original article to understand your ‘rant’ but I agree – I think the comments made me more enraged. People agreeing without thinking – it’s a very sensitive subject and as someone who IS once divorced it isn’t easy. The hardest thing is walking away then having to deal with the broken pieces and putting things back together without knowing where they go. He is obnoxious and should definitely get off his high horse – its’ one thing to feel one way about something but to generalize it isn’t the way to go. I’m not religious and reading things like that make me happy I am not because being affiliated with people like that in any sense of the word saddens me. Hope you’re having a wonderful day and take care Alison! -Iva
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    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      You’re absolutely right, Iva. He can have his opinion, but he generalizes them, and makes it sound like his way of thinking must be the only correct one. And THAT is irksome.

  • June 4, 2014 Laura

    I must say, I am seeing his links shared less and less in my timeline. Maybe that is just the magic of Facebook finally working for once.
    Laura recently wrote…That Time I Talked with John GreenMy Profile

    • June 13, 2014 Alison

      Facebook finally working in our favour? YAY!

  • June 4, 2014 Tamara

    I have a few friends going through divorces right now. It’s not an easy decision and I stand by my friends. That said, I confess that I did Google this and I may or may not have read him say he’s an opponent of gay marriage and I instantly hit the “x” button of my browser.
    That was enough for me personally..
    Tamara recently wrote…I Am The Butterfly.My Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Oh yeah, that. Yup, that would make me turn away too.
      In other related news. I really heart you because of that.

  • June 5, 2014 My Inner Chick

    All I can add is “BRILLIANT.”

    Please send this blog post to this high-horsed-asswipe!

    xx LOVE!
    My Inner Chick recently wrote…You Rise Over & Over AgainMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Thank you, my friend.
      If I send this to him, he’ll probably write a post about how other bloggers are just jealous of his success, hah!

  • June 5, 2014 alexandra

    He does anything for pageviews. The more controversial he is, the better for him. He’s always been like this. He loves to stir it up. He doesn’t care what kind of traffic he gets as long as it’s traffic….

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      That makes me sad. He’s a sad, sad man.

  • June 5, 2014 Carollynn

    Hi Alison,

    I read the “other” article and yours. I think each of you got it right, based on your individual perspectives.

    Having been in Matt’s shoes more years ago than I can count, I appreciate his idealism, his belief in his marriage and the stories he told of others. I, too was that person and I so desperately wanted to believe this marriage would last FOREVER.

    I appreciate your point, because, well, my idealism changed when I changed and needed to divorce my first husband, and all the Catholic guilt that came when I DECIDED to leave my husband because we BOTH had changed in ways that made the marriage unbearable mentally and potentially physically unsafe.
    Carollynn recently wrote…What Weighs 17 Pounds…My Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Carollyn, thank you for sharing your perspective. I can appreciate Matt Walsh’s idealistic point of view, because who doesn’t go into marriage wanting all that is good and forever? My issue with him was that he imposed that idealism on everyone. I appreciate you reading!

  • June 5, 2014 Lady Jennie

    I need to read that post. (Sorry to give the clicks). But what you say is so obvious I can’t imagine what he could have possibly said if that makes any sense. It sounds like it must have been really out there.
    Lady Jennie recently wrote…Summer Rice SaladMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      I totally understand what you mean, and yes, his post makes the most ridiculous points. It’s just…irksome.

  • June 5, 2014 Carrie

    I have not read what he wrote.

    Not sure I will.

    I can completely agree with you though. People who talk of things/situations they know nothing about is hard to deal with.

    I remember when I divorced, I had so many friends who had no clue of the emotions involved saying to me, “Well, what you need to do is…” and all sorts of things. Hell, I was going through it and even “I” didn’t know what I needed to do.

    I admire your passion and your willingness to share your thoughts.

    You’re good with me, girl! =)
    Carrie recently wrote…Just discovered my teenager doesn’t understand me. Well, there’s a news flash.My Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Carrie, that makes me glad!! Thank you for reading, as always.

  • June 5, 2014 lisacng

    I have never been through a divorce nor known anyone personally who has. How sheltered am I, right?? But there have certainly been times in our 6 years of marriage, especially after having our first child, that I didn’t think we were going to make it. At times, especially while sleep-deprived, I hated him. I yelled at him. I blamed him. But then we’d calm down and talk, and he said something very powerful to me. He said, “Look at those couples who’ve been together 10, 20, 30 years. You think that was easy? It wasn’t. But they are still together because they worked hard through the tough times so that they could enjoy the good ones.” And ever since then, no matter how bad it gets, I always remember that marriage is hard work. Really hard. Some people want to work hard. Some people don’t. And even if you work hard, sometimes it doesn’t amount to anything. So, everyone makes a decision for themselves and it’s not black and white.
    lisacng recently wrote…Summer bucket listMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Lisa, I understand that totally, because I went through the same thing after our first was born. Having children REALLY change the dynamic of marriage! And your husband is absolutely right – marriage is a verb, it’s work, hard work, and it’s a daily commitment. Idealism just doesn’t cut it.

  • June 5, 2014 Elaine A.

    I just watched my niece get married to her high school sweetheart and I am SO happy for her, for them. BUT. They are so young and have so much to learn and experience yet. They WILL change so much in the next however many years… I look at my almost 15-yr. marriage that has had some major ups and downs and even I wonder sometimes… Marriage is really hard work. I know you know that, Alison. It’s even more hard to say “we are done here” and move on with your life, I think.

    I don’t really know this guy, except to know that he pisses off a lot of my friends… so I am not going to give him any internet attention. At all.
    Elaine A. recently wrote…What I HearMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Please don’t give him any attention! 🙂
      Yes, it takes immense courage to know when to walk away, because we all want our marriages to work. But sometimes, it just doesn’t.

  • June 5, 2014 Tammy Soong

    I generally find that the people who most loudly proclaim “I’ll never” will almost definitely be the ones who’ll end up doing it.

    So good luck to Mr. Walsh.
    Tammy Soong recently wrote…First Time in Forever…to BlogHerMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Hah! Yes, good luck indeed, Mr. Walsh.

  • June 5, 2014 Maureen

    Brilliant Alison.
    As someone who had a divorce, his piece was totally too idealistic to my taste! Wait, till you deal with infidelities, Mr! I just read another post that someone share from his blog and it totally churned my stomach. No, I will not mentioned it here but I agree with Katie, he is making Christianity looks really judgemental and just overall bad!
    Maureen recently wrote…Accepting Myself Unconditionally, Right NowMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      I thought of friends like you when I read his post, and was thoroughly offended on your (and their) behalf. It was just irksome. And thank you.

  • June 5, 2014 Lisa

    Like you, I am not divorced and nobody in my immediate family is divorced. However, I have several friends who have or are gong through divorces. Each situation is different and should not be judged based on what someone with no experience THINKS they know. I am not familiar with Matt Walsh and, now, I have to desire to be.
    Lisa recently wrote…Songs of MotherhoodMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      No, don’t, because he will likely just irk you and wish you hadn’t read his words!

  • June 5, 2014 Shell

    When I wrote my fb update earlier today(I saw you liked it), it was funny that someone jumped to the conclusion I was talking about this exact post of his. It wasn’t(though another of his could have very well inspired it), but it did make me click over and it did make me mad.

    To be married for three years and say that in 20 years, he’ll still be married(or whatever number he said, I refuse to go back and look) is the equivalent of the parent of a 1 month old explaining exactly how their child’s high school experience is going to go.

    It assumes some sort of ideal, an ideal that most people would even agree with, but one that is silly to assume it will really happen the way we imagine because there are way too many other factors involved.
    Shell recently wrote…The Change in My Summer AttitudeMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      It’s funny, when I read your FB update, I had just published my post, and it did make me wonder if Matt Walsh had inspired it, lol.
      Yes, your analogy is spot on. What people think they want (and think they know) is not the same as actually knowing and living it.

  • June 5, 2014 Julie

    Very well said! I have no intention of reading the article but what you said is extremely important because marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve EVER done. It’s been 7 years and I’m thankful I was told it was going to be HARD before I got married. Being a person who has watched my mother divorce 3 times, my father divorce twice and my best friend go through a divorce – I can tell you I’m working harder than ever to stay married but sometimes divorce is better but it’s never, ever easy. And I also think it’s important to vent our feeling about another blog post in our own blogging periodically – I find it can be rather therapeutic! 🙂
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    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      It’s definitely never easy. It’s as big a decision (f not bigger) than deciding to get married. It’s separating two lives, and more if kids are involved. And thank you for the comment about venting – sometimes, we just need a safe place to do it!

  • June 5, 2014 Rorybore

    I normally just click away too. It’s not worth it to get into a war of words on the web. Or I can write my own post on my own blog – as you have. Divorce is something I can definitely talk about: having gone through it twice as a child. Thankfully, I am going on 11 years happily married myself. I beat the odds; changed my path. But I can say it’s never simple. And sometimes you cannot fix what is broken. Gee, if my mom hadn’t left my dad: we’d both probably be dead. And this guy would have expected her to stay with such a man? Hell no. Sometimes, sad as it is, divorce is the only answer.
    Rorybore recently wrote…WW: Catch Me If You CanMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      I’m glad that things worked out for your mom and you. You’re right, sometimes, it’s the ONLY way, especially when it’s gone down the path of no return. Life is too full of variables and unpredictability to be as idealistic as Mr Walsh wants us all to be.

  • June 5, 2014 Stephanie

    At first I thought – I’ll read him and then figure this out – but having finished your post and having read the comments I have no desire to add to his numbers or give him attention. What an arrogant stance to take, though, at 3 years married. I’m sure real life will work its magic and in 20, he may still be married, but it won’t simply be because “he chose love.” Real life always levels the playing field in one way or another.
    Stephanie recently wrote…HomeMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Yes, exactly what you said, Stephanie! He may well still be married at 20, 30, 40 years and good for him if he does, but I doubt merely choosing love is the answer.

  • June 6, 2014 Rebecca

    Oh…you are something else. There are so many one liners in here I want to roll around in and feel the wisdom against my skin! That last line gave me goosebumps! Can you get this upset or annoyed once a week? I’m not googling his article, I can already tell that I like yours better.

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Hah! You’re a funny lady. I could possibly troll the Internet and look for things that annoy me….. except I am too caught up with watching cat videos on YouTube. 😉

  • June 6, 2014 Nina

    You said this so eloquently, Allison. I agree with every word.
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    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Nina, thank you, truly.

  • June 6, 2014 Roxanne

    People change. It’s a truth about life. That’s why I have experienced divorce. The person you marry isn’t necessarily the person he’ll be in five, ten, fifteen years. It’s a sad fact. And I will not Google the article. Because I know I will fume and want to write a scathing comment or blog post. And I’d rather just let it go. But you’re right. People should stop talking about things they know nothing about. The Internet (and the world) would be a better place for it.
    Roxanne recently wrote…25 Reasons I Call Him My BoyfriendMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      It would, wouldn’t it? I just wish people like him would go do something GOOD with his clout and social media influence.

  • June 6, 2014 melissa

    In my own 27 almost 28 years I have learned 2 very certain things
    1. never say never
    2. no matter what your opinion is you will never truly understand something until you experience it.
    melissa recently wrote…Finding my wayMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Melissa, you are FAR wiser than Matt Walsh!

  • June 7, 2014 Debs

    I read Matt Walsh’s post and I had the same misgivings about his age, time married and little experience both in marriage, parenting and life. However, I agreed with a lot of what he had to say. On the other side, I saw you link on my FB wall and clicked over to read your perspective, and you know what? You are right as well. Both points are valid and correct.
    Here is my perspective. I have been married for nearly 34 years. I can tell you without a doubt, the man I married is most certainly a different person than the one I said “I do” do with doe eyed, heart soaring love. Our marriage has been peppered with situations and circumstance that many give up and throw the towel in for. There has been extreme financial problems early where we easily could have filed bankruptcy but didn’t, there was infidelity of a sort no couple wishes to experience that left our marriage very broken and damage for many years, but through determination, prayers and much support we rebuilt what was broken and ours became a different marriage. There was alcoholism, an arrest that was public, embarrassing and ugly where a deep depression and dark alcohol drenched days filled with fear of whether I would get a call from the police and it WOULD be over. We are still trying to rebuild but finding the bedrock and the keystone is very difficult because issues still need to be resolved. Who knows, this time we may not be able to overcome, but we will know it when it happens.

    Yes, I’ve changed. He’s changed. Our marriage has changed and couples CAN fight through and stay married because of these circumstances. However, many don’t and there is nothing wrong with that. Each individual is able to cope in different degrees. I do believe that too many couples throw in the towel too soon without exploring they why’s and reasons. Maybe we are at the opposite end of the spectrum in the “you should have thrown in the towel” but didn’t. Who knows. Maybe it’s stubbornness, maybe it’s stupidity, maybe it’s admirable, maybe it’s contemptible.

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Debs, without a doubt, I believe that some couples should fight for their marriage, and I’m glad that you are one of those. What you’ve gone through can easily tear through another couple’s relationship, and clearly, yours is still together because of who you both are. Everyone’s different, everyone copes with situations differently. I don’t think that you fighting for your marriage through so much darkness is contemptible at all. I think it’s admirable and I hope that my own marriage is strong enough to withstand even half of what you have been through. My point of view about Matt Walsh’s post was just that his idealism was far too generalized.

  • June 7, 2014 Lauren Weber

    I’m not one to bash fellow bloggers either, but he also makes my blood boil and I have FAR too many friends who share his crap view. It’s very upsetting. So glad you called him out here…And no way am I going to go find the article and give him a click 😉
    Lauren Weber recently wrote…A Pregnant Lady and Detroit Tiger’s BaseballMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      I have many FB friends who are his fans too, which is really how I see his articles. I won’t judge them for siding with him – to each his/ her own. This particular post about marriage and divorce though? It REALLY got my goat.

  • June 8, 2014 Christine

    I haven’t read his post and after reading this, really have no desire to. I don’t think that I’ve read his other stuff (thankfully?). Geez, thinking back to who I was and what I thought after three years of marriage? So so different than where I am now coming up on 11 years. I WISH it was as simple as saying “we love each other. we will stand by each other” etc. but it’s never that simple. I have family and friends that have and are going through divorce now and it’s more often for those smaller things versus any one catastrophic event that caused the break-up. I also agree with others that you are so eloquent and well-measured with your response here.
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    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Thank you, Christine for your kind words!
      It is truly never simple. Marriage is so many things but simple.

  • Well that was the first and last time that I googled mr.Walsh name.
    I agree with you a 100%.
    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently wrote…Rainy afternoons inevitably lead to popcornMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Hah! Sorry about that. 🙂

  • June 10, 2014 runnermom-jen

    Funny you should write about this as I am in the middle of a nasty divorce. You don’t go into marriage thinking that it will end in divorce. Yes, people change, but when they change into mean, drunk assholes who refuse to get help, there is a problem. I’ve prayed for the last 8 years that my mean, drunk, assholish husband would just leave me, but I think God was giving me the courage and strength for me to leave HIM…even if it did take 8 years to do it. This story of mine can’t be published…it’s too shocking for most people to deal with. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors. Divorce is hard enough…for everyone involved. Judging isn’t needed, because I guarantee the worst things people say about it and the couple involved, you’re already thinking that and more about yourself.
    runnermom-jen recently wrote…The Space BetweenMy Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      Jen, I am so sorry for what you’re going through – I had some idea that things were not well at home for you, but didn’t want to overstep my bounds by asking. I’m glad that you have found the strength to do what’s best for YOU and your children. I hope that things only move onwards and up for you, and that you have a strong support system to hold you up in these difficult ties.

  • June 11, 2014 Charlotte

    I had to Google this article to read first before I could make a decision one way or the other… and I honestly couldn’t agree WITH YOU more. It isn’t that simple and we can’t just accept the fact that we are on a roller coaster in life with our spouse. It is incredibly naive to think that people who have gone through divorce just didn’t try hard enough… Sometimes, sadly, two people fall inexplicably out of love or they just don’t have the wherewithal to fight any longer or they are just not compatible. Isn’t it better to remove oneself from a bad marriage than to stay together because you made this commitment and you are going to see it through, regardless of how miserable one or both partners may be?

    Thank you for this. I have seen friends lose sleep and gain anxiety over divorce. I have seen it eat them alive and I’ve seen them through to the other side, when they attempt to pick up the pieces and rebuild, alone, unsure, sometimes as a single parent… and it is ugly. None of them wanted to get divorce, but it happened. And they handled it with all the grace and humanity in the world. They don’t deserve to be judged.
    Charlotte recently wrote…Are your social media habits hurting your relationships?My Profile

    • June 14, 2014 Alison

      You’re absolutely right, Charlotte – people going through divorce are already experiencing so much, they truly don’t need to be judged. Compassion is what’s needed.

  • June 18, 2014 Kim

    So very well said, Alison. People and relationships and circumstances change – and there is only so much within those things that is within one person’s control.
    Kim recently wrote…“The Wolverine” – Short Hair QuestionsMy Profile

    • June 19, 2014 Alison

      Yes, exactly. Thank you, Kim.

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