However, the challenge in writing (for me at least) is to take myself out of my box, my comfort zone.
However, when the red dress club prompt this week asked, what does your character – or you – want most? So my heart told me to write it down. My greatest want.
I want another child.
Just writing that, my heart beat faster.
Yes, I do want another child. I know that in my last post, I wrote that my life was complete with the birth of my son. At the time, it was. I felt complete.
However, when he was about 9 months old, we started talking about a second child. A sibling for him. We both grew up with 3 siblings each and could not imagine being an only child.
I only have one niece, he therefore only has one cousin.
I think about how lonely it’d be for him when he’s older. Without someone to grow up with, to play with, to tease, to annoy, to talk to, to confide in, to protect, to love.
Sure, he’ll make friends at kindergarten, at school, at university, at work. It’s just not the same.
It’s not all about him though.
It’s also about me.
It’s about my desire to bring forth new life, once again.
It’s about my desire to nurse and bond with a brand new human being.
We have talked about having another baby, and agreed that we will start trying when our son is closer to 2 years old. He’s 17 months now and I’m getting a tad impatient. Antsy even.
I’m still nursing, which has resulted in no periods. I don’t know if I’m ovulating. I don’t think so. It concerns me slightly. I haven’t weaned him, he hasn’t tried to self-wean, and I don’t want to do it just so I can get pregnant. He is not ready. I don’t want to force it.
I don’t want to put aside the wellbeing of my child who is here now, for one who is yet to be.
I love my son. With all my heart. But I have more love to give.
We haven’t really started trying, because my body doesn’t seem to be cooperating.
But the want, the ache, is there, and it’s deep.
What I want is a new completeness. For me, my husband, my son. For our family, meant to be four.
I’d just like to add that I am not talking about infertility, as I don’t know if that’s the case. I know that when I stop nursing, chances are, I can try with earnest and we probably won’t have any issues. It’s a matter of time, he’s not going to breastfeed forever, I do realize that. I’m just impatient and broody, the desire is so great, it’s consuming me. I see babies everywhere, people!