Birthday Guest: Baby, I’m Not Ready

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Welcome to my birthday week! I turned 35 on August 17. I do not normally care about birthdays, but turning 35 seems like a big deal to me. Hence, my gift to myself is to get other people to write my blog for me. I know, brilliant right? All this week, I will have four lovely friends who will be writing about birthdays. Please show then some love! I’ll be back next week, older and hopefully, wiser.

xoxo, Alison

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She writes like an angel, vlogs like Snoop Dogg and tweets like there’s no tomorrow. She’s Kimberly of Mama’s Monologues! She’s also one of my bloggy and Twitter besties, and I think it’s safe to say that we’re not online friends – we’re just, friends. 

I love her heartfelt stories about her three boys. I crack up at her hilarious and creative vlogs, especially the ‘K Dizzle’ series. Her latest, ‘Road to BlogHer‘ is a must watch. And if you’re up late at night and need someone to talk to, just hop on Twitter and she’ll be right there! (@mamasmonologues)

Thank you for being an awesomesauce friend, Kim. xo

 


My son had his first birthday in May. And yes, we all enjoyed it and celebrated tremendously, but I still had a tough time.

This birthday was a milestone. It marked the end of his first year. The end of his infancy.

An entrance into toddlerhood.

And I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready to see my baby turn into a walking, talking little boy.

I wasn’t ready to let go of the baby snuggles in exchange for the bumps and bruises of learning how to stumble around in this unknown, awkward world.

I wasn’t ready to give up those big goofy toothless baby grins.

I wasn’t ready for him to give up his dependence on me to go out and explore the world around him.

I wasn’t ready.

I wanted to hold on.

He was just a tiny little guy. He was still unsteady. Unsure.

I wanted to return to the days of swaddling in receiving blankets and bathing in the infant tub.

I wanted to scoop him up and hold him in the crook of my arm.

I wanted to gently rock him back and forth, back and forth, in the dark as the rest of the house was completely still and quiet.

I wanted to feel him nestle into my neck as he softly whispered those baby coos in my ear.

I wanted to gently whisper those sweet little lullabies in his ear and watch his tiny little

newborn body curl into me.

I wasn’t ready.

Late that night, after the guests had said their goodbyes, the decorations were removed and the tracings from the party had been cleaned up, I went upstairs.

I quietly walked into his room and tip-toed over to his crib. I glanced down at him sleeping. Curled up into a sweet little ball, eyes fluttering as he quietly drifted through dreamland.

Memories of his precious first year here with us flashed through my mind as tears filled my eyes.

In one quick instant I replayed holding him for the first time. Our journey home from the hospital. Our first night at home as a family.

I heard his first cries, saw his first smile, felt his first cuddle. I watched him roll over and begin to crawl. I fed him his first bite of cereal.

I sat in the dark during his night time feeding, rocking him gently back and forth. He curled up on my chest and softly fell asleep.

Hot tears flowed down my cheeks as I longed to get those moments back.

But then it hit me. He’s still my baby.

I gently leaned over and softly kissed his chubby little cheek.

I quietly whispered a hushed “Happy Birthday” in his ear.

He may not always fit in the crook of my elbow, but that sweet little baby will always be mine.

 

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Thank you for your beautiful words, Kim, and for helping me celebrate my birthday week.

I can absolutely relate to not being able to let go of the baby years. Can you?

Alison

Alison

Alison

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  • August 19, 2011 Rach (DonutsMama)

    I love that last line–that he may be too big for your arms, but he’ll always be your baby. So sweet. I love Kim’s heartfelt writing.
    Rach (DonutsMama) recently wrote…So How’d You Meet? Lisa & JohnMy Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      Aw, thank you Rach. It’s sad when they grow out of your arms, but they will never grow out of your heart.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Mrs. Weber

    So beautiful, Kim! My baby’s first b-day is approaching fast and I’m sure I’ll be sobbing, too and missing these same moments. They grow up so fast, eh?
    Mrs. Weber recently wrote…Lessons My Daughter Teaches MeMy Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      Oh my, it happens WAY too fast. I admit, it’s not just their first birthday that I cry at. My oldest just turned 11 and I still sobbed. #BigBaby
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Jessica

    Love you both and such a sweet post from Kim! So bittersweet to watch our little ones grow up, especially when it’s our youngest.
    Jessica recently wrote…Parenting As a Young MomMy Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      Thanks, Jessica! Growing up sure does tug at a mother’s heartstrings. I wish we could keep them little forever!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Runnermom-jen

    Awww, you should have warned me I’d need some Kleenex. Beautiful post, Kim.
    Runnermom-jen recently wrote…Life Lessons…From ChildrenMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Laura

    Ahh, the baby years. I am tearing up as I read this. One of my babies is now 3, and the other will be 1 in September, and I was feeling this very thing the other day. They grow too fast. I longed for the time when I could have my sleepless nights back, but I cringe at the thought of that precious baby stage being over. While they will always be our babies – that much is for sure – there’s still something special about them when they are so tiny. Beautiful post.
    Laura recently wrote…Help a Pediatric Stroke Survivor’s Dream Come True!My Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      Oh those tiny baby days are beyond precious. I still choke back tears at the thought of my little ones growing up.

      Thank you, so much.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Galit Breen

    Oh my yes- I can so relate to this heartfelt, lovely post!

    Beautiful as always Kim {& Alison!}!
    Galit Breen recently wrote…The Post That Broke My BlogMy Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      Thank you, Galit. It really tears me apart when my kids get older. I wish they could stay tiny forever!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Dr. G

    Alison, you were really inspired to invite these beautiful writers here this week. What a great gift to all of us for your birthday. Kim, you reminded me why my kids are all 2 years apart! I get nostalgic at age 1, nudge my husband… My youngest is almost 3 and we’re done (at least biologically) but I feel you. Thank you for sharing that late night moment.
    Dr. G recently wrote…4 year old Jekyll and HydeMy Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      Oh I know the feeling. I get that urge too!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

    • August 21, 2011 Alison

      Thank you for saying that :)These guests? Are a gift to me. Sharing them was a no-brainer.

  • August 19, 2011 Mandi

    My baby girl isn’t even a year yet and I feel like she is growing up too quickly. Beautiful post! Happy birthday, Alison!
    Mandi recently wrote…Fun with CameraMy Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      It always feels like it’s too quick, no matter what age. Enjoy these little moments now!

      And thank you, so much!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 tracy

    Well gosh…now I’m sobbing. Also I think I’m going to crawl into the crib with my baby.
    tracy recently wrote…First World Problems – Living Without a Microwave Oven…My Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      Thinking about this makes me cry. Why do they grow up so fast?! It’s really unfair to us!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Robin

    Aw. Yes, I know. It must be so hard with the littlest.
    Robin recently wrote…Changing of the (Right) GuardMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Amy

    I actually teared up at this post! Recently I was going through old photos and the ones of my now 8 and 6 year old boys just killed me!

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      I have such a hard time looking through old pictures for the same reason. I will sit there for hours going through them, sobbing. I wish we could freeze time!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Jenni Chiu

    Waaaaaahhhh!! I completely relate to this. When my son turned two it really hit me. The whole “by myself” phase started, and running instead of walking. Now he’s three, and I’m breaking down all over again before he starts preschool. But like you said he’ll always be my baby.
    Aw Jeez- I gotta go look at some baby pics now…
    Jenni Chiu recently wrote…Hail to the evolution of parenting.My Profile

    • August 19, 2011 Kimberly

      My middle son is getting into the independent stage now and it’s killing me every time he wants to do something on his own!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 mom2kiddos

    Nope – can never let go of those baby years. And recollecting them will always make me cry. That’s just what this post did.
    mom2kiddos recently wrote…Photo Guessing Fun #5 AnswerMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      Thinking back ALWAYS makes me cry! I have a feeling as time goes on it will get even harder!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Kadie

    Oh my goodness, Kim, I think you make me cry at least twice a month!
    Kadie recently wrote…All SmilesMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Alison

    Kim, I totally intended to be the first to write and thank you for being here today, but playdate was calling! Your post made me hold my little one closer. Loved it! #babyfever

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      Thank you for having me here today. I loved writing it! #babyfevermagnified
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Janie

    Such a heartfelt post, Kim. I don’t think I will be able to let go of baby years…ever.
    A belated Happy Birthday, Alison!
    Janie recently wrote…Keep still.My Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      I agree. I don’t think I’ll ever let go of those years. They’re just so precious!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

    • August 21, 2011 Alison

      Thank you!

  • August 19, 2011 Ann

    What a beautiful tribute to you sweet baby boy.

    I particularly remember my oldest grandson. He was the sweetest powdery smelling baby and such a warm armful….. *sigh*

    Now he’s this smelly boy with big feet and a skate board tucked under his arm with a book bag on his back.
    Ann recently wrote…Whole Wheat BreadMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      Haha! My oldest is now a smelly stinky pre-teen. How did that happen?!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 story

    Oh. I feel this. I so do. Even though I know it wasn’t all perfect, I long for those early days too. And I’m so not ready for Baby Girl to turn one next month. Such a beautiful post.
    story recently wrote…MomnesiaMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      None of the years are ever perfect. But those sweet little moments are so precious. Hold on to them. Remember them. Those are the ones that matter years from now.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Natalie

    Awww….he will always be your baby! Now I’ve got tears in my eyes after reading that!
    Natalie recently wrote…It’s the Simple Things in LifeMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      They certainly will always be our babies. It just really stinks watching them grow up and away!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Barbara

    So beautiful and the perfect words to capture the emotion of a first birthday!
    Barbara recently wrote…Taking LessonsMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      Thank you! That first birthday is happy, but at the same time it tugs on your heart. It’s every emotion all rolled into one.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Kir

    oh Kim, I’m so teary. Lately I miss these days too, like I want to put them back in their cribbies and just keep them little and smelling like Baby Magic. I so “Get this” and I am hugging you from here my friend. *sigh* xo
    Kir recently wrote…Proud Mommy Moments: Elena from Mommy is in Timeout Came ByMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      I would love to keep them itty bitty forever! The day my 2 year old transitioned into a toddler bed I cried. Big fat ugly tears. So yes, I’d love to put him back in his crib too!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 19, 2011 Jessica

    So sweet Kim. He will always be your baby and you will always be his mom. A special thing.
    Jessica recently wrote…Afraid of 30My Profile

  • August 19, 2011 My Inner Chick

    —Beautiful.
    Never ready. Never.
    thank you for a lovely post. 🙂
    My Inner Chick recently wrote…Are You Bloggable?My Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Lindsey

    I couldn’t wait for my first two to get out of the little baby stage, but with my third I’ve taken a lot more time to enjoy it. When #4 (the last one) starts growing up I’ll probably be weepy. Though to console me I’ll be getting rid of cribs/change table/exersaucer and all the other HUGE baby furniture… and be able to actually decorate my house.
    I hope I don’t regret my sometimes wanting them to grow up and get out already.
    Lindsey recently wrote…New blog series: “Enjoy the Carnival.”My Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      I would love to be able to decorate my house with something other than big bulky baby furniture and toys, but at the same time, I’m holding on to their baby years. I know it won’t last long.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 KLZ

    It goes fast. But you’re right: they will always be our baby. Hell, we practically OWN them.

    I’m being sarcastic.

    Mostly.
    KLZ recently wrote…Guest Post of InsanityMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      Oh no, you’re right. We do own them! And that famous line, “I gave you life and I’ll take it back”… Yeah, I used that. A lot.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

    Dude, you are so not supposed to make me cry. My “baby” turned 3…T.H.R.E.E on sunday and I thought that I was going to just die. It goes by so SO fast. But I think what we have to realize is, that no matter how old they get, they will always ALWAYS be our babies.
    Kimberly recently wrote…My Son, You’re GrowingMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      It goes by far too fast! I wish time would slow down!

      And happy birthday to Chunky!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Mama Track

    This is so lovely. And completely unfair for a pregnant woman to read. Seriously. On the one hand, I’m crying because my toddler is 2 and won’t ever be a baby again. And on the other, I’ve got the emotion of preparing for my second.

    What a wonderful post!
    Mama Track recently wrote…Out of the Mouths of BabesMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 tori

    First of all, how does one vlog like Snoop Dogg? I want to learn! Second, this post is true to the heart of EVERY mama. I remember insisting to friends and family that this party was just to celebrate it almost being Autumn instead of my son’s 1st birthday party!

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      Those birthdays really have a way of pulling on our hearts!

      And the vlogging? It’s easy as long as you aren’t afraid to make a fool of yourself. 😉
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Jamie

    I’ve got my last babies at 7 months old and I’m already fretting them growing up. You want them to but you don’t. Circle of life I suppose!
    Jamie recently wrote…because that’s what she doesMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      I love to see them grow into their own person, but I hate to watch them grow up, if that makes sense. This motherhood thing is too hard!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Kristin

    My daughter is 20 months old and I’m only now, finally, able to start letting go of her infancy. There was a period, though, between about 16 months and now when I had a really hard time with it. A really, REALLY hard time.

    I think I’m finally past that now, but I can still relate to this post. And I also still sit in front of her crib at night trying to seek out my baby in her sleeping face. I know she’s in there. And probably always will be.
    Kristin recently wrote…Snapshot of a MarriageMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      Oh I had a terrible time admitting that I had to accept it! And truth? I have to sneak into their rooms each night and see them sleeping. If I don’t, I can’t fall asleep. I’m weird, I know.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Amanda Austin

    OMG! You made me cry. And this isn’t the first time you’ve done so, little lady. I love this post and feel it so much. I can’t believe how fast this first year is going and I’m nto ready either, although I have 3 more months until his first birthday!
    Amanda Austin recently wrote…Celebrity Round-up: Celebrate good timesMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      I know it’s cliche, but it really goes by so fast! I still have moments where I get upset over it!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Sammie Love

    Kim I felt the same way about my little baby when I dropped my son off on Wednesday at his new Middle School! Thank you for this post.
    Sammie Love recently wrote…15 Ways to help a Friend or Loved One with CancerMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      My oldest baby is starting middle school in 2 weeks. In June he had a little graduation from elementary school. I cried my eyes out that night! I can’t believe how quickly the last decade went!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 jackie

    Beautiful post! I actually started crying today telling my husband how sad I was dropping my son off at school today. He started kindergarten yesterday, and this is his second year at school, but when I dropped him off and he smiled and waved good bye, he just looked so grown up. And, I just got so sad. But like you said, they will always be our babies.
    jackie recently wrote…Things I can learn from my sonMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      My oldest is in middle school and I still look at him and think, when did he get so old?! Time goes by so fast.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Desperate Housemommy

    My baby is seven. Just about every day I ask him, “What will you always be?”

    The correct reply – the one he uses when he’s not feeling snarky – is “Your baby.”

    True story.
    Desperate Housemommy recently wrote…Summer 2011: A Look BackMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Kelley

    That is so sweet!! He will always be yours. 🙂
    Kelley recently wrote…Different Names For People Who Wear SunglassesMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Theresa

    It is so hard to let go. I cant believe my oldest is off to kindergarten next week!
    Theresa recently wrote…The Army is Fired, Momma {Life’s Lessons}My Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      I really wish it weren’t so hard to let go. Then again, if it wasn’t hard then I wouldn’t feel like I’ve fallen in love with them enough.
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Dana K

    This is another home run, Kimberly! Beautifully written. You are such a loving mom.

    I didn’t realize our boys were so close in age (Klaw was born at the end of March).
    Dana K recently wrote…Eli Rose Social Media Blog AssessmentMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      Thank you!

      Aw, I didn’t know they were that close either! See? If we lived closer they could be buddies!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 By Word of Mouth Musings

    Beautiful!
    He will always be your baby,
    the baby,
    the youngest …
    and the others – they will be jealous 😉
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently wrote…Down the AisleMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Hopes

    Beautiful and heartbreaking all that the same time. Maybe it’s because I just went through this with my last baby. He turned a year old in June and much like you I wasn’t ready. Not even one little bit ready.
    Hopes recently wrote…Mourning YouMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 dweej

    Oh, Kim is so sweet and wonderful isn’t she?

    This totally made me tear up! Letting the baby stop being a baby is just….SO HARD…
    dweej recently wrote…7 Quick Takes Friday: The one with the embarrassing videoMy Profile

    • August 20, 2011 Kimberly

      You are making me blush! Thank you!

      I still have trouble letting them grow up. It is so unbelievably hard!
      Kimberly recently wrote…Baby, I’m Not ReadyMy Profile

  • August 20, 2011 Crystal

    I can totally relate. I’ve been dealing with the other end recently. My one and only, Mini-Me, turns 18 September 10th. I can’t figure out how this happened. I’ve been looking through pictures of her growing up and just can’t wrap my mind around how my sweet little 6lb, 6oz girl has turned into this almost-woman, taller than I am! The years just seem to pass by in the blink of an eye.

    Such a sweet story!

  • August 20, 2011 Poppy

    That was so sweet and so true. After we made the decision that our family was the size it was meant to be every milestone breaks my heart.
    Poppy recently wrote…A Campfire StoryMy Profile

  • August 21, 2011 Bruna

    I feel the same way about my 3 year-old daughter. She’s growing up so fast and the more independent she becomes the sadder I feel. I want my baby back. You’re right though, she’s always be my baby no matter how fast she grows up.

    Sweet post, Kim!
    Bruna recently wrote…let’s BEE friends with … Rusti !My Profile

  • August 21, 2011 Grumpy Grateful Mom

    Such a sweet story. My littlest guy just tuned 18 months. I was looking at his still sweet little legs today and missing their old baby chunkiness. But, at the same moment taking joy in his newfound interests and humor. I’m also so glad he will always be mine as I get to watch him on his journey.
    Grumpy Grateful Mom recently wrote…Check Out My New Look!My Profile

  • August 22, 2011 liz

    As Maddie was approaching 3, I felt like the baby stuff was fully gone. But with it came school and potty training and a big girl bed…still exciting times, but just in a different way.
    liz recently wrote…Introducing: iPhone Photo PhunMy Profile

  • August 23, 2011 Elaine

    Oh Kim, why do you INSIST on making me cry??? 😉

    So beautiful and sweet. I’m done having babies so this really hits home with me. And mine will be 2 in just a few short weeks – ACK!!!
    Elaine recently wrote…A BlessingwayMy Profile

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