My Motherhood Report Card

posted in: Humor, Motherhood 100 comments

Some magazine decided it’d be fun to ‘rate’ celebrity mothers (thanks Mommy Shorts for your post) – like, a B+ for eating your own placenta, or a D for refusing kids carbs (did I hear someone say Gwyneth? Why yes, you’d be right).

Instead of ranting and raving about how stupid that is (because it is), I thought it’d be fun (and funny) if *I rated myself.

*Disclaimer: I am rating ME. Not you. Not that mother over there. Or there. Or her over there. This is in good humour, and I am just poking fun at myself and that tabloid rag.

My motherhood report card

  • Both kids are great with routine. It’s like they can tell time. It’s uncanny.  A
  • Teaching coping skills when we stray from routine. Coping skills? What coping skills? D
Food/ Mealtimes
  • Everyone sits down when dinner is ready. A
  • Children staying at dinner table for the entire meal. Hah! The baby strays off after 8 minutes. C
  • Candy. There may or may not have been an incident, okay, two incidents, of lollipops for breakfast. F
  • Children eating what they’re served. Sure, if they’re served what they want to eat. C+
  • Children served home cooked food at least 4 times a week. B-
  • French fries as a meal. Yes, more than once a week. D-
  • Giving the 13-month old pizza for dinner. C-
  • Giving 13-month old pizza that is NOT homemade, for dinner. F
Potty training
  • No one is ready for this, despite several attempts over one year. F
Taking children out
  • Everyone is out the door in 10 minutes. A-
  • Someone forgets something, usually the Mother. C
  • Children behave in grocery store without bribery for 5 minutes. B-
  • Small one wants to touch allthethings, is not allowed, and tries to escape from the Baby Bjorn, his screams deafening his Mother. Number of people staring: just 4. B-
  • Get everything on grocery list. A
  • Number of chocolate bars grabbed by the preschooler without his Mother knowing: 4. Preschooler – A, Mother – D
  • Go home and realize a couple of items have been forgotten. F
  • Everyone is alive and Mother hasn’t yelled at anyone. A
Clothing/ Laundry
  • Both children are usually wearing at least one item of clothing each. C
  • Pants are optional. C
  • Laundry is done once a day, usually folded and put away by 3.00 pm. A-
  • Laundry is never sorted by whites, darks or colours. D
Bath time
  • Children are bathed once a day. A
  • Children play happily together during bath time. A
  • Children fighting after one minute of playing happily together, and the Mother watches for a couple of minutes to wait for them to self-resolve. D
  • Resolution: one child is removed from the bathroom, kicking and screaming. D-
  • Clean children? Debatable. C+
Nap time
  • Both kids nap at the same time. (let’s just stay with this for a moment, and savour the perfect score)
Bedtime/ Sleep
  • Both children in bed before 8.00 pm. A
  • One child sleeps through the night. A
  • One child sleeps for 4 hours in his crib, wakes up on the dot at 11.00 pm and demands to be picked up. Child gets picked up and sleeps in the big bed. D-
  • Same child wakes up multiple times in the middle of the night. The right thing to do would be to put him back in his crib and let him sleep there, ‘train’ him to go back to sleep by himself. Instead, he is offered boob to quieten him because his Mother is too freaking tired to do anything else, further enabling this cycle. F
  • Co-sleeping child wakes parents up by open-mouth wet kisses, or lying on one parent’s chest. A, because who doesn’t want to wake up to baby kisses and hugs?
  • Children get regular hugs and kisses. A
  • Mother swears in front of children. Sometimes. D
  • Mother hides chocolate from children. B-
Overall performance

Average in most areas, good at some things, and improvement required in other areas.

Children are healthy, happy, usually clothed, and acting their age, which means they’re fine.

Mother is usually tired, but functions well enough to keep the house fairly clean and crumb-free if you can ignore the sticky play mat and coffee table.

Mother manages at least four home-cooked dinners a week, which is not to be sneezed at. The jury is however, still out on the implementation of Pizza Friday – genius, or lazy?

Mother also scores well in the laundry department, except for regular reports from her husband about “missing socks” and “shrunken shirts”. But that’s for another report card.

What score would you give yourself?

Link up with Galit and I now for Memories Captured, and you could be 1 of 5 lucky linkers to win a book! Linky is open until June 14, 9.00 pm (Eastern).  Also, I have a post at Everyday Family today with mom-toddler date ideas, come check it out.

Alison Lee is a former PR and marketing professional turned work-at-home mother. After a 10-year career in various PR agencies, and of the world’s biggest sports brands, Alison traded in product launches and world travel, for sippy cups, diapers, and breastfeeding. Alison's writing has been featured on Mamalode, On Parenting at The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Everyday Family, Scary Mommy, and She is one of 35 essayists in the anthology, My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends. In 2012, she founded Little Love Media, a social media consultancy specializing in blog book tours, and because she doesn’t sleep, is an editor at BonBon Break, an online magazine. Alison lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia with her husband and four children (two boys and boy/ girl twins).

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  • June 12, 2013 Kerstin

    Great ideas and awesome post, Alison!
    I would give myself a “always tries her best wholeheartedly and is good enough”.
    Kerstin recently wrote…Alert the media – I was spontaneous!My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      That’s a good grade, Kerstin!

  • June 12, 2013 Roshni

    Pizza night is an awesome brainwave, so A+! 🙂
    Roshni recently wrote…Tales of my fatherMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Why, thank you!

  • June 12, 2013 Maureen

    You are an awesome Mama, Alison! I’d say you aced your motherhood report card brilliantly 🙂
    Maureen recently wrote…I Am Not FineMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      You’re very kind, my friend.

  • June 12, 2013 Honeybee

    I laugh when I read this. Your report card is…not bad. 😀

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Hah! Thank you. 🙂

  • June 12, 2013 Mirjam

    Hahaha, Alison! That’s a pretty good report card.
    I love all the fun changes you have made to your page. You have been busy!
    Mirjam recently wrote…World Moms BlogMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Thanks Mirjam! I changed my design back in February, though I’ve been tweaking my sidebar a little. 🙂

  • June 12, 2013 Tricia

    You’re doing well, mama! I’m terrified to do one of my own!
    Tricia recently wrote…One of those memoriesMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      All tongue in cheek!

  • June 12, 2013 Tracie

    That A you got in “Children get regular hugs and kisses” says it all.

    If french fries for a meal is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
    Tracie recently wrote…A Letter To The Girl Who Is Hurting And ConfusedMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I don’t want to be right either #FrenchFriesFTW

  • June 12, 2013 Leighann

    We struggle with bedtime and always have. I’m kind of jealous that you have two that go to bed so well.
    Leighann recently wrote…Bipolar Roller CoasterMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      It’s one of the things we’ve done right, fortunately.

  • June 12, 2013 Onica {MommyFactor}

    I think your mom report card graded very well. And yes I agree that french fries can be a meal. Add in chicken nuggets and done! I think you know how my mom report card would score. LOL
    Onica {MommyFactor} recently wrote…Opening the Door – Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I do make a version of chicken nuggets, but a healthier yummy homemade version. 🙂

  • June 12, 2013 jamie

    Well, anything structured I’d give myself a C — maybe even a D+ when we get crazy busy. For the fun stuff, I’d give myself a B — maybe even and A- in the summer. At the end of the day, if I got things accomplished, didn’t lose it with the kids and we all are still kind and laughing — I give myself a passing grade for the day.
    jamie recently wrote…Why was I holding a spoon? And other ways to unwind.My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I think that’s a great score, Jamie!

  • June 12, 2013 sarah

    oh man. If I sat down to do one of these I’d probably be harsh on myself. Love that you kept this light-hearted and fun. I think you got A’s in all the good stuff 🙂
    sarah recently wrote…I am the bull #ippp #OSBlog #memoriescapturedMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      All in good humor! 🙂

  • June 12, 2013 melissa

    This is hilarious. I think I may need to go and grade myself.

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      It was pretty fun to do 🙂

  • June 12, 2013 Alexandra

    You, as mother, A+ for being aware, devoted, passionate, committed. No doubt where your heart is… your children know they are adored.
    Alexandra recently wrote…Getting the Green LightMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I love that you have such faith in my abilities. xoxo

  • June 12, 2013 Martine

    You’re doing splendidly! I for one would rate myself an “F” in the laundry department, which is why I’ve outsourced it, LOL.
    Truth be told, I miss offering the boob. Maybe it’s just hormones wishing for another baby! Ha!
    Awesome post, as usual.
    Martine recently wrote…Currently Loving: La Creperie “Maison”My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Time for another then! 🙂

  • June 12, 2013 Kristin

    So much of this list comforts me! I’m always like, are we the only couple that end up split by a kid in the bed for half the night? Does anyone else’s kid see french fries as a perfectly good meal? This is awesome!
    Kristin recently wrote…5 Hilarious Things Munch Has Done LatelyMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Thank you, Kristin! It’s good to know that there are other moms out there whose small ones hog the bed after french fries for dinner. 🙂

  • June 12, 2013 Natalie

    Ha ha this is great! I am not sure what my report card would look like…but I’m sure it wouldn’t be straight A’s like I used to get in school ha ha!
    Natalie recently wrote…This Little Guy…My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Oh there is no possibility of perfection in this motherhood gig 🙂

  • June 12, 2013 Tamara

    hahaha! I think I get an “F” for my swearing in front of the kids. And I’ve definitely given my near 12-month-old some less than fresh and organic food, which never happened with my firstborn of course. I get an A++++ for affection and saying “I love you.” Hands down. I just can’t stop saying it.
    Tamara recently wrote…The Next Time I See You.My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      More than made up for the F’s then. 😉

  • June 12, 2013 Sandra

    This is hilarious, and I can relate in so many ways. So my laundry is always sorted by color, but never folded. Like, ever. I’ve dealt with the co-sleeping and actually enjoyed it while I could. We love routines, too! My F would be: blogging and ignoring the kids when they’re at home. 🙂
    Sandra recently wrote…Dear WalkMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I’ve done some of that blogging and ignoring thing too. Less so now, but guilty on occasion. 🙂

  • June 13, 2013 Andrea

    When you spell out motherhood like this, it’s a wonder any of us get anything done! Days with children are full, full, full.

    Overall, I’d say you’re doing great. Especially in the Naptime and “Everyone is alive, and Mother hasn’t yelled at anyone” categories.
    Andrea recently wrote…About Me ABCMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Right?? We have to give credit where credit is due.

  • June 13, 2013 Mama and the City

    The potty training … is there such a thing as -F? if so, I get one to go please.
    Mama and the City recently wrote…Love It’s All That MattersMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Oh I feel like an F in that department. Sigh.

  • June 13, 2013 julie gardner

    Napping at the same time is worth Fs in every other category.
    Okay, I may be exaggerating.

    But maybe not.
    julie gardner recently wrote…When You Lose Something You Can’t ReplaceMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I’ll take it as a not. xo

  • Oh, shit. I get a D for swearing? [crestfallen]

    But I get an A for hugs and kisses! Maybe even an A+. Yes, that’s good. 🙂
    Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) recently wrote…The reminderMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Well, *I* get a D. 😉

  • June 13, 2013 Jennifer

    I’m trying really hard not to freak out about the fact that you don’t separate your laundry. (I’m kind of a laundry freak. Just fyi.)
    Jennifer recently wrote…Catching UpMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Hah! Why am I not surprised?
      We don’t wear enough stuff for me to separate laundry and do them once a day. If you know what I mean. And I cannot go without doing laundry too long. That’s my explanation anyway. 🙂

  • June 13, 2013 Michelle

    I think you’re a great mom! I do believe I would score poorly on this. Although their rooms are a mess (things could grow in there) and the boys play too many video games, they all do well in school, they’re all involved in sports, they eat just about every vegetable and my 12 year old just read Dante’s Inferno. I must be doing something right! 🙂
    Michelle recently wrote…Decorate Your Home with Photos! {WeMontage Photo Wallpaper Giveaway}My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Oh yes, Michelle, you’re definitely doing something right!

  • June 13, 2013 Elizabeth

    Loved this line: “Children are healthy, happy, usually clothed, and acting their age, which means they’re fine.” Pants, smants! There are plenty of other important things 🙂

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      That’s what my boys will say for sure!

  • June 13, 2013 My Inner Chick

    You got the A’s on all of the IMPORTANT stuff, Alison Lee! I always appreciate your honesty.

    From me You shall always get an “A,” Mama. Xx
    My Inner Chick recently wrote…9 Ways To Kick Blog AssMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      You’re far too awesome, my friend!

  • June 13, 2013 Nina

    What a clever way to turn that nasty magazine story on its head. This is so funny and I could give myself all the same grades– for candy and everything else!
    Nina recently wrote…The Prep School Novel and Insider RegretMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Hee, thanks Nina!

  • June 13, 2013 Leah Davidson

    Hilarious! It makes me feel so much better too because it does go to show that we all have areas we do well in, and areas that we aren’t so great in…no one can do it all:)
    Leah Davidson recently wrote…Quote of the WeekMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Oh yes, there is no perfection in motherhood. 🙂

  • June 13, 2013 angela

    So I think you nailed the big ones 🙂 Lots of hugs and love. All the rest is just frosting. Chocolate frosting…
    angela recently wrote…The Midwife’s Revolt – A ReviewMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Mmmmm chocolate frosting….

  • June 13, 2013 keely

    You make me guffaw. And pizza TOTALLY counts.
    keely recently wrote…Bad Mom; June Edition.My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Oh good. #SighofRelief

  • June 13, 2013 Elaine A.

    Your disclaimer cracks me up. 😉

    And don’t give yourself an “F” on potty training. It was REALLY hard with my first but he’s fine now so…

    This is a great post and will be fun to look back on someday!
    Elaine A. recently wrote…More Scenes from New Orleans!My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Sigh. It’s hard. He’s just. not. interested. Gah.

  • June 14, 2013 Stasha

    My son is currently butt naked building Legos while having a cuppa tea. I give you A for Awesome mama!!
    Stasha recently wrote…Who makes your coffee?My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Hah! Thanks for the funny visual. 🙂

  • June 14, 2013 Kathy Radigan

    Yikes! We get graded on laundry, I don’t think that was in my handbook on the day of orientation!! Lol! Great post and really funny! Personally I don’t think lollipops for breakfasts warrants a F, maybe just a Needs improvement!! Lo!! You are an awesome mom and a really great writer! Thanks for always entertaining me!!
    Kathy Radigan recently wrote…I Can Be Silent No MoreMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Hah, breakfast time definitely needs improvement here, Kathy! (note to self: stop buying lollipops, or hide them where the kids can’t see them)

  • You bathe the kids each day… you are my hero! No really! Today mine got a sponge bath while they where watching ‘Peter Pan’ and a bit of extra scrubbing around the mouth because of the ice-cream I gave them to eat during ‘Peter Pan’.
    And I would SO funk ‘swearing in front of kids’! Honestly… I thought swearing in French would be a good idea.. result : kids now exactly when to say ‘bande de petit cons!’ (bunch of idiots)… Oh well…
    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently wrote…Memories captured : Memorable weekendsMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Hah! “Bunch of idiots” does not count as swearing, silly!
      I have to bathe them once a day, we live in hot, tropical weather daily and they stink. 😉

  • June 14, 2013 Rach (DonutsMama)

    I can’t believe you even get 8 minutes at the table with the kids. Mine wanders off after 2 minutes. And non-homemade pizza? Yeah, it’s a staple here. It’s called survival.
    Rach (DonutsMama) recently wrote…What Do I Know About Boys?My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Well, *about* 8 minutes. 🙂

  • June 14, 2013 Christine

    You are an awesome Mama. I’m scared to even think about grading myself!! Meals times are the worst for me!!!
    Christine recently wrote…The Brighter Side with FriendsMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Aw, thanks Christine. My oldest likes routine and dinner time is routine, so it’s easy to get him sitting down with us. Getting him to eat is easier when we give him what we know what he likes, though we do try new foods then too (not always successful). The baby is another matter….

  • June 14, 2013 anymommy

    You bathe them every day? As far as I’m concerned, that’s extra credit!!
    anymommy recently wrote…Ring pops are the answerMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I have no choice, we live in hot tropical weather daily, and they stink!

  • June 14, 2013 Greta

    Aw, you are too hard on yourself. As all around! (And for the record, Pizza Friday is brilliant. We do it here!)
    Greta recently wrote…Memories Captured: JuneMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Glad to know I’m not the only one down with Pizza Friday!

  • June 14, 2013 Ilene

    Oh, Alison! Our report cards would look the same – very much the same! Including mother hiding chocolate from children!
    Ilene recently wrote…This Is 43My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      B is a decent grade right? 🙂

  • June 14, 2013 Nicole

    Love this! Pizza night is genius and definitely a regular occurence in our house. Sometimes it’s homemade, but more often than not, it’s the freezer variety. Love that you graded your preschooler’s ability to grab candy bars – so funny! And I definitely put my little one back to sleep MANY times with the boob, especially in the early morning when I just didn’t want to get up yet. Now that she’s weaned, the early morning wake-ups are really crampin’ my style!
    Nicole recently wrote…Three Cheers for the DaddiosMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I keep wanting to do homemade pizza, I just need to get my butt in gear. 🙂

  • June 14, 2013 Jessica

    I would give myself an A for being a great napper. And that’s about all I can rate myself on this past week. 🙂
    Jessica recently wrote…Essence of Now: LazyMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Hah! Any A is good in my books.

  • June 15, 2013 Crystal

    My biggest F would be the Sleeping aspect. I pick up on demand – over and over again.
    Crystal recently wrote…How to Use Google+ Circles to Build Your Brand (or Blog)My Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Sigh, me too, me too.

  • June 15, 2013 Kim

    I think I would evaluate my performance in much the same way you have: mostly average with some bright spots and areas to improve. I am a work in progress, but since life with children is constantly evolving, that seems to work out most of the time. Also? In my opinion, pizza is the perfect way to end the week. 🙂
    Kim recently wrote…Pushing ThroughMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      I am hoping my report card will improve over time. 🙂

  • June 15, 2013 Grownandflown

    I think you get lots of credit for the completeness of your list, not to mention the humor. Home – cooking 4 nights a week plus Friday night for pizza take out is our family habit that we have kept for 20+ years. Looking back, Sal’s Pizza helped us create a tradition of celebrating the week’s end and is a family night we all cherish. Keep it up!
    Grownandflown recently wrote…Chobani: Nothing But GoodMy Profile

    • June 15, 2013 Alison

      Oh that’s a good thing to know, that it can become a positive family tradition! 🙂

  • June 16, 2013 Julia's Math

    I think the fact that you care enough to have a report card means you aced it!
    Julia’s Math recently wrote…Why Do I Write?My Profile

    • June 16, 2013 Alison

      That’s a good perspective 🙂

  • June 16, 2013 Mamarific

    Hilarious! Many of my scores would be similar, especially the F in potty training.
    Mamarific recently wrote…All the HorsesMy Profile

    • June 16, 2013 Alison

      I’m sorry that’s the case, but it’s good to know I’m not alone 🙂

  • June 17, 2013 Katie

    Dude. Charlie is doing this wake up at 11pm on the nut thing too! and needing to be slept with (one of us takes him to the couch because OHMYGOD no one would sleep if he was in our bed). WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO US?

    And I am so not giving myself a grade…I’m a newb at this SAHM thing and if I graded myself now? It would not look to good. Also? No grades in the summer, right??
    Katie recently wrote…Project 365 {week 24}My Profile

    • June 17, 2013 Alison

      It’s a test, Katie, a test!! (kids!)

      You needn’t grade yourself, you’re on summer break!

  • June 18, 2013 Lady Jennie

    Pants are always optional in tropical climates.

    I would be about the same as you in the food and discipline department, but you beat me out of the park in the cleanliness department. 😀
    Lady Jennie recently wrote…Life in the Trenches – Chapter 24My Profile

    • June 18, 2013 Alison

      Right? Thank goodness we have the weather to er, blame. 🙂

      The cleanliness thing? No choice now because of the boy’s dust mite allergy.

  • June 18, 2013 Robin

    I’m not going to re-grade this (though I’m tempted)… 😉 But I will say that “mother hides chocolate from children” is totally worthy of an A. That’s smart and necessary!
    Robin recently wrote…Now You Are FiveMy Profile

    • June 18, 2013 Alison

      I was torn about that. Because I think I shouldn’t be eating chocolate in the first place. And that my children shouldn’t know what chocolate is. 🙂

  • June 22, 2013 Loren

    I love this, Alison! I admire that you get a perfect score when it comes to getting both of your children to nap at the same time. I get a big F in that category (and if an F- was possible, I’d get that for my three year old, who completely refuses to nap altogether anymore). Anyway, love your blog! We’re not too far away from you in sunny Thailand.

    • June 22, 2013 Alison

      Loren, nap time is my sanity saver, so whatever I don’t do right, this department is a must for scoring an A. I’m glad my 3.5 year old still naps, and even when he drops him, I’m encouraging “quiet time” 🙂 Thanks for stopping by, Loren and waving to you up in Thailand!

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