Said No One Ever

posted in: Humor, Life 88 comments

Or maybe it’s just “said Alison never”.

Nothing about pregnancy sucks.

No, I don’t want or need the extra 10 minutes of sleep.

I don’t mind the kids interrupting me when I’m doing my bathroom business.

Why would someone eat ice cream every day?

I hate cupcakes.

I love Internet trolls. They make life so much more interesting.

Making-dinner-is-so-much-fun-never-mind-that-the-kids-didnt-eat-a-bite-and-prefer-chicken-nuggets-said-no-one-ever-2425f

Washing the toilet is my favorite chore. 

Waking up at 5.00 am on the weekend to get things done is such a great idea.

I love everything about Facebook!

I don’t ever bribe my children.

taking-children-under-the-age-of-5-to-the-grocery-store-is-such-a-great-idea-said-no-one-ever-9f293

Ironing is so therapeutic.

Calilou is the best TV show ever.

Pizza for dinner – no way!

Brad Pitt is ugly.

I love being the kids’ jungle gym. Sure, just climb onto my head.

leftovers-for-dinner-whee-said-no-one-ever-5b410

New shoes? I don’t want new shoes. The pair I have goes with every outfit I own.

I don’t count down to the children’s bed time ever.

Doing the dishes is so relaxing.

I really enjoy reading people’s constant Facebook updates on how hard they worked out. 

What would you add to this list?

Alison
I am a former PR and marketing professional turned work-at-home mother to two boys, born December 2009 and May 2012. After a 10-year career in various PR agencies, and of the world's biggest sports brands, I traded in launch parties, product launches, and world travel, for sippy cups, diapers, and breastfeeding. Aside from this blog, I am a contributing writer at Everyday Family. My writing has also been featured on Mamalode, Families In the Loop, andThe Huffington Post.
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  • June 23, 2014 Allie

    Oh I’m laughing at the last one!!! And yep, I pretty much agree with ALL of these especially Calliou (which thank GOD my kids don’t watch anymore) sleeping a little later (never happens!!!) and anything to do with meals and my kids. Thanks for the laugh this early on a Monday.
    Allie recently wrote…VITA AdVentures: The Race of A LifetimeMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I’m glad I made you laugh! :)

  • June 23, 2014 Janine Huldie

    Could not love this list more on this crazy Monday morning, where I stayed up late to watch TrueBlood on my DVR after the kids went to bed and the dog woke us up having to go out at 5:30 am. So, if I had to add one (as much as I love our dog), I would add, waking up at 5:30 am to a whining, crying dog that needs to be walked. Sorry, just the first thing that comes to my tired, sleepy Monday morning brain!
    Janine Huldie recently wrote…SITS Community Lead (An Announcement) – Summer of Social Love LinkupMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Oh man, asshole dog! :)

  • June 23, 2014 Susanna Leonard Hill

    Hahaha! All so true :) I think I could add, “Coffee (or tea) is so unnecessary in the morning!”… since I never seem to get enough sleep and can’t wake up without it :)
    Susanna Leonard Hill recently wrote…Would You Read It Wednesday #138 – Immortal Island (YA) PLUS Straight From The Editor!My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I totally get what you mean!

  • June 23, 2014 tracy

    Ha! Thank you for the morning laugh. Who would ever say no to a cupcake.
    tracy recently wrote…Overnight Camp AloneMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      No one, that’s who :)

  • June 23, 2014 Katie

    I’m totally a morning person and don’t need any coffee or anything but the love of my children to get me moving in the morning…said no one ever :)
    Katie recently wrote…On Turning FiveMy Profile

    • June 23, 2014 Bridget

      Bahahaha!! Yes! Except I don’t drink coffee or tea, so I really just have to get up and at ‘em. But I have a son with Autism, so I kind of don’t have a choice. I sleep with the iPad next to my bed, so when he wakes up before 7:00 am, I bribe him with the iPad until he leaves the room, and I HAVE to get up to make sure he isn’t eating cookies for breakfast (not really all THAT bad) or pizza from the garbage (eewww!)

      • June 30, 2014 Alison

        Hey, whatever works! I am not above bribes either. :)

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Haha!! Good one, Katie.

  • June 23, 2014 Lisa

    Ha! Great list!! Being that my kids are now officially on summer break (finally!) I would add “Gee, I really miss homework and packing lunches every day.” I would also add, “Out of coffee? Oh well, caffeine is overrated anyway!” :-) Have a great week Alison!
    Lisa recently wrote…Ten Things About Dad {Tuesday Ten LinkUp}My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Haha, good ones Lisa!

  • June 23, 2014 Leslie

    Oh chicken nuggets. The time when life was simple and there were no bills. Ahh the days. Welp, I hope you have a great Monday mama.
    Leslie recently wrote…A Perfect SaladMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I did, thank you Leslie!

  • June 23, 2014 Kerstin

    I think that’s a pretty comprehensive list… The only thing I might add is: I just love it when I’m added to an email list without my permission…
    Also: Calliou just gave me a Monday morning flashback, I can’t believe that kid is still out there, driving parents insane!
    Kerstin recently wrote…2008My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      OMG yes!!

  • June 23, 2014 Jessica Smock

    So true. Except I haven’t ironed anyway in about 10 years. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that taking my 3 year old to the grocery is a good idea and won’t be so bad. And it’s NEVER true.
    Jessica Smock recently wrote…How to Write A Personal Essay That Will Dazzle an EditorMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Solo grocery shopping is truly the only way to go :)

  • June 23, 2014 Kir

    The people who do says things like this are sad, humorless creatures. ;)

    thank you for the Monday giggle, I needed it and now I need a cupcake. Let’s have a dozen (Said Kirsten, always. ;) )
    xo
    Kir recently wrote…Smoke SignalsMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I’m always up for a cupcake with you, my friend!

  • June 23, 2014 Elaine A.

    I just LOVE it when my kids talk back!

    Ice cream is gross.

    (I cannot believe I just typed that!) ;)

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Right? It’s unimaginable.

  • June 24, 2014 Janice

    Hahaha, this list cracked me up.

    Much to my friends’ chagrin, I used to contend that Brad Pitt was ugly, almost all through college, until I had to do a Pitt-a-thon for one of my film classes and saw Legends of the Fall. Then I understood what all the hoola-hoo was about. My friends then proceeded to make me watch Fight Club every Friday night for a month.
    Janice recently wrote…My Thinking RoomMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I had a poster of Brad from the movie, all through my college days!

  • June 24, 2014 My Inner Chick

    Brad Pitt is Ugly? You hate cupcakes!? Now I know you’re kidding. Haaaaaaaaaaaa.

    Love when I click into your universe, Alison Lee! xxxx
    My Inner Chick recently wrote…21 Things I’ve Learned Since My Sister’s MurderMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Things I’ll NEVER say!

  • June 24, 2014 tara

    Haha I love the expression “said no one ever.” These are too funny. I hate cleaning the toilet. I kind of decided a few years ago that my husband makes it the most dirty, so he has to clean it. I should probably let him know that I decided this and that’s why I always avoid cleaning the toilet…
    tara recently wrote…i didn’t want proofMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I think that’s a perfectly good reason for him to clean it!

  • June 24, 2014 j.lee

    The dinner thing kills me. I used to cook for all of our friends, I grew up cooking for my family. I dreamed of creating these gorgeous, rustic and homey meals for my family. None of them eat it. All of the things my husband used to eat and swoon over have become “Can we get Chow Fun?” and my children only eat nuggets on Wednesday, pasta on alternating full moons and my hopes and dreams of a quiet meal hourly. lol

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Reality has hit, lol. :)

  • Bikini shopping is such fun!
    Of course I don’t mind that the cat clawed half my face of! Poor puss is just nervous about going to the vet…
    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently wrote…Crazy Cauliflower Lady SoupMy Profile

    • June 24, 2014 Rudri Bhatt Patel

      Alison,

      Thanks for the laugh. I needed it today.

      I love that extra 5 pounds that I’ve been trying to lose for the last 5 years… said no one ever.
      Rudri Bhatt Patel recently wrote…Everyday Delights – June EditionMy Profile

      • June 30, 2014 Alison

        Oh yes, that’s right! :)

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Hah! Even before the pregnancy destroyed my figure, I hate shopping for bikinis.

  • June 24, 2014 Preslaysa

    This is hilarious! I love the jungle gym line. Seems like my children are always climbing on me wherever I am :-)
    Preslaysa recently wrote…Maintaining a Creative Life as an AdultMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Hah, thank you Preslaysa!

  • June 24, 2014 Adrienne

    Oh Calliou. So glad I don’t have to listen to him anymore!
    Adrienne recently wrote…6 Free Summer Reading Programs for Kids!My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Lucky duck! :)

  • June 24, 2014 Jenny

    This is perfect said! I get the FB workout updates. Not exactly what I want to see while I’m trying to squeeze into my joke of a bathing suit.
    Jenny recently wrote…Three Months From Now…Part TwoMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Right? I don’t feel motivated by those, just depressed. :)

  • June 24, 2014 Nicole

    Ha ha ha. Love this! And, I have yet to find a single parent on the planet who doesn’t absolutely loathe Calliou!

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I just wish it was gone forever, darn Calilou!

  • June 24, 2014 Kim

    HaHa – these were funny!!
    I remember when my boys were little and my husband was deployed, the bedtime countdown started pretty much right after they got up from their naps!!!
    Kim recently wrote…What Right Does Anyone Have to Judge Us?My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Oh man, solo parenting is HARD, I can hardly blame you!

  • June 24, 2014 Michelle

    I can’t even tell you how much I loved this list! Except I like leftovers…if they’re good leftovers. I’ll eat them any time of day. And ironing…forget it. I never do it. It goes right back in the wash. It’s up there on my most hated chore list!
    Michelle recently wrote…Smoked Ribs: Backyard Barbeque FavoriteMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I should have clarified – KIDS’ leftovers :)

  • June 24, 2014 Tamara

    I get nine hours of sleep every night. UNINTERRUPTED.
    Well that’s more “said no parent ever.”
    And same with, “I exercise every day.”
    Ok, that’s probably just me!
    Tamara recently wrote…The Passing of a Centenarian.My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      It’s not just you!!
      Back when I was in my second trimester with #2, I DID get 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep, because my oldest was sleeping through the night, AND I didn’t have to wake up a dozen times to pee! It didn’t last long though.

  • June 24, 2014 Janice

    Ahaha! I totally love that last one! Fortunately, I haven’t been working out, so I know you couldn’t possibly have been referring to me! ;)
    Janice recently wrote…Review and A #GIVEAWAY: Universal Bluetooth Foldable KeyboardMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Oh, absolutely NOT you :)

  • June 24, 2014 Amy

    Ugh Facebook. Maybe I would like it more if I worked out?
    Amy recently wrote…What a difference a year makesMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Hah! Give it a shot? :)

  • June 24, 2014 Jess

    Brilliant! Hilarious post! You captured my sentiments on so many aspects of life!
    Jess recently wrote…Where I have been Friday!My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Thank you, Jess!

  • June 25, 2014 Tricia

    Oh I love this so much! I’d add: “No, I definitely don’t want to drink my coffee while it’s still warm!”
    Tricia recently wrote…So big and so smallMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Yes, good one, Tricia!

  • June 25, 2014 Andrea

    I love this. The jungle gym one made me snort a little. Yep, I remember those days.
    Andrea recently wrote…This Is What I DoMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      And these days too, shall pass, yes?

  • Not sure which one made me giggle more. Much needed today ;)
    Sisters From Another Mister recently wrote…Through the eyes of a childMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I’m glad I provided some much-needed humor :)

  • June 25, 2014 Christine

    haha. Love this and you!
    Christine recently wrote…Scenes from my weekend: Summer SolsticeMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      :) Thanks, you!

  • June 25, 2014 Chris Carter

    My favorite part of the day is taking Cass to swim team practice at 7:30am and then coming back to get Cade ready for camp and then going back to get Cass from swim team at 9:00am, and then coming back home to get Cass ready for camp and then taking them both to camp and then picking them up an hour later to stuff lunch down their throats, clean up and then take them back to camp for another two hours where I may or may not get out of my pjs and then pick them up from camp and feed them again because they are “STARVING” and then hear them complain that there is nothing to do…

    Said no one ever.

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Hahahahahaha! CHRIS! OMG. xo

  • June 25, 2014 Elizabeth

    I love the last one: I LOVE reading about others’ workouts on Facebook. How much weight they lost, all those selfies…Yep. Gets me really motivated for my day! LOL. Have a great one! Visiting from SITS.
    Elizabeth recently wrote…Italian Parmesan Steak FriesMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Haha, right? Thanks for coming by!

  • June 25, 2014 Laura

    I feel so rested!

    No thank you, I don’t need a cleaning lady.

    Come meet our new family members – ants! We love them.
    Laura recently wrote…Book Review: The Invention of WingsMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      OMG, those are good!

  • June 25, 2014 Sheila Skillingstead

    Love the list. I might have to make my own. Popped over from SITS to see what your post was about. Enjoy your Wednesday.
    Sheila Skillingstead recently wrote…Summer readingMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Do, I’d love to read it! Thanks for coming by!

  • June 26, 2014 alexandra

    My husband and I NEVER fight.

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Hah! YES.

  • June 26, 2014 Kim

    This is absolutely true. Who says that stuff? I laughed out loud at the ironing one. Laundry stresses me out enough as it is. (I have fallen behind again.) I can’t imagine how it would be if I actually ironed anything. I don’t even know if my iron still works. :)
    Kim recently wrote…Big 10My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      I really detest ironing. So much so, I’ve mentioned it on the blog several times over the past 3 years!

  • June 26, 2014 Lindsey

    Laughing out loud. xox

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      :) Thank you, I’m glad!

  • June 26, 2014 Rebecca

    All of these are true for me, especially making dinner, ironing..oh how I loathe ironing. Of course I’m married to a psycho iron king who irons his freaking white t-shirts. He loves to look at me when I put jeans on and ask, “do you want me to iron those?” -uhm, no they’re jeans. “Do you really want to look like a wrinkle worm?” uhhhhhhh…lol who hates cupcakes?! Impossible! When I got this emailed I didn’t see the memes- lol I love the dinner one
    Rebecca recently wrote…Why My Son Will Never Know My MotherMy Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      It’s a good thing your husband does his own ironing! I don’t iron my clothes, only my husband’s, and I WISH he didn’t mind looking like a wrinkle worm. :)

      • June 30, 2014 Rebecca

        Oh yes..he has asked me to iron many times before, but each time he re-irons it because apparently I’m not nearly as skilled as he is. He’s a perfectionist, be careful what you wish for! lol
        Rebecca recently wrote…Stupid ShoesMy Profile

  • June 26, 2014 Natalie

    Ha ha yep to all of these! :)
    Natalie recently wrote…Summer is Here!My Profile

  • June 28, 2014 Julia

    I think the last one might be my favorite. Love this!
    Julia recently wrote…Days of Summer – Week 2My Profile

    • June 30, 2014 Alison

      Thank you, Julia!

  • July 11, 2014 Roxanne

    I don’t know. I LOVE leftovers for dinner. Because I hate cooking.
    Roxanne recently wrote…How I almost sucked at being the Tooth FairyMy Profile

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