I Just Want A Coffee

posted in: Humor 0 comments

For the first time ever, I’m recycling an old post. I wrote this on the third day of my blogging journey and no one read it, other than my husband and sister who are the stars of this post. It does help to have old posts no one ever read when you have no inspiration eh?

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So if you’re like me, occasionally, you’ll want to pop into Starbucks or a cafe to get a decent coffee. Right? Except, I now think twice if I feel like a caffeine fix. Why, you ask. Well, it’s too much hard work. The following is my usual experience at Starbucks:

Starbucks staff (SS): Hello, good morning/ afternoon/ evening!
Me: Hi. Can I please get a TALL CAFE LATTE TO GO?
SS: A latte?
Me: Yes.
SS: Size?
Me: Tall.
SS: Hot?
Me:………er, yes, a CAFE Latte?
SS: OK. Having here?
Me: No, TO GO. TAKEAWAY.
SS: OK, tall cafe latte to go?
Me: YES FOR GOD’S SAKE, JUST MAKE THE COFFEE ALREADY. HERE’S THE MONEY. EXACT CHANGE.
SS (to co-worker): Tall Cafe Latte To Go (in that cheery, weird, sing-songy way they shout out orders).
Me: (waits more than 5 minutes for damn coffee)

This experience is not unique to me. My husband frequently comes home with similar tales. Of course he’s fussier than me. Case in point:

SS: (shouts out normal cheery, sing-songy greeting)
Husband (H): I’d like a Tall Americano To Go, HALF WATER please (he hates it when they fill it to the brim)
SS: Americano – what size?
H: Tall.
SS: To go?
H: Yes. Half water. Please, make sure of that.
SS: Yes, sir. (to co-worker): Tall Americano To Go (sing-songy)!
H: Half water, please.
SS: (to co-worker) Half water!
H: (gets coffee) Excuse me, this is too full (points to cup, full to brim).
SS: Sorry sir. (takes cup, pours half of it down the sink, hands it back). Here you go sir, thank you!!

OK, so my husband is a tad fussy about overfilled coffee cups. They only burn your tongue, mouth and throat, and spill all over your shirt when you try to tilt it to drink it. So how do you explain my sister’s experience? This was at a local coffee chain.

Coffee Chain Staff (CCS): Hello, welcome! What can I get you?
Sister (SL we shall call her): Hi, I’d like a double espresso please. Do you have decaf?
CCS: Decaf….
SL: Yes, do you have that?
CCS: Er….um….ah….I’m not sure Miss, let me check (goes off, talks to co-worker, both looking a little bewildered).
CCS: Yes Miss, decaf. We have.
SL: OK, I’d like a decaf double espresso.
CCS: (rings up bill)

At this stage, my sister is feeling slightly suspicious as to whether they did have decaf, so she watches them make the coffee. The “barista” pulls a double espresso into a cup. Then he ADDS WATER to it. Then he pours most of it away to fit it into an espresso cup. And he hands it to my former barista sister. She looks at it and asks, “Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing? I just saw you add water to this.”

CCS: Er, Miss, you wanted decaf.

He thought he could ‘decaffeinate’ the normal full strength coffee by adding water!! (you can add your own exclamation here, I went for something stronger than Oh My God)

So, I just want a coffee. Is that too much to ask?

Do you have any funny stories when you try to order coffee?

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Alison

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  • September 16, 2011 Tatter Scoops

    Hahahaa I am laughing so hard right now! Just two weeks ago my family and I were in a coffee shop – no not starbucks but just regular place. My Dad who have diabetic always ask for decaf so he said “Can I have decaf cappuccino, please.” The waiter was obviously new and confused and said “Sir, we only have what’s on the menu.” OMG!
    Tatter Scoops recently wrote…And We Are FreeMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      Hahahahaha!! Oh dear, oh dear. The Malaysian staff in cafes etc are just really poorly trained. They CANNOT be called baristas.

  • September 16, 2011 Bits of Bee

    Also, have you ever tried saying your order in a different format than they do? I ask for a tall iced vanilla latte, and they reply, “ok so an iced tall latte with a pump of vanilla?” like they’re translating my order from a different language, geesh!
    Bits of Bee recently wrote…Mama Don’t Know ShizzMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Stasha

      You made me laugh with this one, translating it!!
      Stasha recently wrote…Just.Be.EnoughMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      Dude, I can’t even get an ordinary latte, never mind asking for additional stuff!

  • September 16, 2011 Kimberly

    This is why I always send my husband in to get my coffee. πŸ˜‰
    Kimberly recently wrote…Made To Be A Boy MomMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      I do that now too! Let him deal with the morons πŸ™‚

  • September 16, 2011 Stasha

    I go through drive thru three times a week, on my way to the barn. Small town, same baristas every time in Starbucks. I order the same latte, nothing fancy. I always get something else. I sometimes pick up a double espresso with soya milk and a shot of cinnamon dolce syrup for my friend at the barn. I get the right item every time.
    The more complicated the drink, the more chances of you getting it.
    The end
    Stasha recently wrote…Just.Be.EnoughMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      That puzzles me to no end!

  • September 16, 2011 Jessica

    They never get my drink right at Starbucks which is why I prefer the local place where they know my name and my drink.
    Jessica recently wrote…The Annoyed Cool KidMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      It’s like the coffee version of Cheers then?

  • September 16, 2011 Jessica

    I wish I knew how to find it, but the first part totally reminds me of this Ray Romano sketch he did on a short-lived show called “Dr. Katz” about ordering a hamburger to go. If I find it, I’ll email you the link because it will feel like deja vu!
    Jessica recently wrote…Who am I not to be?My Profile

  • September 16, 2011 Jessica

    Ack, I don’t know why it put the YouTube video right into my comment. Sorry about that!
    Jessica recently wrote…Who am I not to be?My Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      No worries!

  • September 16, 2011 Barbara

    This is too funny! Although I would have been livid if the decaf incident happened to me! I think I’m at pro at Starubucks and have the “lingo” down, but my poor husband has a mini panic attack everytime he tries to order just a regular coffee.
    Barbara recently wrote…Unsolicited AdviceMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      It’s just too complicated these days isn’t it? And trust me, my sister was livid!

  • September 16, 2011 Kiddothings

    Thank God I don’t drink coffee! πŸ™‚
    Kiddothings recently wrote…VersatilityMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      Lucky you! It happens when I order tea too. I say, English Breakfast Tea. They say, what tea?

  • September 16, 2011 Lady Jennie

    It’s good to republish the old stuff. This is cute. But no – I don’t have these coffee problems. The French are very serious about their coffee. So are New Yorkers (the two places I’ve lived as an avid coffee drinker).
    Lady Jennie recently wrote…French Cultural EtiquetteMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      I obviously need to live in New York or France!

  • September 16, 2011 Kimberly

    We once went to a Tim Horton’s in the US (it was already a staple in Canada for YEARS before US got them) and when we got there we figured that feud be down with the lingo…
    Me: One large double double
    Dude: you want a double of what?
    Me: no ONE large double double
    Dude: what does that even mean?
    Me: oh…large coffee two creams and two sugars
    Kimberly recently wrote…There Is Something Magical In These SmilesMy Profile

    • September 16, 2011 Alison

      Hahahaha!! At least he admitted he didn’t know and didn’t try to do something funny with your coffee! I think part of the problem here (aside from poor training) is the language, English not being the first language of most ‘baristas’ here in Malaysia.

  • September 16, 2011 Kimberly

    Ps….your feed has not been working for me for some reason in the google reader. I had thought that you were taking a break or something. I just subscribed via email. Not sure if you still have a reader option but if you do you should take a peak at it πŸ˜‰
    Kimberly recently wrote…There Is Something Magical In These SmilesMy Profile

  • September 16, 2011 Evonne

    I absolutely love our coffee shop! There have been a few times where I questioned if my drink was really decaf, but my drink is usually right.

    One of the baristas on the other hand, I don’t think she likes me very much. I have been known to take my kids there just because I know it annoys her.
    Evonne recently wrote…Scrubbing desksMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      Haha, good move! I hope she doesn’t add um, stuff to your coffee because she’s annoyed πŸ™‚

  • September 16, 2011 RoryBore

    This is why I love my Keurig.

    Somedays, its the only thing that truly understands me πŸ™‚
    RoryBore recently wrote…Friday Four Fill In FunMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      We’ve given up on coffee shops, seriously. The Nespresso is working overtime here.

  • September 16, 2011 JamieAnne

    That is funny! Sad, irritating and very funny! Sometimes people just don’t follow directions.
    JamieAnne recently wrote…White Whole Wheat Banana bread, a review and a Giveaway!My Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      Exactly! They have lost the art of listening, sigh.

  • September 17, 2011 Jamie

    Glad you pulled it from the archives! I’m agitated with the coffee people too now!
    Jamie recently wrote…hey good lookin’, whatcha got cookin’My Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      I don’t have many gems in the archives, this is one of the better ones πŸ™‚

  • September 17, 2011 Optimistic Mom

    I have had experiences such as this, I think the worst is when I pulled away from the drive thru to walk in and complete my order. They just didn’t get it!! Generally, I would have just drove away but I had my heart set on it that particular morning. Now I just try to go in all the time so they understand exactly what I want.
    Optimistic Mom recently wrote…If my dog could talk – Just for LaughsMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      That’s just wrong, to have to walk in when you can’t get what you need in drive-thru!

  • September 17, 2011 Mirjam

    Haha, this was funny.
    I’m so glad I don’t like coffee.
    Mirjam recently wrote…Always changingMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      Thanks Mirjam – lucky you!

  • September 17, 2011 Amanda Austin

    And you didn’t even mention the fact that Starbucks coffee is SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE. I guess I’m just a cheapass!!
    Amanda Austin recently wrote…Celebrity Round-up: Oh, fudgeciclesMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      Oh yes, that, they ARE freaking expensive!! And recently they raised prices here in Malaysia!

  • September 17, 2011 Lanae (

    Aah yes, haven’t we all had these lovely experiences ordering coffee! The funny thing is, these people are paid pretty decently. With this economy can’t they find better people to do this job?! Cheers! (w/my coffee cup!)
    Lanae ( recently wrote…Packing a Healthy Lunch for SchoolMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      I blame it on poor training! Cheers right back! (with glass of juice)

  • September 17, 2011 Sarcasm Goddess

    That is why I never go to starbucks! I’m too intimidated cuz I don’t speak the language!
    Sarcasm Goddess recently wrote…WARNING: Stabby objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appearMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      You’re better off!

  • September 17, 2011 Mama Track

    So cute! I hate it too. And adding a toddler to the mix makes it even more challenging, doesn’t it?
    Mama Track recently wrote…Visitng Let’s Bee FriendsMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      Adding a toddler into the mix of anything makes something infinitely more challenging, yes πŸ™‚

  • September 17, 2011 Mama, Hear Me Roar

    That is why I love my home brewed coffee. I don’t have to cran my neck over the counter to check on it.
    Mama, Hear Me Roar recently wrote…Me and my geniusesMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      We have stopped going to Starbucks, surprise, surprise πŸ™‚

  • September 17, 2011 JDaniel4's Mom

    I am so glad I don’t drink coffee. It sounds like it is so complicated.
    JDaniel4’s Mom recently wrote…Read.Explore.Learn.- 1,2,3 Count with MeMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      It is way too complicated!

  • September 17, 2011 Runnermom-jen

    Hahaha!! Love this!! I don’t mess around when it comes to coffee πŸ˜‰
    Runnermom-jen recently wrote…My Advice to Mothers…My Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      We don’t either! Which is why we just make our own now πŸ™‚

  • September 17, 2011 Deborah the Closet Monster

    I feel like I’ve had it pretty lucky! Assuming I go to the Starbucks near my house and not the one near my work, my orders are made fast, accurately and with minimal to-do. They’ve actually recently started remembering my drink, to the point where one of the guys saw me walk in yesterday and said, “Wait! Let me do a price experiment!” He worked out the numbers on the cash register and determined I’d pay $2 less per drink if I went with an Americano (add soy, no water) instead of my usual. Tastes just the same to me, after you subtract out the taste of joy at saving a little! :p
    Deborah the Closet Monster recently wrote…Racial profilingMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      Now THAT is good service!

  • September 17, 2011 Kim

    This made me laugh! All the times of going to Starbucks and the same kind of conversation usually occurs for me too. It makes me really appreciate it when the barista gets my order perfect on the first repeat. My drink is a bit complicated, so I tend to hang on to my patience for 3 repeats “tall decaf soy java chip light frapp” The mistake most commonly made by the baristas is not using soymilk, and if only they knew how those of us with dairy allergies feel after drinking cow milk then they’d probably never make that mistake twice πŸ™‚
    Kim recently wrote…Interview with Writer-Mama Judy MillerMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      That is a HUGE mistake to make!

  • September 17, 2011 Ann

    This was TOO funny! I’m not a coffee drinker, but the first phrase I learned in Italian (when we lived in Sicily) was “I would like ANOTHER diet coke with ICE!”. The first diet coke was requested in English!
    Ann recently wrote…Smoked Ham and Melon CrostiniMy Profile

    • September 17, 2011 Alison

      I do believe the problems I had were language related plus poor training πŸ™‚ (wow you lived in Italy??)

  • September 17, 2011 Catheryn

    Haha!

    The local coffee chain decaf story.. FAR-NEE! What were they thinking! I would have exploded at them.

    HAHA!
    Catheryn recently wrote…Hello Canon!My Profile

    • September 18, 2011 Alison

      It was hilarious! My sister was NOT impressed πŸ™‚

  • September 17, 2011 Lola

    I hate ordering coffee at Starbucks. It’s too much like math. I have to get all the parts IN ORDER or it’s WRONG and the barista and other customers all stare at me like I’m a moron. It takes me back to my school days when the teacher would call on me and ask me to show my work on the board in front of everyone and I didn’t know how to do it! Who knew that ordering a freaking coffee could be so traumatic! I’ll just make mine at home.
    Lola recently wrote…Lola Gets SchooledMy Profile

    • September 18, 2011 Alison

      Yes, exactly! We stopped going to Starbucks!

  • September 17, 2011 My Inner Chick

    —-Glad you re-posted Mama,
    Fabulous. And we can all relate. :)))
    PS. SO glad I do not work at Starbucks cuz I’d be like, ‘Just take what I give you, Biatch!” HA
    My Inner Chick recently wrote…Always Missing YouMy Profile

    • September 18, 2011 Alison

      Hah! I AM glad you don’t work at Starbucks πŸ˜‰

  • September 18, 2011 Julie

    I’ve been wondering if it was permissible to repost stuff, and now I’m glad to see it is!

    I’ve never had trouble ordering coffee. Cheeseburgers, yes, but coffee, no. Sigh.

    And adding water to make decaf? For reals?
    Julie recently wrote…Life’s Lessons: Pride & JoyMy Profile

    • September 18, 2011 Alison

      No shame in recycling a post that everyone missed πŸ˜‰ Yes, for reals, trying to decaf coffee with water, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried!

  • September 18, 2011 Carri

    Anyone who stands between me and my coffee fix get stabbed. Even the baristas. There would be none left in your neighborhood if I went to visit.
    Carri recently wrote…Interview With World Moms BlogMy Profile

    • September 18, 2011 Alison

      And you’d be taller than all of them in Malaysia so they’ll be terrified of you πŸ˜‰

  • September 18, 2011 Robin

    This makes me glad I drink tea. πŸ™‚
    Robin recently wrote…Genius, Power and Magic: Commitment and a Leap of FaithMy Profile

    • September 18, 2011 Alison

      We just drink coffee at home now πŸ™‚

  • September 18, 2011 Kir

    LOL..well worth bringing it out again!!!

    I don’t drink coffee…but if I did, I wouldn’t enjoy starbucks, it’s too strong etc. Plus I hate going into places like this that make everything so complicated by giving you so many choices your head spins.

    Yet the way you descibe is so witty and funny. I still don’t want coffee, but it did make me giggle.
    Kir recently wrote…A Wedding in Italy: A Kimmy & David StoryMy Profile

    • September 18, 2011 Alison

      I’m glad I made you giggle!

  • September 18, 2011 Bruna

    At Starbucks, I never say my order the proper way. You know, the way the baristas say it in the proper order. I don’t care anymore. Like you said, just give me my damn cafe latte already!
    Bruna recently wrote…let’s BEE friends with Natalie!My Profile

    • September 19, 2011 Alison

      I gave up on Starbucks altogether, we haven’t been in a long time!

  • September 19, 2011 Kim

    Makes me just want to make my drinks at home!

    I’m pretty they do it just to mess with the heads of people in need of a caffeine fix!
    Kim recently wrote…Tis The SeasonMy Profile

    • September 19, 2011 Alison

      I almost wish they were doing it deliberately – at least there’s hope that they will get it right at some point. However, these muppets were just poorly trained, sigh.

  • September 19, 2011 Hopes

    Coming from the land of Starbucks I have to say they’ve got all the complicated drinks down. I go through my local drive thru Starbucks and all I have to say is my name and I’d like my usual! HA! It’s a good thing I own stock in the company huh??

    But, going to Starbucks in other states? Forget it. All the ones I’ve ever been to mess it all up. They get confused.

    Like making a Grande Decaf Nonfat No Whip Mocha is hard….gesh!
    Hopes recently wrote…Sunday Sweetness ~ One of The Sweetest SoundsMy Profile

    • September 19, 2011 Alison

      You drink a what, what, what? πŸ˜‰

  • September 19, 2011 Leigh Ann

    Since when does Starbucks care if it’s to go or not? Don’t you still get the same cup? Or do you have fancy starbucks there that give you actual mugs? Love this post.
    Leigh Ann recently wrote…An Attitude of Gratitude #17My Profile

    • September 19, 2011 Alison

      Yes, over here, they do give you fancy mugs if you’re having it there. Not very clean mugs.

  • September 19, 2011 Ashley

    Oh that is too funny! Water is supposed to make it decaf??? Oye. Some people get sick from caffeine too. Wow, what an experience!
    Ashley recently wrote…Things They Can’t Say: A ConfessionMy Profile

    • September 19, 2011 Alison

      That’s the result of poor training! My sister was appalled!

  • September 19, 2011 Sweaty

    I would probably have jumped over the counter and made the coffee myself πŸ˜‰ or stopped drinking coffee altogether…

    • September 19, 2011 Alison

      My sister told me she was extremely tempted to do so πŸ™‚ We just stopped going to Starbucks!

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