Three weeks, since he came and we became Four.
He adds to the bright light that is our life.
My initial holding-it-togetherness has been fraying slowly over the past week.
My home has become a battleground between Getting Sleep, Toddler Acting Out-ness, Baby Needs and My Sanity.
There has been tears, laughs, an air of resignedness, a pinch of hope and a smidgen of hilarity.
This, my Joy, has now become my Heartache.
My understanding of Twoness is limited. I know not how his heart and mind works anymore.
His love for his brother, evident. Yet, in his acting-outness, his hand which moments ago was gently stroking a baby hand, is now heading for the baby’s head.
His usual exuberance and cheerfulness, seemingly amplified to become noise, shouting, foot stomping, hands too quick to hit.
The tender moments are there, but lost in the sea of my quick-to-anger-sleep-deprived-brain.
My Mother Guilt swallows me whole in the quiet of the night, when the two pieces of my heart are sleeping in their beds.
There is the darkness, when my being wants to huddle in a small space and stay there.
Is this when people start to lose their minds, my 5.00 am brain wonders?
Then 7.00 am rolls along and this:
There is light.