A Baking Disaster

posted in: Baking, Humor 0 comments

I am co-hosting a fun link up, Memories Captured, with Galit Breen of These Little Waves this week, from December 5-9. Link up and you have a chance to win a 16 x 20 Canvas Press photo print! Link up here now!

I may have deluded you into thinking I can actually bake. I wrote a guest post at Kiddothings about how to avoid baking disasters. I have a page dedicated to baking and cooking. I deluded myself into thinking I could bake.

Last week, I thudded down into reality and landed on my backside. I was raring to go, really wanting to bake cookies, spurred on by the ongoing #cookieswap organized by Katie of Practical Parenting. I can’t play because of the pesky fact that I’m in Malaysia, but I wanted to show everyone what they were missing out on. My wonderful cookies.

I should have stuck to my ever reliable oatmeal raisin cookies. Except I didn’t have any oatmeal or raisins.

Or I could have made chocolate chip cookies, easy. Except I didn’t have any chocolate chips.

So I decided to to make coffee cookies, which I’ve made before, once. I remember they were delicious. How hard could it be? The recipe which I glanced briefly at in the morning looked straightforward.

That was my first mistake, and I broke my first rule. That of reading the recipe properly.

The other was that I didn’t really follow the directions. Or have all the ingredients.

Meh, I’ll substitute.

It was like a comedy of errors.

Instead of golden syrup (which is like treacle) which I didn’t have, I decided to use organic molasses. Google said that I could substitute it with golden molasses. Mine didn’t look golden, but it was molasses. Ahem.

Instead of brown sugar, I used cane sugar. Because, guess what, I didn’t have brown sugar. At this point, you’d think I’d stop and look for another recipe, right? No. I plowed on.

The recipe said, mix a tablespoon of baking powder with a a few spoonfuls of room temperature coffee. What did I do? I poured the whole tablespoon into an entire hot cup of coffee. What? I was distracted by the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

The method described mixing the flour, sugar and salt, with the butter and it should resemble bread crumbs. Mine did not. It looked like cake batter. Oh, and I forgot to add the sugar, until I’d mixed the flour and salt with the butter. Did this deter me? No.

Then I got to the part where it said after mixing everything, put the mixture aside and leave overnight.

Overnight?? But I want cookies NOW. And,  I already have the oven on and preheated!

So I persisted.

Although I had a pretty bad feeling when the dough looked remarkably like poop. I did not take pictures as I was a little mortified (at this point, I was going to insert a picture I was going to get from Google images. Please, take my advice – do not Google ‘poop’).

Anyway, I dropped big tablespoons of dough onto two greased cookie trays and popped them into the oven.

8 minutes into the 12 minutes of baking time, I looked into the oven.

My ‘cookies’ had merged into one big tray of baked poop.

I turned off the oven, scraped the half-baked shit into the bin, poured the rest of the dough out and took the whole disaster out into the refuse area of my apartment building, so I wouldn’t have my failure staring right back at me.

I then washed up quickly before my husband came home, so he couldn’t witness my complete humiliation.

Next time, I’ll just stick to baking these.

Tell me I’m not the only one with baking disasters. How did you screw up in the kitchen?

Alison

Alison

Alison

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  • December 7, 2011 Runnermom-jen

    Oh, Alison! Sorry you didn’t get your cookies! I hate when I run out of ingredients but I “want the cookies NOW!” 😉
    I’ve had baking disasters before too…too many to list.
    Runnermom-jen recently wrote…Memories CapturedMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Thanks Jen – I consoled myself by baking something else the next day and they were awesome! (recipe next week!)

  • December 7, 2011 My Inner Chick

    –My ‘cookies’ had merged into one big tray of baked poop.–

    OMG, Are you sure this post isn’t about me?!

    hAAAAAA.

    Those muffings look Groovy 🙂

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Hahaha!!! We’ve all had the trays of poop disaster, haven’t we?

  • December 7, 2011 JamieAnne

    Heh! Been there! I made a pangea sized Jalapeño sugar cookie once. It was awful. I posted about it.
    Mistakes happen.
    JamieAnne recently wrote…The Holidays, through my pinterest board.My Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      MANY mistakes, in my case 🙂

  • December 7, 2011 Julie

    I love that you posted this. I screw up in the kitchen from time to time and keep meaning to do a post about it to encourage novice cooks to keep at it.

    I remember telling Rach about how I exploded a blender full of hot soup all over the place the other day. I’ve also burnt onions during the saute and had to start all over.

    We don’t get good by starting out perfect, that’s for sure. 🙂
    Julie recently wrote…Monday Meals: Fudge Drop CookiesMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      We certainly don’t! Even when we’ve been baking for over 20 years, like I have 🙂 Yes, do write that post, Julie!

  • December 7, 2011 Leigh Ann

    Done it! Not with the recipe (which sounds delicious), but TWICE I have tried to sub baking soda for baking powder and come out with a nasty smelling and even worse tasting product. Yuck.
    Leigh Ann recently wrote…Easy Christmas yarn trees with button ornamentsMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      See, they should not name them so similarly!

  • December 7, 2011 Sarah

    Oh man… I did that once… with a coffe bundt cake recipe. It was HORRIBLE. It LOOKED gorgeous but it tasted like ass. Literally. Ok, maybe an ass dipped in coffee. The DOG wouldn’t even eat it.
    It happens to us all!
    Sarah recently wrote…The Most Beautiful HeartMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Hahaha!! You know it’s a complete failure when even the dog refuses it. (maybe we should stick with DRINKING the damn coffee)

  • December 7, 2011 Stasha

    You cannot post your perfect cupcake next to a baking disaster story!! Not fair 🙂 Also judging by this and comments anything coffee brings bad luck…
    Stasha recently wrote…Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Yes, next time, we should just drink the coffee!

  • December 7, 2011 Ann

    Oh Alison – your cookies, while not to be consumed made for a GREAT post! I once made a casserole (by the seat of my pants) and it was SO bad that it STUCK to the pan and when I did pry some out, the finish came with it…I had to throw away the pan, too!

    When Honey Bunny came home and saw a hot pan sticking out of the trash (the stuff hadn’t moved an inch…it was STUCK), he turned to me and said, “Baby, I want to take you to dinner!”. ….I love smart men!
    Ann recently wrote…Roasted Garlic Mashed PotatoesMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Aw, what a sweet man he is!! And I honestly can’t believe YOU screwed up in the kitchen!

  • December 7, 2011 Kimberly

    I made chocolate chip cookies once and forget to add the flour. When I took them out of the oven I couldn’t figure out why they looked so flat.
    Kimberly recently wrote…Don’t Ever ForgetMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Hahahaha!!! Oops. I believe I may have done something similar once.

  • December 7, 2011 Jessica

    Thank you for not sharing a picture of the baked poop. My baking disaster today was that the dog ate the cookies off the counter after I baked them. Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow…
    Jessica recently wrote…How To Make Your Writing Area Bigger In WordPressMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Greedy dog!!! But at least it meant your cookies worked out, right?

  • December 7, 2011 mamawearpapashirt

    When life throws some crap at you, bake it! 😛 Nice one, Alison, at least we got a new life philosophy out of your story!
    mamawearpapashirt recently wrote…She talks, he fartsMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Haha! Yes, drink the coffee, not bake it. And follow directions!

  • December 7, 2011 Kiddothings

    Now why didn’t you practise what you preached? 😉 I think it might have something to do with you being pregnant. Things like that can happen when your hormones are messed up.
    Kiddothings recently wrote…Picnesday – Remembering NoelMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      I don’t know, I was just desperate to bake SOMETHING. 🙂

  • December 7, 2011 Barbara

    Oh if I could count the number of times I have screwed up a recipe! For me it’s the simple things like whipping cream – who knew there were so many different kinds and that some of them don’t actually turn into whipped cream?
    Barbara recently wrote…To snip or not to snipMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      See, these things shouldn’t be so complicated!

  • December 7, 2011 tracy

    LOL I am so sorry. My mom is one huge baking disaster…I used to feel sorry for her but now I just laugh at her. Don’t tell her I said that.
    tracy recently wrote…What I Wore Wednesday and maurices $50 Gift Card giveaway..My Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Haha!! I promise, your secret is safe with me.

  • December 7, 2011 Lola

    As a general rule I don’t bake. It’s not that I can’t, but can you picture me sitting in front of the t.v. with an entire chocolate cake and a fork? Yeah. It always ends that way…me with a mouthful of chocolate, crumbs down my pajama top, crying the ugly cry, rocking back and forth in the fetal position as I watch some sappy Lifetime movie. And an empty bottle of wine may or may not be involved. Ahem.
    Lola recently wrote…Lola Gets The Holiday SpiritMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Hah! I usually give my baked goods away. It prevents ass enlargement.

  • December 7, 2011 therobotmommy

    This sounds like my Friday the 13th cupcakes. Having a baking moment like this just means the next time you bake it’ll come out like Martha Stewart. It’s baking karma 😉
    therobotmommy recently wrote…dragging my sorry a$$ back to the doc.My Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      It’s like you can see my future post already!! I did bake again after that and it tasted heavenly.

  • December 7, 2011 Charlotte

    You’re definitely not the only one! I tend to do the “well, I just ran out of that, but this should work instead” method. Many recipes completely wasted that way 🙁
    Charlotte recently wrote…memories captured: a first glimpseMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      I kept thinking – “Oh I just wasted an entire gorgeous stick of butter!”

  • December 7, 2011 Jessica

    This made me laugh! And, I’ll trust you and not google poop. I must admit that I’ve had many, many, many baking disasters, usually the result of me not really reading the directions or me not having the right ingredients. And while this method works with some foods, I think, with baked goods especially, you really have to be strict in doing things in order and as recommended by the recipe.
    Jessica recently wrote…Memories CapturedMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Yes, you pretty much have to stick to the directions. Substitutions only take you so far!

  • December 7, 2011 Jaime

    When I was pregnant my silly over-hormoned brain couldn’t do math. No matter how many times I tried to halve a Spritz recipe, I kept putting in all the butter. The cookies were just melting into blobs. My husband thought it was hilarious. I was in tears. It’s still one of his favorte stories to tell people.
    Jaime recently wrote…The Polar ExpressMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      This is why I don’t bake when my husband is home!!

  • December 7, 2011 KLZ

    I have never understood why the ingredients need to be mixed in a certain order. I suppose that should indicate my level of baking expertise.
    KLZ recently wrote…Antler Up! #iPPPMy Profile

    • December 7, 2011 Alison

      Sometimes, it doesn’t matter. Clearly, other times, it does, or you get poop.

  • December 7, 2011 Andrea

    I’m disappointed in no pictures. I see stinky poop on a daily basis, I might as well see some that might taste good…LOL
    I have regular baking/cooking disasters. My hubby is the good cook, but because of work timing, I’m the cook. Not always a good situation!
    Andrea recently wrote…The Santa PictureMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      I couldn’t stomach looking at the poop pictures to pick one! I wish my husband was a good cook. He can make a mean French toast, but that’s it!

  • December 7, 2011 julie gardner

    True confession:

    I wouldn’t know the difference in appearance between cookie dough and cake batter.

    So you had me beat before you stepped near the oven.

    (My husband bakes our Christmas cookies. For reals.)
    julie gardner recently wrote…Today call me rhymeyMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      Your husband rocks.

  • December 7, 2011 Myinnercheerleader

    I have a real problem following a recipe. I start out okay and always end up giving it my own twist mostly out of laziness. It has a 50/50 chance of working out.

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      50/50 are pretty good odds when you don’t follow the recipe 😉

  • December 8, 2011 KalleyC

    Yup, I can relate to this. I’ve had more disasters than I can count. My problem is, I don’t know when to quit. I’ll try again the next time, and then the next time. I try to convince myself that if I do it often enough (bake x item –not screw up), that I’ll get better.

    Sometimes, it’s better to know when fold the cookies.
    KalleyC recently wrote…Are We Really A Society That Hates Children?My Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      I usually have more successes than failures – because I bake the stuff I KNOW will work out. It’s usually when I try something new that the odds are 50/50 that I’ll screw it up!

      • December 8, 2011 KalleyC

        Same here, but I sometimes end up screwing up on something that I’ve never tired before. Other cases, its the first attempt that comes out perfect, it’s the second attempt that’s less than wonderful.
        KalleyC recently wrote…Are We Really A Society That Hates Children?My Profile

  • December 8, 2011 Shell

    The cupcakes look amazing, though!
    Shell recently wrote…Pour Your Heart Out: When Doing All I Can Doesn’t HelpMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      They are my winning cupcakes 😉

  • December 8, 2011 Natalie

    Awww you poor thing! All you wanted was a cookie 🙁
    Natalie recently wrote…It’s Cool to be 13 Months…My Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      I know! And all I ended up with was poop.

  • December 8, 2011 Mama and the City

    Ha! because I am not with the baking urge in the house, I stick pretty much to the recipe when I need to. Hubs, on the other hand, let’s just say he has made a big ass hard cake instead of a chewy dozen cookies. Yeah. And he is proud of it. I remind him, “stick to the recipe hon, we don’t want another big ass HARD cake for pancakes”.

    I love his effort though.
    Mama and the City recently wrote…A mom’s letter to Santa.My Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      Haha!! Big ass hard cake. Too funny.

  • December 8, 2011 Coffee Lovin Mom

    Distracted by the smell of freshly brewed coffee? You should never get in the way of a momma and her cookies..ingredients or no ingredients
    Coffee Lovin Mom recently wrote…Memories CapturedMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      I know!!

  • December 8, 2011 Mama, Hear Me Roar

    I absolutely know the part when the cookies merge together AND the part “I want cookies NOW”! It takes me 3 attempts on average to get a baking recipe right *groan*
    Mama, Hear Me Roar recently wrote…Let me BeMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      I’m usually pretty lucky with baking, but on the occasion I screw up, I REALLY screw up.

  • December 8, 2011 The Mommy Therapy

    Oh no! Coffee cookies sound really good, but not so much after they merged into baked poop. 🙂

    I once tried to make a Greek lemon soup. The recipe called for an egg in the soup, which I added in my own way….creating scrambled eggs in lemon water. It was not good. Not good at all.

    Those lemon cupcakes look amazing though!
    The Mommy Therapy recently wrote…So You Really Want A Baby?My Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      Hahaha that’s too funny!

  • December 8, 2011 Liz

    Hi Alison! Thanks for commenting on my guest post at Scary Mommy! My worst baking disaster? I used vegetable oil instead of butter when I was making blondies. Uh. Uh.
    Liz recently wrote…Pinterest Christmas Wish ListMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      Oh oops!!

  • December 8, 2011 Kyla

    I have put in a cup of salt instead of sugar before. Sigh. Will never do that again.

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      YUM…. not 🙂

  • December 8, 2011 NINJA (bitch), CEO

    You ever notice how at the high end restaurants they have a very limited menu? Choice of 3 apps, 5 entries and 3 desserts – THAT’s IT. It’s because they ONLY make what they’re good at.

    I tell everyone I’m a gourmet cook. 🙂 LOL! I have a short menu, and I stick to it. No one else makes anything remotely close to what’s on my menu, so when I show up with something for potluck, or at a dinner party, you’ve never had it, and you will DREAM about it days after you’ve eaten it. YOUR lemon cupcakes look like YOUR thing, and I’ll be dreaming of them for days! Just tell everyone you’re a gourmet! 🙂
    NINJA (bitch), CEO recently wrote…Weekly Inspirations: AKA OMG, WTF’s, Cry-your-eyes-out, eat-your-heart-out or Whatev’s…December 4th, 2011My Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      Haha! Good strategy 🙂

  • December 8, 2011 Missy

    This story is hilarious! Or I just like to hear anyone besides my children say the word poop. 🙂

    And, am I begging the question by asking why you didn’t go to the store to get your needed ingredients?

    Finally, I’ve had baking disasters. Just last month with a cake that didn’t rise and it was for an EVENT! Oops. Had to go to the store and punt with some crappy (poopy?) alternative.
    Missy recently wrote…Ask Literal Mom – Elf on the ShelfMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      I was too lazy to drive to the store, I just wanted cookies!

  • December 8, 2011 Emmy

    Doh! And thanks for the google heads up. Yea, I once decided I would be all cool and make cupcakes from scratch. The recipe called for quick rising flour or something like that- but flour is flour right? Um no. Ended up with little brickcakes. And I Litterally just got done making fudge- actually I just got done cleaning carmalized milk off the stove from the pot boiling over.
    So no- never have baking problems 🙂
    Emmy recently wrote…Memories CapturedMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      Haha!! Happens to the best of us 🙂

  • December 8, 2011 Roxanne

    I’m useless in the kitchen. I melted a plate in the microwave making bacon because I heard someone say you could do it that way. And I made cupcakes a few years ago that tasted disgusting. Still don’t know where I went wrong there.

    But I do love to eat. That lemon cupcake looks like it’s calling my name.
    Roxanne recently wrote…Super T: Age 5My Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      Ah, microwaves!! The lemon cupcakes? Are delicious.

  • December 8, 2011 Elena

    You are sooooo not the only one with baking disasters! Charlie always says to me “stick to the top of the oven, not the inside” because I can cook well, I just can’t bake. I have stories among stories…. 😉
    Elena recently wrote…Hairstyle Tutorial: Curls on the GoMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      Oh do share some of those stories!

  • December 8, 2011 Leslie

    Oh, baking disasters….how many I have had! I’ve put up more than one post on my kitchen fails…the most recent being the complete and utter disaster I had trying make blondies from scratch…with candy corn inside. Twice. Yep, I’m a double fail. Thanks for sharing your experience…and those cupcakes look amazing!
    Leslie recently wrote…{Real Parties} A Christmas Tea PartyMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      That is REAL ambitious!

  • December 8, 2011 Galit Breen

    Hee! No, you’re *definitely* not the only one!

    {Those lemon cupcakes? Look absolutely divine!}
    Galit Breen recently wrote…Christmas Trees in Our Jewish HomeMy Profile

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      That’s good to know!

      {And they were!}

  • December 8, 2011 Leighann

    Why didn’t you take a picture of your baking poop?
    mmmmm…

    • December 8, 2011 Alison

      I wanted to spare you the unpleasantness of vomiting all over your keyboard.

  • December 9, 2011 Anna

    Once I wanted to make an experiment by trying out a whole new cupcake recipe. Those cupcakes then should have been taken to a party, where I promised to bake something really nice and tasty. Ehem.:) All I can tell you is that the dough was not thick enough to stay inside the paper cupcake forms, they started to live own lives while being baked in the oven, and started to crawl outside and burn! As promised (due to the lack of time), I had to take them to the party and be humiliated about how they looked. Although the taste was pretty good :).
    Anna recently wrote…tooth bondingMy Profile

    • December 9, 2011 Alison

      Oops! At least they were edible though 🙂

  • December 9, 2011 Bruna

    Oh my gosh, I wouldn’t worry if I were you. You’ve never been to my house. I’ve perfected chocolate chip cookies and that’s it!

    • December 9, 2011 Alison

      That’s a good recipe to perfect!

  • December 9, 2011 Carri

    That’s why I buy the kind in the tube. Cut, put on the sheet and bake. 😉
    Carri recently wrote…This Article Was Written By A ManMy Profile

    • December 9, 2011 Alison

      Okay I absolutely cannot do that! 🙂

  • December 10, 2011 Suniverse

    The first time I tried to make homemade ice cream I not only screwed it up royally, I yelled at the girl for dropping part of the ice cream maker on her toe.

    So, yeah, mom of the year.
    Suniverse recently wrote…Where I Tell You What To Do. Yes, You.My Profile

    • December 11, 2011 Alison

      Oops 😉

  • December 11, 2011 Lady Jennie

    Oh my friend, I have had plenty of these!
    Lady Jennie recently wrote…The TweeMy Profile

    • December 11, 2011 Alison

      I feel better now!

  • December 11, 2011 Brittany {mommy words}

    Oh man I laughed but that is because you are quite the storyteller and I am a nightmare in the kitchen. Xo
    Brittany {mommy words} recently wrote…How Can We Prevent Bullying? Start with Our Own Children.My Profile

    • December 11, 2011 Alison

      You should share your kitchen disasters with us 😉

  • December 13, 2011 francerants

    Hey…your blog won’t let me right click my blog info to the comment…oh well….

    Am catching up on your blog…and this one really post got me thinking: this happened because of Pregnancy Brain. I once tried to make pie while pregnant and ir totally interfered. Besides, eating poop baked goods could be exciting, right??

  • December 13, 2011 Alison

    I baked too when when I was pregnant the 1st time and didn’t have such a disaster. I guess with the toddler around, my brain cells have depleted, eh?

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