Last year, I had an ingenious idea to start writing letters on behalf of my son to various members of the family who were living far away, as a way to keep them updated.
Let’s just say there weren’t many letters.
This is one written to my sister’s then-fiance/ now husband. He is a seaman, and was somewhere on the vast ocean, when Monkey turned one. He wrote an email addressed to Monkey, so a reply was sent accordingly. It’s only polite after all.
December 30, 2010
Dear Uncle G (Mama insists I refer to you as ‘Uncle’ – she says it’s a sign of ‘res-peck’?),
Thank you for your birthday wishes. I am now ONE! Mama tells me that’s supposed to be exciting. But I hear TWO is better because then, I am allowed to be ‘terrible’. I’m not sure what that means, but it sure sounds fun! Especially when Mama says it with a look on her face that means it’s probably not fun for her. I discovered early that what’s fun for me (when I was small, I used to try pee on Mama all the time, it was fun), is usually the opposite for her. Being a child, and a boy child at that, I think I’m supposed to do the opposite of what Mama tells me.
Your ‘thermos flask’ pressie (Mama tells me old people keep their coffee in it, so I don’t know what it is) sounds um, exciting (Mama told me to say that, it’s ‘puh-lite’). [Note: Uncle G said in his email he was planning to give Monkey a thermos flask as a present] Mama and Papa didn’t give me any pressies yesterday. Apparently it’s because I get pressies all the time anyway. Papa says making birthdays a big deal gives children a misguided sense of entitlement. It’s a lot of big words, I don’t really understand it. Mama did try to give me something called a cupcake. I nearly threw up when I saw it. It was brown and smelt funny. She then tried to make me touch it. I gagged again. And worse, she actually tried to make me eat it! It looked like poo so I refused. I attached a picture of me giving the ‘cupcake’ the evil eye.
So I don’t know if I will like chocolates. [Note: Uncle G said he was going to get me chocolates] When I asked Mama what it was, she looked very happy. Mama is addicted to chocolates. She told me she ate loads when I was still a fetus. But if it looks anything like that ‘cupcake’, I’m not sure I will like it. Mama said to tell you that dark chocolate is best. And that I’m supposed to tell you I like it, so you don’t think shes trying to wrangle something for herself. Greedy Mama!
I have EIGHT teeth! I like to use them to bite Mama. I like making marks with them and Mama’s skin is perfect for it. She doesn’t seem to like it much though. Which proves that my earlier theory is correct. I don’t know why she makes such a fuss. It’s just little nips here and there. She likes to show people the ‘brooses’ on her arms and legs, supposedly caused by my biting. But Auntie S [Note: Monkey’s aunt, my sister, Uncle G’s fiancee] pointed out that they are ‘love bites’. And I love my Mama. And Auntie S. I’m not sure I’ll love you Uncle G, as I’ve not met you. So I hope you will be nice and entertaining! And please don’t laugh loudly, it scares me and if you do, I will NEVER like you. I don’t know what ‘bald’ looks like as I have lots of hair, even when I was brand new. ]Note: Uncle G is bald]
I asked Mama about cricket and she told me it’s an insect. So I don’t know why people wear pants while playing with insects. I prefer not to wear pants sometimes. It’s so hot here! But Mama tells me it’s ‘civilized’. [Note: Uncle G loves watching cricket]
Today, I am 1 year, 1 day. It doesn’t feel different though. But by the time you come visit me, Mama tells me I’ll be a big boy then as I’ll be able to walk and run! Yay! (I can actually walk secretly, I just like Mama to carry me around).
Say hello to the fishes Mama says. And Mama says hello too.
And that’s it folks! My last post for the year. Have yourself a fabulous New Year, and see you back here on January 2!! (or 3rd, or 4th, you know, whenever you choose to come back to real life)