Universal Laws

posted in: Humor, Life 95 comments

Sometimes, I fantasize about being the Master of the Universe. Because if I was, these would be my Universal Laws, for the good of mankind (and our sanity).

Totally Reasonable Universal Laws

Mothers cannot get sick when the children are.

We should not get any pimples after the age of 15.

quote, universal law

Toast should never burn.

Showers must last longer than 5 minutes, baths, at least 20 minutes.

Legos will not injure feet.

Children will sleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows.

Couches will self-clean.

Laundry will self-fold.

Clothes will never be wrinkled.

Ironing will be obsolete.

Cars will only break down when the person who knows how to describe the problem to the mechanic, is driving it.

Coffee machines should last forever, and not stop working the very morning we need that coffee.

We should never be stuck in a traffic snarl when we really need to pee.

Children should automatically know how to go to the bathroom the year they turn two. 

Facebook will stop being an asshat.

Grocery stores should be quiet and empty when parents have the chance to go there by themselves. 

The school pet should not die/ get sick when it’s your child’s turn to bring it home for the weekend.

The chocolate at the store should be on permanent sale.

Boobs will remain perky even after 3 years of breastfeeding two children.

Allergies should not exist.

Schools should remain safe for the kids and teachers.

Drinking and driving should not be in one sentence.

Love is equal. Love is love. People should be able to marry who they love. 

Gay and rights should not be a phrase, because it should be ‘human rights’. 

What would you add to this list?

Alison Lee is a former PR and marketing professional turned work-at-home mother. After a 10-year career in various PR agencies, and of the world’s biggest sports brands, Alison traded in product launches and world travel, for sippy cups, diapers, and breastfeeding. Alison's writing has been featured on Mamalode, On Parenting at The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Everyday Family, Scary Mommy, and DrGreene.com. She is one of 35 essayists in the anthology, My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends. In 2012, she founded Little Love Media, a social media consultancy specializing in blog book tours, and because she doesn’t sleep, is an editor at BonBon Break, an online magazine. Alison lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia with her husband and four children (two boys and boy/ girl twins).

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  • August 19, 2013 sarah reinhart

    oh, I love all of these. I’m on the same page as you Alison. Same page. Love is love and OH if they’re little eyes would just close and stay closed the instant their heads touched that pillow. If only.

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      My children are pretty good with going to sleep. But it’s the toddler who wakes up in the middle of the night who needs to just chill out until morning, ya know? πŸ™‚

  • August 19, 2013 Amelia Grace

    I agree with every one of your points, especially toddlers knowing how to use the bathroom on their own at age two. In a perfect world !!
    Amelia Grace recently wrote…Flying kites and Chennai Express on my birthdayMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      If only, right? (can you tell I’m in potty training hell right now?)

  • August 19, 2013 Kimber

    Good list! My clean laundry that has been waiting to be put up for 3 days, oh wait, weeks, will thank you greatly!
    Kimber recently wrote…Weekly Meal PlanningMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Damn laundry! πŸ™‚

  • August 19, 2013 Michelle

    I’d like my kitchen to self clean too!
    Michelle recently wrote…Back to School RULES {Ladies Only Blog Share Link Party}My Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Oh yes! And self-cleaning toilets too!

  • August 19, 2013 vanita

    Amen to all of it sistah! From your lips to God’s ears, especially the “Couches will self-clean” and “Laundry will self fold”.
    vanita recently wrote…How To Increase Blog TrafficMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      God, I hope you’re listening. πŸ™‚

  • August 19, 2013 tracy

    Love these! I would like to add that I would always like to start my period when I’m at home with a full supply of tampons. lol
    tracy recently wrote…Ode To The Little Toilet Paper PiecesMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Hah!!! Just for you, Tracy, I shall make it so.

  • August 19, 2013 Ado

    Love that: “drinking and driving should not be in one sentence.”
    Ado recently wrote…Let’s Face It: Getting De-Liked Is AbandonmentMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Makes total sense, right?

  • August 19, 2013 Kim

    These are awesome and should be immediately declared official.
    I thought my coffee maker was broken last week. I was making a cup and it made this weird sound and I thought “This is it. The end of coffee. What am I going to do?”
    Turns out, the universe smiled on me – I just needed to clean it. But those few minutes? Scary.
    Kim recently wrote…Gobble GobbleMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Oh the moment of fear, no coffee!! Commiserations, and glad it was easily fixed. πŸ™‚

  • August 19, 2013 AlwaysARedhead

    This list should be posted on the fridge.
    AlwaysARedhead recently wrote…Silent SundayMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      It’s on mine! πŸ™‚

  • August 19, 2013 Blond Duck

    Down here it’s Murphy’s Laws that rule everything! πŸ™‚
    Blond Duck recently wrote…Little SisterMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Here too!

  • August 19, 2013 Kerstin

    I think those are all perfectly reasonable (I like things that make sense πŸ˜‰ ).
    Also – more respect and less judgement.
    Kerstin recently wrote…Counting StarsMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      That is a good one, Kerstin.

  • August 19, 2013 Leighann

    great list! And YES… Love IS love!!
    Leighann recently wrote…iPPP – Soaking in the MomentsMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Thanks Leighann!

  • August 19, 2013 Laura

    I can’t take a shower that lasts shorter than 10 minutes. And that is fast. I blame my hair.

    Ironing is already obsolete in my house. What?
    Laura recently wrote…The End of Great Things = One Celebratory GiveawayMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      No judging here. I HATE ironing.

  • August 19, 2013 Tamara

    Well now I want you to be the master of the universe! I love the self-cleaning couch thing. I think self-cleaning everything, really.
    Tamara recently wrote…Compartment Therapy.My Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Self-cleaning toilets, kitchens, baby bottoms… πŸ˜‰

  • August 19, 2013 Nicole

    Love this Alison! Oh how I wish there was a universal law about perky breasts after breastfeeding!! And, as a proud graduate of Virginia Tech who still grieves for my fellow Hokies, I hope the world will change so schools and universities will always be safe and secure. Let’s see…another universal law…mommy law always reigns supreme!
    Nicole recently wrote…Liebster Award – Part DeuxMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      I like that one about moms reigning supreme!

  • August 20, 2013 Star Traci

    I agree with all of these! I especially am with you on Legos and feet, coffee, and schools always being safe!
    Star Traci recently wrote…You’re the Best… DadMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Thanks Traci! πŸ™‚

  • August 20, 2013 Amanda Jillian

    I would totally love you being the Master of the Universe!
    Amanda Jillian recently wrote…Five Things…. {Old School Blogging}My Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Hah! Thanks for the vote. πŸ™‚

  • August 20, 2013 Lady Jennie

    I laughed at many of them, while simultaneously thinking, “SO TRUE!!!”

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      You can see I’ve been thinking about these things for a while. πŸ™‚

  • August 20, 2013 MomChalant

    Cars will only break down when the person who knows how to describe the problem to the mechanic, is driving it. <— YES! I'm experiencing this right now, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to explain the insane noise coming from my back tire.
    MomChalant recently wrote…My Poop Smells Like My Baby’s PoopMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Ack! I hope you managed to sort it out somehow?

  • August 20, 2013 keely

    Yes. YES. I would add- the tastiest things just so happen to be the best for you. Automatically.
    keely recently wrote…Uncle Fe! Cape Cod! More Excessive Eating!My Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      That. Is. Brilliant.

  • August 20, 2013 Mama and the City

    Yes, totally reasonable.

    And I would like to pair alcohol & driving with “smoking and public places”. Not okay. I respect them, they can do whatever it pleases but once public, I (and my family) don’t need to smell that s***t
    Mama and the City recently wrote…Quick Way to Gain 10 Lbs in 5 MinutesMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      You’re absolutely right! I HATE that too.

  • August 20, 2013 Jeanne

    This is a great list. I totally agree that coffee pots should last forever because it seems like we have to replace ours way too often. And the self-folding laundry… I’d be in heaven it that could happen!
    Jeanne recently wrote…Love Of The LakeMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      I really want self-folding laundry to happen, stat!

  • August 20, 2013 Mandi Noel

    A genius list! I fully support chocolate always being on sale, and I would like to propose that it should also make you skinnier!
    Mandi Noel recently wrote…Meal Planning with PinterestMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Ooh, that’s a good one!

  • August 20, 2013 Roshni

    I WISH!!! How amazing would it be!
    Roshni recently wrote…My funny familyMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Right?? These things need to happen.

  • August 20, 2013 Leah Davidson

    Oh, I especially like how laundry should self fold! I would love for food to always turn out amazingly tasty (if it could make itself, that would be even better too). I hate making a meal and have it flop:(
    Leah Davidson recently wrote…Quote of the Week and Road Trip TimeMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Oh, I know what you mean about meals that flop!

  • August 20, 2013 Robyn

    “Coffee machines should last forever, and not stop working the very morning we need that coffee.”

    Wishing really hard on this one. This morning I was out of coffee. Ground some backup beans fresh and then dropped my reusable filter in the trash. Spent 15 minutes sterilizing it. Poured first cup. Added a splash of creamer, only it came out as a chunk of spoiled dairy. Started over. I kid you not . . . this week can only get better in the coffee department.
    Robyn recently wrote…Brains are quite rich in cholesterol . . .My Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Oh dear god, I can imagine the hand (and head) shaking that went along with that!

  • August 20, 2013 Mirjam

    Ooooh, so many good ones!
    You have gotten me in some sort of dreamy mood, were I will now walk around and fantasize all day about being the master of the universe. You have started something here! Chocolate will have zero calories, food will prepare itself..
    Mirjam recently wrote…Catching lightMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      I’m still walking around thinking I’m Master of the Universe πŸ˜‰

  • August 20, 2013 Marta

    Agree with all of the above statements. I would also like to add that money does grow on trees and they’re reasonably priced to purchase and just need love and attention to grow.
    Marta recently wrote…As Is.My Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Ooh, that would be awesome!

  • August 20, 2013 Mariann

    I love all of these, but my absolute favorite is, “boobs will remain perky even after three years of breastfeeding two children”. HANDS DOWN my FAVORITE! LOL!
    Mariann recently wrote…Positivity Begets PositivityMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

  • August 20, 2013 My Inner Chick

    –What wisdom you have, Alison Lee.

    E X C E L L E N T.

    I have one– Chocolate would be completely, beautifully non-fat

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Oh Kim, if only that were true, my life would be even more amazing!

  • August 20, 2013 Jenni Chiu

    “human rights”… I like that one the best.
    Okay, and the one about the pimples, because COME ON!
    Jenni Chiu recently wrote…Thank YouMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      RIGHT?! So freaking annoying, the zits.

  • August 21, 2013 Tess

    Children falling asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillow? YESSSSS!
    Tess recently wrote…Tuesday ThingsMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Dreams can come true, right?

  • August 21, 2013 Amy

    The acne one is funny – I had to get a refill on my face gel (for acne) and I had to call the insurance company to get approval because it’s labeled for use for “21 and under”. I totally agree with them, I shouldn’t be using it at 38, but… And I’d add that torrential rain cannot fall directly on ball parks, theme parks, me when I’m leaving the grocery store, etc.
    Amy recently wrote…Running on EmptyMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Hah, that’s funny! And unfortunate. πŸ™‚ Oh yes, the weather. I need to be able to control the weather.

  • August 21, 2013 Amy

    My favorite one on this list is “Cars will only break down when the person who knows how to describe the problem to the mechanic, is driving it.” There is something wrong with my car now, and when I took it into the shop, the mechanic treated me like I was an idiot and basically said I was making it up. I’m just waiting to suddenly have car trouble on the way to the airport when I’m already late for a flight that I absolutely must catch, or something like that.

    Something I’d add: If you wouldn’t want it done to you, you won’t do it to someone else. Period.
    Amy recently wrote…Strawberry Chocolate Chip CookiesMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      I hate it when people treat people like idiots – that’s just rude. I hope you got your car fixed!
      And yours is a good one.

  • August 21, 2013 Jennifer

    Yesterday we had convocation at the University. The cheerleaders were there. I looked at my seatmate and said, “I remember when I was that perky.” I didn’t mean their pep. Although that too.
    Jennifer recently wrote…Summer Loving, Creative WritingMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Oh, young people depress me sometimes. πŸ™‚

  • August 22, 2013 Greta

    I order you Master of the Universe, effective immediately. Seriously, this sounds like Heaven (as long as the boob thing extends beyond just two children). πŸ˜‰
    Greta recently wrote…Surrounded #iPPPMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      In my Universe, the boob extends to as many children as you have. πŸ˜‰

  • August 22, 2013 Natalie

    The world would be a better place if she would just follow these rules…I am all for it!
    Natalie recently wrote…ZAZOO Kids Photo Clock Review & Giveaway!My Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Right? I need to be Master right now. πŸ™‚

  • August 22, 2013 Katy

    Haha what a great list! What else should be added to this list? Only fat should be the main source of energy burnt when exercising… and not our precious muscle.
    Katy recently wrote…How to Become A Morning Workout PersonMy Profile

    • August 22, 2013 Alison

      Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

  • You covered all of my wishes. I scrolled down, but couldn’t find the petition for you to be the Master of the Universe. You really should have that more prominently displayed. With this list, you would have that title in the bag in three days straight. Ellen
    Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently wrote…#TalkEarly About Alcohol: Morsels, Breadcrumbs, and SpiralsMy Profile

    • August 23, 2013 Alison

      I knew I forgot something! Thanks for the vote πŸ˜‰
      (and congratulations on the book!)

  • August 24, 2013 Karen Main

    Schools must be safe and why does the toast burn???
    Love this great easy read.
    Can I add….The camera card should never be full right when an awesome shot is about to be taken.
    Karen Main recently wrote…A behind the scenes look at my craft….slideshowsMy Profile

    • August 24, 2013 Alison

      Omigosh Karen, you’re absolutely right! Good one. πŸ™‚

  • August 24, 2013 karen

    YES YES YES…Love is equal. Love is love. People should be able to marry who they love. AND Gay and rights should not be a phrase, because it should be β€˜human rights…

    I agree with chocolate being on sale…I think drivers who talk or text while driving should automatically have their phones confiscated and can’t use another phone a month….that would save some lives.
    I refuse to iron…just sprinkel water on the clothes and add to the fluff cycle…I HATE IRONING…and it scares me. LOL
    karen recently wrote…WALKING OVER A RIVERMy Profile

    • August 24, 2013 Alison

      I feel the same about ironing!
      And yes, I feel the same way about people who text and drive.

  • August 24, 2013 Rabia

    Great list, but you haven’t gone far enough in terms of laundry. I firmly believe that after washing, drying and folding itself, it should also put itself away! It just seems right that way.
    Rabia recently wrote…Jammy Jams: Once Upon a Rhyme (Review)My Profile

    • August 24, 2013 Alison

      Hah! Or just clothes that stay clean FOREVER. Laundry would be obsolete.

  • August 25, 2013 Xae

    This is a great set of laws! The laundry folding must be made for real πŸ™‚
    Xae recently wrote…Eid Road Trip…Finally!My Profile

    • August 25, 2013 Alison

      Hah, thanks!

  • August 25, 2013 ReneeJay

    You pretty much have the list covered; so you have my vote for Master of the Universe! Maybe I would add to the list that no one is allowed to purge their memory of all the great times shared with a friend or walk away from their friendships just because of one falling out.
    ReneeJay recently wrote…Forever YoungMy Profile

    • August 25, 2013 Alison

      That is a good one! And thanks for the vote πŸ˜‰

  • August 25, 2013 Katie

    I LOVE all of these! I would add that if you do the work to breastfeed, well damnit, your bewbs should get BETTER looking! (said the woman who didn’t breastfeed)
    Katie recently wrote…Rash KickersMy Profile

    • August 25, 2013 Alison

      Oh dude, I so wish that was true! (at least for me)

  • August 25, 2013 Robbie

    People should not judge.

    Toilet paper should not run out.

    Dentists should not ask “do you floss?”

    Keys/cell phones/debit cards shall never e lost.
    Robbie recently wrote…Sixth GradeMy Profile

    • August 25, 2013 Alison

      Ooh,good ones, Robbie.

  • August 27, 2013 Andrea

    I will lobby for the instant sleep campaign. Argh!
    Andrea recently wrote…SentimentalMy Profile

    • August 27, 2013 Alison

      Sigh. Right?

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