Things I’m Afraid to Tell You: Volume II

posted in: Blogging, Life, Motherhood, Parenting, Writing 135 comments

Without fear there cannot be courage.

11 months ago, I wrote about 5 things I was afraid to tell you. It was fairly therapeutic (as Alexandra says, blogging IS therapy), and no one ran away screaming.

So I’m back with more things I’m afraid to tell you.

I’m afraid to tell you that I’m worried my 3 year old will never catch up with his peers. My boy, now 3 years and 4.5 months old, does not communicate like his peers. We do not have conversations, the only questions he asks relates to whether he can have a snack, and I have no idea what goes on in his head. When a preschooler does not talk, many things become impossible, or at least, very, very difficult to do. Potty training (we’re nearly there, I hope), discipline, trying new food (if anyone knows a way to tell your child without words, how eating fruit really won’t kill him, please call me), dealing with new situations, sharing joy and achievements, making friends. His classmates at preschool can talk and have conversations. Although he IS the youngest in his class, he’s not even anywhere near a 3 year old’s proficiency.  He started speech therapy 6 weeks ago, and though there is very slight improvement, he’s not where he’s supposed to be. This is killing me, and I’m sure it’s hurting him.

I’m afraid to tell you that I will always have a pooch (and I may be okay with it). I am actually really comfortable with my body. Yes, I could lose another 10 pounds, but I know my weight is normal, and I’m healthy. But some days, the leftover baby belly fat hanging over my pants, does bother me. Not being able to wear my fitted shirts anymore, bothers me a little. Just a little. Most days though, I have little desire to worry about it, so I don’t do anything about it. So in all likelihood, Winnie the Pooch will be around forever.

I’m afraid to tell you that I think I will run out of things to write about. There was a time when I would write four, sometimes, five blog posts in one sitting. These days, I come up on the day I usually publish, and I have nothing. Not a thing. I have no ideas in my head. The ones I do have, I can’t write about. I wish I could. I wish I was braver with my writing. Because I’m afraid I will stop writing.

I’m afraid to tell you that I may never get over not having a third child. We decided that we’re two and through, a few months ago. It’s not a decision we made lightly, we took all the factors that matter into consideration, and it’s something that is best for our family. But I still mourn the child that will never be.

Is there anything you’re afraid to tell anyone? 

Alison Lee is a former PR and marketing professional turned work-at-home mother. After a 10-year career in various PR agencies, and of the world’s biggest sports brands, Alison traded in product launches and world travel, for sippy cups, diapers, and breastfeeding. Alison's writing has been featured on Mamalode, On Parenting at The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Everyday Family, Scary Mommy, and She is one of 35 essayists in the anthology, My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends. In 2012, she founded Little Love Media, a social media consultancy specializing in blog book tours, and because she doesn’t sleep, is an editor at BonBon Break, an online magazine. Alison lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia with her husband and four children (two boys and boy/ girl twins).

Latest posts by Alison (see all)

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • May 15, 2013 Maureen

    Oh Alison I wish I could just hug you, my friend. I wish nothing but the best for your boy.I have no smart answers to this but you know his Mom is a kick ass Mama so he is in great hands.

    As for the pooch? Where do I sign up for the pooch club? 😀

    I’m afraid I have to let go of the thoughts of ever having another baby, Alison. Darn typing it here makes me got all choked up and teary eyed.


    • May 17, 2013 Alison

      You do NOT have a pooch, my fit and fabulous friend!
      I’ll take virtual hugs. xoxo

  • May 15, 2013 Onica {MommyFactor}

    There’s tons I’m afraid to tell people. My son also was a late talker and started speech therapy. These days he’s very chatty. Not up to full length conversation yet but in time it will come. It will happen for your son also. As for the more then one child fear. I’d like a 2nd one but my fear surrounds what happens after. I’m still struggling with it. Thanks for sharing!

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I am looking forward to the day when he gets chatty. He’s making some progress though.
      I had fears too with having a second baby, but really, there’s nothing to fear, and only so much to love. Promise.

  • May 15, 2013 Kimberly

    Hee hee…have you read my blog? I think people know what the size of my panties are 🙂
    When my son started school, he was assessed by a speech pathologist and it was identified that he needed help. I was crushed. Like was it my fault? It added to my already “I want to die” mood. I felt like an awful mother. I wanted so much to write about it but I decided that it’s my son’s business and no one else’s (although I’m sharing it here with you and probably some comment trolls…oh hello there). I know that so many of your commenters are going to say that every child develops on their own and I know that during this particular time it means bs. I never believed it. Now that he’s almost done a year in school, his speech has soared. You’re little guy? He’s got one smart momma and loving momma and I know that is a recipe for success 🙂
    I hate my back. Yes, for mechanical reasons…but my muscles have depleted back there so I look like a skeleton. You can see every rib, vertebrae and what not. Sometimes I’m too embarrassed to put on a bikini for fear of “Oh that girl is anorexic”…nope it just a lack of muscle tone back there because my front? That’s a whole other story.
    The other day Chunky told me to put his baby sister in his stomach. Kills me. He doesn’t understand.
    Ok, I’m done with the diarrhea.
    Kimberly recently wrote…Home?My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I haven’t written much about Monkey’s speech thing for the same reason – it’s really his business. But it’s killing me to not acknowledge it even. So this is probably the extent to which I’m prepared to discuss this. For now. I think speech therapy and school will help him a lot. I’m just impatient for results.
      Love your verbal diarrhea.

  • May 15, 2013 Ado

    Hang in there. If it helps any I have had a couple of mom friends in this same boat and things turned out fine after the speech therapist arrived (one of them had something called “selective mutism” and it totally improved). Another, I’m not sure what the diagnosis was but her child literally did not speak at all, not even to say she wanted a snack, for the first 4 years and is fine now.
    Love the phrase “two and through” – I never heard it before.
    And you do not have a pooch! (-:
    Ado recently wrote…My Friend TomMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I do have a pooch. As much as a pooch can be. Le sigh. 🙂

  • May 15, 2013 Susanna Leonard Hill

    Here are my words of comfort for your worries in case they might help at all 🙂
    1. Your 3 year old will probably be fine. Everyone grows and develops at his own pace. My cousin didn’t say a word until he was 4 and he is a brilliant and accomplished writer who wrote a book on Yao Ming and has worked steadily for the Christian Science Monitor and National Geographic among others. Also, don’t forget Albert Einstein who didn’t speak until he was 4 or 5! And you are a great mom – you will do what needs to be done to help him.
    2. A pooch is a sign of motherhood and all the wonderful things that go with it. Wear it with pride 🙂
    3. Things to write about are all around you – look around and and pick something. It doesn’t have to be anything big 🙂 You can write about your baby’s smile, or the sound of rain, or the painting your toddler made at school – there’s always something to say… The hard things sometimes take more time, or have to be written about privately first, but writing is therapy.
    4. Depending on what lengths you may have gone to to make sure you won’t have a third child, you can always change your mind, at least for a while. I felt the same way about not having a fourth. But you know what? It’s worked out great. I adore my children, our family is perfect as it is, and someday there will be grandkids 🙂 Being a good mom is hard work. Keeping the numbers down is in your favor 🙂
    Hugs 🙂
    Susanna Leonard Hill recently wrote…Would You Read It Wednesday #88 – Nobody Loves Roberto A. Tailbottom (PB)My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I love you Susanna!!! xo

  • May 15, 2013 JDaniel4's Mom

    There is a part of me that still longs for a second child, but it wasn’t meant to be. It is hard when spend time with friends who are still having children.
    JDaniel4’s Mom recently wrote…Creating a Summer Bucket List with the SITS GirlsMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I think it’d be a little hard for me to be around pregnant ladies for a couple more years 🙂

  • May 15, 2013 My Inner Chick

    1. I love love love your authenticity.
    2.Moms’ dig you!
    3.You do not have a pouch. R U crazzzy?
    4. You crack me up
    5. You make me smile
    6. Sometimes you make me sad
    …..Yes, I’m afraid to tell people sometimes I’m so outrageously sad about Kay’s murder that I can’t stand the thought of living a long long life. Is that horrible?
    My Inner Chick recently wrote…Once Upon A Time…My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Oh Kim. It’s not horrible. Your love for Kay is deep and indescribable. Love you. xo

  • You are braver than most, so give yourself credit. It’s funny because I lament the things I want to say on my own blog and don’t. I think I am afraid of the real me and whether people would still like me. But look at all the places you contribute too..I doubt you will ever run out of things to say.

    At least you know your child and that is half the battle because now you will stay on top of what needs to be done. I have two children and am grateful they are wonderful talkers…so wonderful that I can barely hear myself think most days. :/

    Winnie the Pooch…that’s funny. Maybe I can be more okay with mine if I name it??

    We are two and through as well. And now that my SIL is starting her little family and plans on many more, I also have been missing the third child we will not have. Or maybe I just miss being pregnant? Because I loved being pregnant!
    Melisa – Mommy This and That recently wrote…11My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      You’re too kind, Melisa!

      You’re right, knowing what needs to be done, having a plan, that definitely makes me feel that we’re making progress, no matter how small.

      I did not love being pregnant, not all 9 months of it anyway 🙂

  • May 15, 2013 Kate

    I can relate to most of these. The belly fat…well I likened it to my the Saggy Baggy Elephant in a recent post. All the excess skin, ugh! Once again, enjoyed your post.
    Kate recently wrote…Flooding, Urgent Care, and sharks…oh my!My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Oh, Saggy Baggy Elephant made me laugh!

  • May 15, 2013 Heidi

    I love your candor. Your writing is always honest and refreshing, and THAT is why people come back.

    You will always worry about your child’s development. In my non-expert opinion as a parent who has worried about my own 3-year-old’s speech patterns, I think your son will be fine; each child develops at their own pace. Thank goodness you have resources like a speech therapist to help.

    I also have secret fears. I worry that our older son (age 6), who is actually very bright, overthinks too many things, and that he’ll miss out on experiences is because of it. I’m afraid he won’t be as confident as he needs to be to put that brain to work. I worry that he can be impulsive and OMG, it’s not possible to hate EVERY food that you ate without issue just a week ago, is it?!

    I also worry about our impulsive 3 year old. I wonder about the 3rd child that we also decided not to have.

    Today, I’m a little scared. I’ve been writing in “secret” (on the WORLD WIDE WEB, LOL!). I just posted part of my story about being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and I’m about to share it with people I know, beyond a close circle of friends and family. This is a big step for me, and I am quite nervous about it. I worry about how it will be received, or how it may be judged.

    Thank you again for your candor. Hugs from one Mommy to another!
    (P.S. I have a love/hate relationship with my pooch!)
    Heidi recently wrote…My Diagnosis Story, Part IV: Recovery…and AcceptionMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Will we EVER stop worrying?
      No, don’t answer that. 🙂
      I think you’ll find that beyond a few trolls, most people on the WWW are sweet and supportive. I hope you’ve found that with the publishing of your story (so brave!).
      Hugs back!

  • May 15, 2013 Galit Breen

    I adore brave, transparent (therapeutic!) posts, and I adore you! xo
    Galit Breen recently wrote…How do you get out of your comfort zone?My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Love you hard. xo

  • May 15, 2013 Tricia

    Wishing I could give you a hug. These are tough things to deal with but I hope sharing them here helps. Hoping the therapy helps your boy and I share some of your other fears here. As for what I’m afraid to tell anyone… I’m afraid that all of the work I’m doing this year will not pan out, my freelancing career will never take off, and I’ll never get to stay home with my kids.
    Tricia recently wrote…In it.My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Oh hon, things WILL fall into place. Have faith. Stay strong.

  • May 15, 2013 thedoseofreality

    Definitely understand the writing one for sure. We have that conversation a lot, actually. Seems like it goes in spurts…sometimes we will be filled with ideas and other times there is just nothing. The first one was hard. Because, as you know, we can’t know in parenting and that is tough. Hugs.-The Dose Girls
    thedoseofreality recently wrote…How Two Couch Potatoes Got PerspectiveMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Parenting is really like driving in the dark sometimes, isn’t it?

  • May 15, 2013 Vikki

    Winnie the Pooch. Totally stealing this.
    Vikki recently wrote…On Mothering…My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      You’re welcome. 🙂

  • May 15, 2013 Michelle

    My youngest (he is the third child) had a lot of health issues that took forever to resolve and during our last visit with the neurologist, she told me that he had even more issues (developmental delays) because 1) he didn’t know what to do with a doll and had no interest in playing with it and 2) he didn’t have enough words – his only three were Tonka (our cat), thunder, and mama. He understood everything we said, just chose not to talk on his own. Fast forward 10.5 years, he is just fine…does very well in school and has no issues at all. So I would say don’t worry too much, follow up with whatever you need to follow up with for him and get help, but children do develop at different times!
    And as far as that pouch goes, I wish you luck! I am frustrated by mine. I work out and its still there! Ugh. My youngest is 12. I think at this point its there to stay…it must really like me. 🙁 I hope you banish yours!
    Michelle recently wrote…Celebrating a Life with a Tribute AlbumMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I think Winnie is overly attached to me right now 😉
      I’m glad to hear that things resolved for your son. Hoping it’d go the same way with mine.

  • May 15, 2013 Bev

    Oh, Alison, what it must be like to want so bad for your son to be able to communicate and to know what is going on in his head (lots, I’m sure!) I’m sure over time you’ll see improvements, especially since he just started speech. I worked for a year in a school with children with severe autism–one of my students, who was mostly nonverbal, worked so hard to talk and it was amazing what he learned to say over the year!

    Thank you for sharing. I think one of the hardest things we can do as humans is to share our fears with others. It is very inspiring!
    Bev recently wrote…Color! Glorious Color!My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Thank you so much, Bev.
      I think my boy will converse soon. I know he wants to. I just need to be patient!

  • May 15, 2013 Katie

    There are tons of things I’m afraid to tell too- I’m afraid that I will never be able to protect my daughter from being molested like I was, I’m afraid I will pass my body image problems on to her, and I’m afraid that when we try for a second baby that we wont be able to have one. It feels good to get that out there.

    I wish the best for your little boy, and I am very envious that you are ok with your pooch- can I join your club? I hope that you always choose to share the hard things with us, but at the same time I am envious of how brave and honest you are.
    Katie recently wrote…Our Trip To The Baltimore Aquarium, Part 1aMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Oh Katie, I’m so sorry, I had no idea. I think you’re very brave, sharing that.
      You will do what you have to as her Mama.
      You’re still young. When you decide to have #2, you will see that it’d be easier if you don’t overthink it. 🙂

  • May 15, 2013 Nina

    I love how real you are. I’m afraid that I’m not as real as I could be on my blog. There’s one for you!
    Nina recently wrote…The Post Listen to Your Mother PostMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      It’s taken me a while to get here!

  • May 15, 2013 Natalie

    I look at my belly button and think it will never ever look the same! Our bodies are just not what they once were before two children. And I know it must be super frustrating to watch your boy struggle and not be sure how to help. You’re doing everything you can…and I’m sure it will work itself out…but I know saying that doesn’t make it any easier.
    Natalie recently wrote…Oh Monday…My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I sure hope so, Natalie.

  • May 15, 2013 Heather

    You are such a brave person for baring yourself like this. I’m sure you know you aren’t alone in your fears. I too have fears for my children and choosing clothes for myself is a battle everyday because of my “pooch.” I’m always worried about my blog. It’s become a roller coaster of excitement and fear of failure. I’m terribly critical of myself and although I tell other bloggers not to, I compare my blog with others. Yours included.

    Now for your pick me up. You are a talented writer and many aspire to be like you. Your son, if he ends up with difficulties, is so lucky to have you in his corner. I’m guessing he will catch up though. Your baby pooch will get better with time and if it doesn’t, just take a look around. It could be worse, I’m sure.

    I hope you have a fantastic day, Alison!
    Heather recently wrote…Testament of Faith; Pebbles and PiggytailsMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Heather, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I’m trying to be positive about my son’s progress, he needs a strong Mama in his corner!

      I still compare my blog to others – I try really hard not to, but hey, we’re only human. 🙂

  • May 15, 2013 Kim

    Love your honesty, Alison. You speak to the person inside all of us that questions and worries.

    I also have days when I am afraid of running out of things to write about. And then, inevitably, a wave of inspiration passes and I try to grab it. There seems to be an ebb and flow to my writing – I have to wait for the wave to come.
    Kim recently wrote…At NightMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Kim, you write about such wonderful topics!
      I used to have waves of inspiration too. These days, not so much. 🙂

  • May 15, 2013 Tamara

    I think I’m with on you at least two of them. I worry about my son. He is a very normal and active baby, but since I had a traumatic birth experience with him I can’t seem to shake the feeling of looking for things that are wrong, even when everything is right. It’s what doctors do with newborns and just six days in a NICU has trained me to be that way. I hope I get over it soon! I’ve made some progress.

    And I really think I’ll want a third baby. I’m not there yet but as the second gets close to 12 months, my heart gets a little heavy hearing about pregnancies and births. I don’t know if I’m ready to be done. I might not be.

    Oh and I often don’t have blogs written out until the last minute on my scheduled days..
    Tamara recently wrote…Eleven Freakin’ Months.My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      You know your children best, Tamara. If you think there is anything off, don’t let anyone talk you out of at least exploring it, then ruling it out. Not saying there’s anything wrong of course!

      I think it’s the reaching of the 1 year mark with the babies that get us into that, “I want another!” mood. Also, looking at their baby photos all the time. 🙂

  • May 16, 2013 Chris Carter

    I love your honesty Allison! Sometimes I worry about running out of material to write about…but something always comes through- and you seem to always have great content- so apparently, this happens to you too! I also know when I am overwhelmed and stressed about IRL things, and that always hinders my creativity! I have a nice growing pouch too. The older I get, the more I am grateful for the body I have- flaws and all!
    Chris Carter recently wrote…brca1 Mutation: Angelina’s DecisionMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Our body wears our stories, right? 🙂

  • May 16, 2013 Colleen

    Hang in there on the first one, mama. I know how you feel. My boy just started asking questions last month. He’ll be 4 in a week. I know this fear of yours so well. The potty training. The foods. I’m so glad he is in speech! Mr. Pants started speech around 3 as well and while he’s still well behind his peers, He is making strides. Deep breathes, mama. You will both find your normal and I am rooting for you both!
    Colleen recently wrote…You Happy, Mama? You Feel the Smiling? My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Thank you, Colleen. It’s good to hear from another Mama in the same trenches. I’m glad to hear Mr Pants is making progress. Yay!

  • May 16, 2013 Susi

    Alison, there are so many things I wish I could write about – but probably never will (unless I start an anonymous blog and who has time for that?). But I’m trying to get over myself and be a little more open and share more in my posts… I have a draft waiting for me and I may work on it some more tonight because I know it’s not finished! I hope, you will get the answers you need when it comes to your son – it’s so hard when you see that there is an “issue” and you don’t know what to do. Good luck and hang in there.
    Susi recently wrote…Finn the Cat {Wordless Wednesday}My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Thank you Susi.
      Believe me when I tell you, I’ve thought about an anonymous blog MANY times. 🙂 I hope you can get those words out!

  • May 16, 2013 Robin

    I wish I was okay with my pooch.

    Other than that, I hear you. Sad about child #3 – that’s tough. Some days I sorta kinda wish we could have another, but I don’t really want to deal with the sleep thing again.

    I’d love to know what you’d write about if you weren’t afraid. What could you possibly write about that we wouldn’t support you on? (Answer: nothing.)

    Hugs to you and your biggest boy.
    Robin recently wrote…Bring on the ElephantsMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Yeah, there are many things I will be happy not to deal with again (like that damn witching hour of 6-8pm for THREE freaking months in the early days). But still, a little sad.

      Oh I know my bloggy friends will be here for me if I write about things I’m afraid to – but I worry that my IRL peeps will be less understanding. And who wants to deal with that shitstorm? (not me)

      Thank you for the hugs!

  • May 16, 2013 Not a Perfect Mom

    because I’m a nosy bitch this way, how you know for certain you’re done if you’re still mourning that un-had baby? Just sayin’ and feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up…you know I’m cool with that…

    And speech…gah, I know it seems like a big deal, but 3/4’s of my kids have had or are in ST, and it’s amazing the results…he’ll speak in time and I bet soon you’ll be begging him to be quiet *for just 5 minutes!*

    Love you babe…
    Not a Perfect Mom recently wrote…Not Even I Can Make Public Urination CoolMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Oh I know I’m done. We’re done. I didn’t really love being pregnant (except for a few good weeks), and I’m nearly 40, but the kids are still SO young right now. Pregnancy #2 was physically hard, and I can’t imagine being pregnant again now, with them so small. And I don’t want to wait til I’m 40 because I want to enjoy the kids, and getting some of my life (and body) back. Totally selfish reasons!

      I can’t wait til I tell my oldest to please give me 5 minutes of “no more questions, buddy!” 🙂

      Love you too. xo

  • May 16, 2013 sarah

    well, you know how I feel about being on the fence with another baby 😉 As for your oldest, oh, my heart goes out to you on that. I know what it’s like to worry that kind of worry for your child. There is one deep wrinkle on my forehead that developed over the course of Leo’s first 4 years of life. So. Much. Anguish. We were able to find some help for him and all his (our) issues (sensory, anxiety, etc.)–but it’s ongoing. Big, BIG hugs friend.
    sarah recently wrote…Because Everything Feels Lighter At PresentMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Oh you must tell me all. He seems so good now! (he is, right?) xo

  • May 16, 2013 Kara

    This is very brave of you. Would have loved to have read this when my son (who is now turning 9) was 3. He had a delay in speech, but when we enrolled him in school, he improved. His improvement was evident yearly until he was 7. Now, he still has little difficulties, but I think those are things he will have to learn to improve on as he gets older.

    As for never getting over not having a third child – I’m there with you 🙂 My husband and I are done, but when I’m alone, I’m afraid I’m not.

    This is very brave of you. Thank you.

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Thank you, Kara.
      I think school has definitely helped, but not as much as we’d hoped, hence the speech therapist. I’m hoping to see a turnaround really soon!

  • May 16, 2013 Ilene

    Oh, I am so glad you divulged the things you are afraid to tell us. Because I can identify with some many of them – and isn’t that what blogging is about? These connections we make? I don’t have the pooch but I have the butt when I eat too much junk (I have it right now actually and don’t mind it as much as I used to when I was younger. Progress???) I also fear I will run out of things to write about. All the time!
    Ilene recently wrote…Use Your WordsMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Oh yeah, progress. And a good booty is attractive! 🙂

  • May 16, 2013 Mamaintheburbs

    First off, from someone the loves your blog and looks forward to reading it– you will never run out of things to say! I love your honesty and raw writing. I have a daughter your son’s age and although she is not going through the same thing, I would b feeling the same way as you! We are dealing with her out of control behavior. She never listens and constantly has to talked to and put in time out. I even brought it up to the Dr thinking she ADD or ADHD. The Dr wanted me to go counseling! I figured I would just bring it up to my therapist. But when I left the pediatrician I felt like a horrible mom. I felt like she was blaming me for her behavior.
    I also want to tell you I understand what it s to want more children. My daughter is adopted. I was unsuccessful with Ivf, having multiple miscarriages. We borrowed $$$ from my family to adopt. I want another child so bad it’s killing me. But I have no choice in the matter. It’s heartbreaking. We don’t have the $$$ to adopt and my family won’t lend us anymore. My husband also doesn’t want another child. We fight about it all the time. Again, it’s not like I have a choice. I hate it! I not know what to do. So I understand what it feels like. I don’t have an answer but want to thank you for letting me ramble here. If only I would get my blog going! It’s been designed since April 1st!

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I’m so sorry you’ve had so much to deal with – infertility is so difficult and heartbreaking, and adoption can be such a challenging process.

      And you’re not a bad mom – some medical professionals just don’t have the necessary bedside manner! Do what you know feels right for your daughter, and your family. Thinking of you!

  • May 16, 2013 Runnermom-jen

    Oh, Alison. I’m afraid to write about a lot of things!! This was a very brave post. You bared your soul!!
    I hope this helps you work through some of this stuff. Blogging IS therapy!!
    Runnermom-jen recently wrote…Birds…My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Thank you, Jen!
      Yes, I do feel better. 🙂

  • May 16, 2013 Leslie

    Oh, Alison. I wish I could give you reassurance about Monkey. Just the fact that you have him in speech therapy shows how much you care and how much you’re doing. No judgment here, just compassion. I definitely know what it’s like to worry about having something to write about. I’ve enjoyed every post you’ve put up. Don’t stress yourself out too much…you’re selling yourself short.
    Leslie recently wrote…{Weigh In Wednesday} Week 19My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      You’re the sweetest, Leslie!

  • May 16, 2013 Alexandra

    Blogging saves my mental health, yo.

    All life decisions are hard, heck, life IS hard. But with all the friendships you’ve cultivated here with your kindness and support, A, it’ll all come back to you, that’s the law of the universe. xo
    Alexandra recently wrote…Happy Mother’s Day To ThemMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Love you. YOU have saved my life, many times. xo

  • May 16, 2013 Sue

    I think it’s ok to be afraid to tell people things. Just not *too* afraid. Because if you’re *too* afraid, then you can’t actually tell people.

    But you told. So you’re not *too* afraid. Just afraid. Like we all are.

    ps – If you ever are near the City of Wind and would care to size up your “pooch” against my “twin skin?” I guarantee you’ll instantly feel a whole heckuvalot better about yourself. 😉
    Sue recently wrote…Love Amongst the FleasMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Twin skin!!! Too funny.

  • May 16, 2013 Kerstin

    You are brave with your writing! Just look at this post.
    Nothing beats honesty in my opinion – it brings us closer together. Not being able to come up with anything to write about is something I struggle with
    I had a phase while I wrote my last book and knew exactly what I was supposed to write about and had a deadline – I would still sit there and not be able to put it into words. I was paralyzed. But I snapped out of it eventually. Oddly enough, my writing has not been the same since then. Sigh.
    Anyway – what I really wanted to write down for you is this quote by C.S. Lewis : “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another ‘What, you too? I thought I was the only one'”.
    I am sure there are lots of people reading this post, thinking that exact thought – you are not alone!
    Kerstin recently wrote…Are we still fighting?My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I love all my bloggy friends – great quote, thank you for sharing!
      You, struggle with what to write? But you wrote a book!! 🙂

  • You are so very brave. I just want to hug you and tell you how much my heart aches for you and your boy. Hugs
    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently wrote…Vexation and revenge (and hoping for flowers…)My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I’ll take the hugs, thank you, my friend!

  • May 16, 2013 Christine Organ

    Honey! I love your honestly and self-awareness. I am totally with you on the fear of running out of things to write about. Well, I’m more afraid that I’ll run out of things that others want to read about. Maybe that’s more accurate for me. In any event, I can relate. I can also relate to the no 3rd child fear. We also made the decision to stop at 2 and I’m comfortable with it most days, but there are days when I wonder if I’ll regret not having more kids. Of course, then the two that I do have will start beating each other with sticks or screaming or whatever and I feel comfortable in our decision again. I also am a little sad that I won’t have a little girl, but that is a whole other can of worms that I could write entire blog posts about. In any event, thank you for your honesty and opening the door to talk about these things.
    Christine Organ recently wrote…Floating on a Current of RestlessnessMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I would love to read your posts about not having a little girl. Because I’m starting to feel the pain of not having one. Thank you for understanding!

  • May 16, 2013 Julia\'s Math

    The ones about our children are the worst because we cannot just fix it. While you might not be able to fix it, I feel,confident you are doing the absolute best for him. I also believe you are his biggest cheerleader, and that counts a lot. Except for a brief hormonally induced week, I have only ever wanted one child. I am sure it is a constant internal struggle.
    Beautiful, brave piece. (As always)
    Julia\’s Math recently wrote…A Few Thoughts On MotherhoodMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      It is constant. It’s also internal most days. Because I worry if I talk to my husband about it again, we might change our minds about #3. 🙂

  • May 17, 2013 Kathy Radigan

    Alison, I admire your honesty and the way you express it so beautifully. As the mom of three kids with learning issues and one with significant needs, I know the pain and fear that can occur when you look at your kid and know something isn’t right. I have found that fear has made me act and find ways to help my kids. I have also found that speech therapy can work miracles.

    I love your acceptance of your body. I find as I get older I am more accepting even though I am working on loosing the weight all the fear and stress of having three kids with issue has helped me put on!! Lol! I also fear that I have nothing else to write. After working on Bonbon Break for a year and not writing I sort of feel like I’ve lost it. It’s nice to know others (especially those whose writing I admire) go through the same thing. Thanks again. I love visiting your site!
    Kathy Radigan recently wrote…When the Whole Wide World is Fast AsleepMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Oh Kathy, you’re such a strong Mama! We ARE the best advocates for them, we are. I must remember that.

      You will get back into the groove of writing!

  • May 17, 2013 Eli

    I think a pooch is a badge of honor most of us parents wear, proudly or not! I think when we bloggers find ourselves running out of ideas, we should shoot another blogger an email and ask for three writing prompts – I’d so do that for you.

    I’m afraid of my kids feeling they somehow didn’t get all the should out of their childhood years.
    Eli recently wrote…Parenthood, in 6 WordsMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Eli, that is such a good idea!
      (I already asked one blogger whether I could borrow her post idea, she said yes. Next week’s post? Sorted!)

      And I’m sure your kids are getting the most of their childhood, you’re a great Dad!

  • May 17, 2013 Arnebya

    Yes, there are a few things. But I’m too afraid to type them.
    Arnebya recently wrote…Chevy Gave Me Back My MojoMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      You are fearless, hon!!

  • May 17, 2013 another jennifer

    I think a big part of why I blog is for its therapeutic nature. When we share the things we’re afraid to tell, we find out how many other people actually relate. You are so not alone!
    another jennifer recently wrote…I’m a Fierce Diva Writing on the Misconception About PhilanthropyMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      It’s good to not be alone!

  • May 17, 2013 Marta

    Winnie the Pouch is just too clever — you cannot possibly stop writing. When I went into a writing hiatus because I couldn’t write about what I wanted to write about (and writing about anything else just felt fake and like fluff even though what I was saying was neither fake nor fluff it just wasn’t the thing pressing against my heart) I wrote and I pressed publish. But I made the posts private. Unless you’re logged in as me you’ll never see them on my blog. But I got the words out and they didn’t just sit in draft taunting me like they did before I realized this concept of publishing privately. Let me tell you how terrified I was the first time I did it that the post would still email, or tweet, or somehow get out. But it didn’t and it doesn’t.

    You’ll find your words, don’t worry. And in the meantime we’re all still going to be here.
    Marta recently wrote…On Dove, Abercrombie and Marriage Equality.My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I’m too scared to press publish and keep it private, I might mess up and actually publish it!
      Thank you for being here. xo

  • May 17, 2013 Lady Jennie

    When you’re brave with your writing like this, people only love you more! I am with you on every one of these things (even if my experience is not the same – I understand a momma’s worry, happily envy being comfortable with your body as it is now … etc)

    But I really love these kinds of posts from you my friend! 🙂

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Thank you so much! xo

  • May 17, 2013 MomWithaDot

    Aah… the third baby! Sigh! (I might still adopt one…….someday!) And on the three year old’s speech, if his hearing is fine, I wouldn’t be worried. One of my friends’ son was slow with speaking too. Once he turned four, there was significant change and by five, he was totally another kid!

    “Winnie the Pooch” – Heh! heh! 😀 You’re the best, Alison!
    MomWithaDot recently wrote…Maatru Devo BhavaMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      His hearing is definitely fine. We are hopeful for his progress!
      And thank you. 🙂

  • May 18, 2013 Crystal

    Hugs to you! You are brave for writing and sharing! 🙂 I wrote a post on secrets the other day. I was really afraid to talk about having OCD on my blog. There is a stigma attached to this very misunderstood disorder, and it took me days to push the “publish” button on my first OCD post. I’m glad I did it. It has helped others realize they’re not alone. And that feels great!
    Crystal recently wrote…Top 25 Foodie Moms – MommiFried Was Nominated!My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Good on you, Crystal! I think many people will be grateful that you did.

  • May 18, 2013 Alexa (katbiggie)

    Clearly with the number of comments you get on each post, you are not EVER allowed to quit writing! Then I would go into a depression! I am sorry you are struggling with your son and his speech. I can only imagine how frustrating that is, for both of you. I wish I had some good advice. I am like you, I am afraid to write on many of the topics I want to write about. There is just so much pinned up inside of me that I want to say, but I cannot. Maybe I need to start an even MORE anonymous blog! I have lots of ideas, just no energy to write!
    I’m glad you shared all of this!
    On another note, I like your new little love media button!
    Alexa (katbiggie) recently wrote…Mother’s Day VideoMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I have thought about an anonymous blog MANY times!
      And thank you, for your sweet words.
      (You noticed my new LLM button! My husband redesigned my site!)

  • May 18, 2013 Christine

    You know, I love that you share these here. I have many of the same ones, especially the one about running out of things to write about. I’ve been in that spot for a while now and just come up blank a lot of the time. I too wish that I were braver in my writing but I know that there would be consequences to airing some things on the blog that I’m not prepared to accept. I will forever have a belly pooch because while I am willing to workout, I’m not willing to clean up my diet enough to make it go away. And hang in there with Monkey.
    Christine recently wrote…Fitness Magazine Blogger Meet and Tweet 2013My Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Dude, you don’t have a pooch, stop it!
      I, too know that if I wrote about the things I am really afraid to write about, I will have IRL people to deal with. And I don’t want to.

  • May 18, 2013 greta

    I’ll always have a pooch too. The bottom half of my belly will always hang over. Sigh. I truly believe your son will catch up. He can understand you, though, right? So you can tell him why he should eat fruit (or whatever), even if he doesn’t answer. I feel the same way about writing. But I think our kids will always give us something to write about, worst case. 🙂
    greta recently wrote…The Beauty of Journaling #giveawayMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      I am not sure if he understands me, because he doesn’t tell me? The main thing is to get him to try something, because once he does and he likes it, then we’re good. 🙂

  • May 18, 2013 Kimberly

    My little one (who is now about to be 14) was similar to your sweet boy. While he did speak, he had so many articulation issues that we couldn’t understand a word he said. One day, he even yelled at us (he was 4 at the time), “Woo don speeet wy wandwade!” (You don’t speak my language). He was right. We didn’t.

    He was in speech therapy for YEARS. He is still hard to understand sometimes, but those speech therapists can do amazing things. I do know that these things take time. But it is frustrating when progress isn’t made.

    Hugs to you….thank you for sharing this with us.
    Kimberly recently wrote…Minted GiveawayMy Profile

    • May 18, 2013 Alison

      Thanks for sharing your story, Kimberly, and I’m glad to know there’s been progress.
      I know I’m just impatient with his progress, I know it’d happen, it just needs time.

  • May 19, 2013 anymommy

    Many, many things. Even though I have learned over and over that it helps to write them out. It’s so hard to see your child struggle for any reason. And, I have the same fear about not writing. It’s harder for me every month.
    anymommy recently wrote…Try to earn what lovers ownMy Profile

    • May 19, 2013 Alison

      You are one of my writing inspirations, Stacey. I hope you never stop, even when it gets harder. xo

  • May 19, 2013 tammigirl

    Never say never. If there is room in your heart the rest will work itself out, pinky swear.

    I notice the kids who aren’t as wordy are usually well beyond their years in other places. Musical and artistic children seem to not want to bother with us as much, maybe because they have so much already taking place they don’t have time for trivial things most toddlers like to talk about incessantly.

    I had a three year old who was behind in potty training. While I felt like a parental failure at the time, she got it in her own time, did not wear diapers to school, and now, at 26, I am happy to report has not (as of this writing) regressed into her previous state. As adults we are all so different, and operate at different proficiency states, it is almost impossible to tell the things our parents thought of at night when they couldn’t sleep.
    tammigirl recently wrote…The Arcade: No PenniesMy Profile

    • May 19, 2013 Alison

      Thank you for your perspective! I know that he won’t be wearing diapers forever (thank goodness). It’s just one more thing in the plethora of things, y’know? I know we will get there eventually.

  • May 19, 2013 Kamila

    Here’s what I think…
    1. I actually have no experience with babies or kids so I can’t give you my advice or thoughts about this but I think you shouldn’t stress too much or put too much pressure on him. Additional pressure may only make him stressed too and therefore make it harder for him to learn. Every child is different and he will catch up eventually. Don’t stress too much. What is meant to happen, will happen. He’s in speech therapy and that’s as much as you CAN do. Breathe.
    2. I think as long as you are healthy and you like your body and you are HAPPY – who cares if you have a pooch? I have one too. And I don’t even have it from a baby, I just have one. I’ve been thinner before but I wasn’t happy. I think the most important thing is to be comfortable and to LIKE who we are. That’s the most important thing! 🙂
    3. You will NOT run out of things to write about. Every writer hits roadblocks. I thought that before too a few months into starting my blog and took a break. I think it’s totally find to take breaks from blogging to regenerate! And eventually you will be even braver with writing. Just writing this post is a good step toward that direction.
    4. Again, can’t relate to the child-thing but if you are MEANT to have that third child.. it will happen anyway 😉

    Kamila recently wrote…This is the most personal post I have ever writtenMy Profile

    • May 19, 2013 Alison

      Thanks, Kamila, for weighing in!
      I definitely don’t want to stress about the boy. It’s hard though, watching him struggle, and wondering if he’ll ever find it easier. As a mother, it’s a balance of letting go, and intervening when necessary. All I can do, is hope I’m doing the balancing act well.

  • May 19, 2013 Travel Geek

    Your writing are inspiring. I love this one particularly. It takes courage to share our fears to others, what more to strangers. Respect !! and keep writing, I am sure you will keep getting great ideas. xoxo.

    • May 19, 2013 Alison

      Thank you for your encouraging words!

  • May 19, 2013 tracy

    I think we all need to embrace our pooch..or let me embrace yours. Or something like that. I love you. Also, I have nothing to write about. xo
    tracy recently wrote…QuietMy Profile

    • May 19, 2013 Alison

      You can embrace anything you like. There’s plenty to go around.
      Miss you. Love you. xoxo

  • May 19, 2013 GoodLooknOut

    At least you’re doing what you can now for your son to give him the best start ever. He & you CAN get through this by just keeping him engaged! He may just be a quiet soul and it may just be who he is. The meek are often inherit the MOST!

    {Matthew 5:5 ~~ “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”}

    We’re stopping at two kids too and it was my choice… I can’t do another pregnancy. Too much….

    This is a great post. I’m new to your site but it really helps me connect with you!
    GoodLooknOut recently wrote…First & Last Meal Plan UpdateMy Profile

    • May 20, 2013 Alison

      I feel the same way about pregnancy – as much as I wouldn’t mind another baby, the thought of carrying one again, at my age with two young kids to look after? No, just can’t do it.

      Thank you for stopping by Marie!

      • May 20, 2013 GoodLooknOut

        RIGHT?!?!?!? When I hear ppl tell me how they can’t wait to have another one I have to give them the scooby doo face like “WHAT?!?!? After all these years?” THat is a complete NO MA’AM for me! #justcantdoit
        GoodLooknOut recently wrote…First & Last Meal Plan UpdateMy Profile

  • May 20, 2013 TOI

    your son will be fine, I believe he is going to be very creative having a wonderful mother as you. I have the pooch and AOI turned 18months yesterday. You are such a wonderful writer and I believe you will always find the way out from your writer’s block.

    there are so many things I fear to write about on my blog. I am slowly coming out of that fear.

    One thing I don’t write very much about is how I dread the moment my daughter will ask me why she has a limb difference or she will come home crying because someone said something mean about her hand or when she is a teenager and my words might not be enough to comfort her and reassure her that she is so beautiful and clever and not having two hands is not the end of the world.

    a big hug
    TOI recently wrote…Favourite BlogsMy Profile

    • May 20, 2013 Alison

      I understand your fear. But you’ll come into your own, when you feel comfortable with telling your daughter what her limb difference means to her, and society. Hugs.

  • May 20, 2013 Katie

    Winnie the Pooch! he lives at my body too! Woot! And while I have plenty I want to lose (to be more healthy), I have no desire for washboard abs. none. I sort of like that pooch. My mom has one too and she is tiny. It’s because our bodies were once shared. I like that badge of honor.

    Seriously though…yes. I do have things I am afraid to say on my blog. People say I am so brave…I do not feel brave in the least because only I know what I HAVEN’T shared.
    Katie recently wrote…Project 365 {week 20}My Profile

    • May 20, 2013 Alison

      It is a badge of honor! Which is why I’m sort of ok with it. I mean, if I lose it, ok. If I don’t, that’s ok too.

      But dude, what you HAVE shared, you are brave. xo

  • May 20, 2013 Emily

    Thank you for sharing! I share a few of your fears.

    • May 20, 2013 Alison

      Thanks for reading, Emily!

  • May 20, 2013 Katie E

    Oh, Alison, I definitely feel for you regarding your awesome boy’s development. I worry about mine all the time. And another struggle is that I’m not sure my husband and I are totally on the same page about it. I truly believe time will make all the difference, but it’s hard to just let the time pass and worry that I’m not doing enough for him.And running out of ideas for blog posts – ugh. I know that one too. It was so much easier when I started. There’s a lot that I could (and maybe would like to) write about that’s just way too personal and too revealing to put out there – especially since people know exactly who I am on my blog. And sometimes those are the only things on my mind.
    Katie E recently wrote…Haircuts and Growing Girls and Milkshakes #iPPPMy Profile

    • May 20, 2013 Alison

      For a while, my husband and I weren’t on the same page either. He was on the side of waiting it out, while I, agreeing to do so, only if we had a threshold of how long we wait. We agreed that if by a certain time, there was no improvement naturally, then we definitely need help, and intervention. Maybe that’s what you and your husband need to discuss – meet in the middle, somewhere. Thinking of you!

      As to writing and blogging – it’s tough, isn’t it? I really want to write about so much more, but I just don’t want to deal with the outcome IRL.

  • May 20, 2013 jasbeeray

    I feel you and also struggling with so much “I can’t tell you!”

    • May 21, 2013 Alison

      Such is the nature of blogging, isn’t it?

  • May 21, 2013 Elaine A.

    I had a pooch BEFORE kids, it’s never going away. Oh well. 😉

    As for #1, I am thinking that you are just in the thick of it right now and it’s hurting you to see him (and even you) struggle. But I have every faith that he will get there and you will look back and wonder why you ever worried. xo

    And for #3, I never worried about that before but now I am starting to as my kids get older. But that should make for even more blog fodder, right!??!?
    Elaine A. recently wrote…Feeling Better in my Bathing Suit & Weekend Fun!My Profile

    • May 21, 2013 Alison

      You’ve been blogging for so long and still haven’t run out of things to say, so I doubt you’ll have to worry. 🙂

  • May 21, 2013 Melanie

    I’m so there with the pooch. At times I think I should eat better and exercise more but then I get busy playing with my boys and stop caring about my body. I’ve enjoyed the changes motherhood has made to my body.
    Melanie recently wrote…One of those days . . .My Profile

    • May 21, 2013 Alison

      All the stretch marks, pooches and changes to hair (just me?) – are badges of honor. I wear them proudly. Well, most of the time. 🙂

  • May 21, 2013 Julia

    Such big hugs. Blogging IS therapy!!
    I will always have a baby pooch, too, though I’m not as comfortable with mine as you are with yours.

    I have become terrible at blogging because I rarely have anything to say and am not brave enough to say what I would like to.

    The whole another baby thing is ALWAYS in my mind. That’s one of those things that I NEED to write about but haven’t found the words.

    Love these confessionals. It’s comforting to know that someone out there feels the same way about things I do. xoxo
    Julia recently wrote…Mini Makeover: Yellow Front DoorMy Profile

    • May 21, 2013 Alison

      Julia, write about the second baby. Whichever way you choose to go, write about it. You don’t have to publish it, but it may just be what you need to do. xoxo

  • May 22, 2013 keely

    Oy. I’m afraid that my “looks” peaked about ten years ago- when I took awful care of myself and thought I looked crappy, anyhow- and that from here on out it’ll be a mad scramble to hold on to whatever “this” is. (She says while wearing food-covered jorts.)
    keely recently wrote…Netflix; or Kids, Let’s Make It A Movie Day.My Profile

    • May 22, 2013 Alison

      For what it’s worth, I think you’re quite beautiful.

  • May 29, 2013 Jessica

    I worry that sometimes I’ll run out of things to write about. It’s happened at times for my own blog but then inspiration hits and the ideas come again.
    Jessica recently wrote…Essence of Now: Silver LiningsMy Profile

    • May 29, 2013 Alison

      You are always full of good ideas, Jess.

I Write This Blog

Alison Profile PictureI'm Alison. Writer, a mother of four (two boys and boy/ girl twins), social media enthusiast and book lover. A believer in the power of chocolate and hugs. Chugging coffee as I type. Want to know more?

The Books I’m In (Buy Now!)

I Am On Google+

Oldies But Goodies