I joke frequently about how I ‘rock this motherhood gig, yo’.
In truth, I, like many mothers out there, am frequently plagued by doubt.
The questions I ask myself often are:
Am I doing the best by my child?
Is it okay that I let him eat French fries for lunch once a week?
Am I harming him long-term by allowing him to play games on the iPad?
Is he spoiled because he will never want for anything?
Will we do him justice by our choice of lifestyle and future schools?
Am I insane to have another child when some days, I feel like I can barely cope with one?
What am I doing?
Am I going to screw my children up?
I’m not writing this to get reassurances that yes, I am a good mom, I am not screwing him up, I can definitely handle two kids, I will be alright.
Deep down, I know I am the best mother I can be right now, while learning to be even more attuned to my kids’ needs, the boys will grow up normal and secure, and I will not go insane from parenting two children.
Some nights, I go to bed in tears, thinking my boy will hate me because he went to bed crying, because Mama yelled at him for his bedtime delaying tactics.
Some days, I sit here writing this blog, telling happy stories of the times my son and I have, while feeling guilty that we don’t have enough of those times.
Sometimes, I dream that I’ve left my toddler by himself in a busy airport lounge while I went to the bathroom, and lost him when I emerged (yes, I’ve really had that dream, or rather, nightmare).
Guilt, guilt, guilt.
In 5 weeks, we will be a family of four, I will be a mother of two, my son will be a big brother to one.
I cannot afford to sit around wallowing, feeling sorry for myself , being hammered by senseless guilt, and doubting that I will do a good job.
So this is my pledge, to myself, to my boys.
Who’s with me?
In other news, my awesome friend and sister by another mister, Kimberly of Mama’s Monologues has a HUGE announcement today – she’s launching her new design business, and yes, she designs blogs too. Go check her out!