I Ask France Rants

posted in: Guest Post, Humor 0 comments

A couple of months ago, while I was on Twitter, I happened upon a tweet by @GDRPEmpress (aka The Empress of Good Day, Regular People), saying something along the lines of, “Go check this blog post out, it’s pee-inducing funny!” (this is not what she wrote, she’s far classier than that, but that’s the gist of it).

So I did. And that is how I stumbled upon France Rants. It was instant love. This rant about blog awards had me wiping tears from my eyes from laughing so hard. I spit up my coffee and snorted at this one: The Vicki-Jesus Rant. And she DRAWS!!! You know I love me a drawing blogger.

France only writes once a week on Monday, and has transformed a mundane time of the week, to the day I look forward to. So thank you dear France. It is such an honor for me today to swap blogs with you so I can interview you about all things American. And people, you can read my very detailed answers about Malaysia on France’s blog which France asked me, mostly tongue in cheek, and I get all serious on her.

And, here is France!

Alison: What’s up with not wearing white after Labor Day?

France: Most women who subscribe to this fashion rule learned it from their mothers. As such, they have no idea why this seemingly arbitrary rule exists. I may possibly fall under this category. I decided to search for the answer and discovered there seems to be several theories, which leads me to believe that the real answer is, no one knows why and yet like sheep, we continue to follow this rule anyway.

Alison: What is Black Friday? (you guys love these colored days don’t you?)

France: Black Friday is when you wear all the black things you have hanging in your closet, since your non-black clothes are dirty or are still at the dry cleaners because you forgot to pick them up.

Alison: I’m pretty sure France is pulling my leg here – right?

Alison: Are food portions really as large as they appear to be in shows like ‘Man Vs Food’?

France: I have never seen that show, but I am going to say yes. In fact, our portions are probably even larger. If you’ve ever eaten an 1800 calorie burrito from Chipotle’s, then you know what I mean.

Alison: Do Americans really understand each other, what with all the weird accents?

France: Personally, I can’t always understand people from the South (cute accents, tough idioms) and Minnesota. I also find that adults who are missing any front teeth tend to slur their words, which also makes them difficult for me to understand.

Alison: Do Americans know where Malaysia is?

France: I would wager to say some Americans don’t even know where America is, so probably not.

Alison: Do you guys prefer Independence Day or Thanksgiving as a holiday?

France: Good question, I don’t know. We should take a poll. I personally like Independence Day better because it means summer weather, BBQ, and fireworks, whereas Thanksgiving equals cold weather for much of our nation. Although Thanksgiving does mean stuffing, which is one of my favorite things to eat, yet I never make other than on Thanksgiving. (Which is stupid, right? I mean if I like, then why don’t I just make it more than once a year?)

Alison: Please explain Halloween.

France: Halloween’s roots are connected to religious celebrations originated in Celtic and European cultures (especially Catholicism) that honor the dead. Americanized over the years, it has now become a commercialized exploitation of ghoulish things. But many people do enjoy the mood (myself included).

Here’s my summation of Halloween: People may decorate their homes with spooky things prior to Halloween, and then on October 31st (the actual date of Halloween) kids dress up in outfits (some scary, some cute, some dumb) and then go around to their neighbors houses expecting to receive free candy. Then, many of the kids won’t even say ‘thank you’ after you hand them the loot, because they are impolite little turds. Some adults will dress up in costumes and go to Halloween parties, as it allows them the opportunity to pretend for an evening. In addition, odds are high that many females between the ages of 18 – 30 years old who attend said parties, will probably wear hoochie mama costumes.

Alison: Is everyone in LA beautiful?

France: Definitely not. In fact some are actually simulated-living plastic dolls, in jeopardy of spontaneously combusting in the proper conditions.

Alison: Is it common to ask people you just met what their political loyalties lie?

France: Not to my knowledge, although some people give away their political affiliations via bumper stickers they put on their cars. Which I think is kind of weird. I mean, I don’t go around advertising that I am say, intolerant of stupid people, which oddly enough, is the exact category I place those who happen to use political car bumper stickers.

Alison: With all the awesome factory outlets in America, does anyone buy retail anymore?

France: That is SUCH a crock! Factory outlet stores used to have awesome deals, one could truly purchase overstocked outstanding high quality items at low costs. However slimy retailers caught on quick and began manufacturing lower quality items designed specifically for outlet stores and as such, the original shopping premise is now missing from most outlet stores. And I know this, because I used to once be a slimy retailer buyer and thus can spot this bait and switch from a mile away.

Alison: Why do Americans care about Real Housewives, people with weird names like the Kardashians, and bachelors/ bachelorettes?

France: I am still trying to figure out why Americans care about reality stars from New Jersey, so I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

Alison: Okay, be honest: Angelina or Jennifer? Who do you Americans prefer?

France: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say most guys prefer Angelina because she is scary sexy; whereas most women will prefer Jennifer because she is good girl sexy. Personally I prefer Angelina because I think she’s a more versatile actress, as well as overall, more interesting, even though she’s a total ho for stealing Brad from Jen. Although reports are coming out that Jen stole her current boyfriend from some ‘regular’ woman, so I guess that makes Jen a ho now too. And Julia Roberts totally stole her husband from some regular woman he was married to, and no one ever seemed to complain about Julia being a ho. I guess because she is considered America’s Sweetheart and thus came out of that love triangle completely unscathed. Which leads me to believe you are only openly accused of being a Hollywood ho for stealing another woman’s man if: 1) you are scary sexy and 2) both you and the man are famous actors.

Wait, what was your original question again??

Alison: Can you guys tell Trader Joe’s to consider opening a store in Malaysia please?

France: I can’t even get stupid Trader Joe’s to open up a store 15 minutes from me, so you are going to have to go to the back of the line for that request, sister.

Alison: Do American men also leave the toilet seat up?

France: Yes. Bastards.

 ********************************************

Now, head on over to France’s blog and see my answers for her questions about Malaysia!

If you’re not in love yet, what’s wrong with you? For your weekly Monday laughs, follow her blog France Rants and stalk her on Twitter!

 Linking up with lovelinks #17.

 

Alison

Alison

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  • August 1, 2011 Jessica

    Trader Joe’s is awesome.

    Honestly, I didn’t really know where Malaysia was until I saw this picture.

    I prefer Independence Day because it’s in the summer.
    Jessica recently wrote…#SummerBlogSocial – Help MeMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      I went to a Trader Joe’s when I was in Cali a few years ago. I fell in love. Sigh.

  • August 1, 2011 Lindsay Dianne

    Their portion sizes ARE that big. It’s intense. We’re going to cross the border in 3 days, and I venture to say we’ll split 1/2 of our meals. Honestly.
    Lindsay Dianne recently wrote…The EyebrowsMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      That’s a good way to spend less, right?

  • August 1, 2011 Lindsay Dianne

    OH! And if you like drawing blogs you need to check out my friend Katelyn’s blog. It’s hilarious.
    http://www.oddbutnice.com
    Lindsay Dianne recently wrote…The EyebrowsMy Profile

  • August 1, 2011 Alexandra

    Thank you, Alison, for asking the questions all we AMERICANS were too embarrassed to ask.

    You know, especially, the one about…

    Team Angelina.

    xo
    Alexandra recently wrote…Clean? Clean, I Am NotMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      The pleasure was all mine 🙂

      XO Team Jennifer

  • August 1, 2011 Christi

    What a great post! Now, for my responses:
    1. I actually DID know where Malaysia was before seeing the map! However, I am sad to say that way too many American kids are woefully uneducated in world geography. Actually, they are woefully uneducated in many things…
    2. I definitely prefer Thanksgiving. Lots of good food, napping on the couch, football on tv. But most important, lots of good quality family time.
    3. As far as I know,there’s not a Trader’s Joe anywhere in Colorado. I have never, ever been in a Trader’s Joe. 🙁

  • August 1, 2011 mom2kiddos

    It’s sad, isn’t it that many do not know where Malaysia is but they will most likely know where Singapore is.
    mom2kiddos recently wrote…Life’s Lessons – Itchy Fingers EditionMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Malaysia hasn’t done a great job of marketing itself, has it? Unless s*x scandals involving former Deputy Prime Ministers count….. 😉

  • August 1, 2011 FranceRants

    Oh this was so much fun! Thanks for having me here Alison, you’re the best!!
    FranceRants recently wrote…France Answers Questions About America RantMy Profile

    • August 1, 2011 Alison

      France, thank YOU for this, truly. I love and enjoy your blog and after this, more than ever. You’re the best Monday muse, ever.

  • August 1, 2011 RachelJoy

    I like Angelina better as well, but more so for her brood of neapolitan kids…
    RachelJoy recently wrote…My ‘Mam to Miss’ MakeoverMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Can we agree to disagree? 😉

  • August 1, 2011 Galit Breen

    Teehee! Thanks so much for the intro friend- love!
    Galit Breen recently wrote…When Mommy SingsMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      You’re welcome! Hope you enjoy reading France as much as I do 🙂

  • August 1, 2011 Barbara

    That was absolutely hysterical!! I don’t understand the obsession with reality shows either!
    Barbara recently wrote…I’m a boy momMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      My theory? It’s like a car crash, you just can’t help it, but look tee hee.

  • August 1, 2011 Natalie

    Ha ha that was hilarious! I had a decent idea of where Malaysia was…but now I know for realz!
    Natalie recently wrote…Life’s Lessons: A Little Bit of This and That EditonMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Heh. Geography lesson over!

  • August 1, 2011 Dr. G

    Allison, you rock. These are great questions and I think they are what most non-Americans really want to know. I think this because these are the questions that our family in Israel ask us All. The. Time!

    France, I learned stuff about America from you and I was born here!

    I really enjoyed both of your posts, thanks for doing this. Great idea!
    Dr. G recently wrote…Why Do My Parents Hate My Music?My Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Thank you Dr. G, for reading both posts. So I’m not the only one who wonders about food portions and Angelina vs Jennifer eh? LOL

  • August 1, 2011 Kelley

    I am on my way to check it out!
    Kelley recently wrote…My Honeymoon With Bill O’Reilly from Fox NewsMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Thank you!

  • August 2, 2011 Elena

    Having just had a Chipotle burrito the other night, I couldn’t agree more. Our portions are huge. Case in point my jeans don’t fit anymore. 😉 Great guest spotlight here. I’ll have to definitely check out her blog because I love drawers too!
    Elena recently wrote…Summer Blog Social: Advice for OthersMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Thanks Elena, hope you enjoy reading France as much as I do!

  • August 2, 2011 Roxanne

    I thought I knew where Malaysia was…and I was kind of right. I mean, my guess was close. That counts, right?

    And I can totally find America on the map. It’s the little one just below Malaysia, right?
    Roxanne recently wrote…Summer Blog SocialMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Hahahaha! You kill me, Roxanne 🙂

      • August 2, 2011 Roxanne

        And I thought I was the only one who found me funny. 😉
        Roxanne recently wrote…David’s AccidentMy Profile

  • August 2, 2011 Staying Afloat!

    This is HILARIOUS!! Yes, the portion sizes here are HUGE! It’s ridiculous! For some reason Americans think more=better.

    I heart Trader Joe’s!
    Staying Afloat! recently wrote…Sunday SweetnessMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Ah the more=better theory. Too bad it doesn’t apply to short shorts. Hee hee.

  • August 2, 2011 Rach (DonutsMama)

    LOL. She is so funny! I’m going to have to check out her blog. I want a Trader Joe’s over here too. And that outlet mall thing? Chumps. All of ’em!
    Rach (DonutsMama) recently wrote…{Guest Post} Picture This: Easy Photography TipsMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Yes, do, your Mondays will be different!

  • August 2, 2011 Ado

    Well thank you once again for pointing me in the direction of yet another hilarious blogger. Now Mondays will hold new meaning! Yay! (-:

  • August 2, 2011 Ado

    Very funny interview. I want to learn to swear in Malay and scarf at a Mamak and shop with you all at the same time.
    Ado recently wrote…10 Things That Made Me LaughMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      If you come to Malaysia, I can guarantee you all that.

  • August 2, 2011 FranceRants

    Alison – as you can see from all the great comments on this post, I was NOT pulling your leg about Black Friday.
    FranceRants recently wrote…France Answers Questions About America RantMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Haha! I love how no one actually tells me what it is.

  • August 2, 2011 Kimberly

    I’ll be honest. I didn’t know where Malaysia was until a few weeks ago when I looked at a map.

    Independence Day is far better because it’s in the summer.

    And I’m from New Jersey. I’d make one awesomesauce reality star! 😉
    Kimberly recently wrote…Help Me!My Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Now you probably know more about me than you wanted to haha!

      With your fierce rapping skillz, I think you’d make a perfect reality star.

  • August 2, 2011 Desperate Housemommy

    Great questions. Great answers.

    My fave? The one about outlet malls. Sad, but oh, so true.

    Heading over to France for the flip side now…
    Desperate Housemommy recently wrote…Temporary InsanityMy Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Thank you! Glad you enjoyed this.

  • August 2, 2011 Kir

    oooh she is very very funny!! I will be visiting her on Mondays from now on 😉

    thanks for the introductions. 😉
    Kir recently wrote…Monday Musings: The Summer Blog Social and a Winner!!!My Profile

    • August 2, 2011 Alison

      Yes, do, you will love her! And you’re welcome 🙂

  • August 3, 2011 julie gardner

    First of all, who are all these people calling the 4th of July “Independence Day”?

    That’s a Will Smith movie.

    The holiday with the fireworks and hot dogs (and beer) is called 4th of July. At least that’s what all the ugly people in LA say. 🙂

    Secondly, I prefer Thanksgiving because of all the food food/football/bloody marys (or is that just my family?) and we get several days off in a row (usually at least four since Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday) and with the 4th, you usually only get the one day…unless it’s hooked to a weekend which is awesome, I’ll admit.

    Lastly, I want to hang with both Alison AND France, preferably on a holiday (involving pie and cocktails) and without any celebrities. You ladies are all the good time I need!

    Thanks to both of you for the laughs…XO
    julie gardner recently wrote…Today call me inked.My Profile

    • August 3, 2011 Alison

      I apologize Julie – ‘Independence Day’ is indeed a movie, my mistake. Fourth of July, Fourth of July!

      I would love to hang with you and France too. I might never recover from the laughing (and cocktails, a dangerous combination), but it’d be worth it.

      And you’re welcome. xo

  • August 3, 2011 Meg at the Members Lounge

    That was the most entertaining and clever exchange of blog interviews I have ever read. I’m glad France sent me over here!
    Meg at the Members Lounge recently wrote…A Day of Music and CultureMy Profile

    • August 3, 2011 Alison

      Thank you Meg for visiting! The idea was France’s I admit 🙂

  • August 4, 2011 Lady Jennie

    This is so funny! You’re right – she can turn any question into humor.
    Lady Jennie recently wrote…Mont St MichelMy Profile

    • August 5, 2011 Alison

      She is marvelous!

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