A new completeness

posted in: Baby, Motherhood 0 comments
This is going to be a difficult post to write. I usually do the funny, the short and sweet, the lighthearted, the  cute vlogs.

However, the challenge in writing (for me at least) is to take myself out of my box, my comfort zone.

I haven’t truly bared my soul here on the blog. I intentionally keep it lighthearted and fun, happy and sweet. Because most days, I feel that way. And I want to share that.

However, when the red dress club prompt this week asked, what does your character – or you –  want most? So my heart told me to write it down. My greatest want.

I want another child.

Just writing that, my heart beat faster.

Yes, I do want another child. I know that in my last post, I wrote that my life was complete with the birth of my son. At the time, it was. I felt complete.

However, when he was about 9 months old, we started talking about a second child. A sibling for him. We both grew up with 3 siblings each and could not imagine being an only child.

I only have one niece, he therefore only has one cousin.

I think about how lonely it’d be for him when he’s older. Without someone to grow up with,  to play with, to tease, to annoy, to talk to, to confide in, to protect, to love.

Sure, he’ll make friends at kindergarten, at school, at university, at work. It’s just not the same.

It’s not all about him though.

It’s also about me.

It’s about my desire to bring forth new life, once again.

……. to feel the miracle of life growing inside my belly.
……. to feel the kicks and punches, the rolling around in my womb.
……. to hear the heartbeat of a growing baby, knowing he/ she is waiting to join us.

It’s about my desire to nurse and bond with a brand new human being.

…….. to hug a warm tiny body close to my chest.
…….. to smell the sweet smell of baby skin and hair.
……. to look in wonder upon tiny fingers and toes.

We have talked about having another baby, and agreed that we will start trying when our son is closer to 2 years old. He’s 17 months now and I’m getting a tad impatient. Antsy even.

I’m still nursing, which has resulted in no periods. I don’t know if I’m ovulating. I don’t think so. It concerns me slightly. I haven’t weaned him, he hasn’t tried to self-wean, and I don’t want to do it just so I can get pregnant. He is not ready. I don’t want to force it.

I don’t want to put aside the wellbeing of my child who is here now, for one who is yet to be.

I love my son. With all my heart. But I have more love to give.

We haven’t really started trying, because my body doesn’t seem to be cooperating.

But the want, the ache, is there, and it’s deep.

What I want is a new completeness. For me, my husband, my son. For our family, meant to be four.

I’m just waiting for my body to catch up.

I’d just like to add that I am not talking about infertility, as I don’t know if that’s the case. I know that when I stop nursing, chances are, I can try with earnest and we probably won’t have any issues. It’s a matter of time, he’s not going to breastfeed forever, I do realize that. I’m just impatient and broody, the desire is so great, it’s consuming me. I see babies everywhere, people!

Alison

Alison

Alison

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  • June 3, 2011 Leighann

    Allison.
    Beautifully written.
    I do not have the ache yet. My baby is only 13 months and sometimes when I look at her I wonder if I will ever want another one.
    But this is a fear.
    My fear of PPD returning.
    I do get baby fever when one is around.
    I long to hold them, to take them from their mommy's and pull them into me.
    But then I remember my daughter is still a baby.
    She still cuddles with me.
    Friends assure me the tug for another will come in time.
    Your post assures me the tug will come.
    In time.

    when your son is ready to wean he will.
    He so will.
    When you're fully ready to try for your next you will feel that tug, I know this.

  • June 3, 2011 Leighann

    Allison.
    Beautifully written.
    I do not have the ache yet. My baby is only 13 months and sometimes when I look at her I wonder if I will ever want another one.
    But this is a fear.
    My fear of PPD returning.
    I do get baby fever when one is around.
    I long to hold them, to take them from their mommy's and pull them into me.
    But then I remember my daughter is still a baby.
    She still cuddles with me.
    Friends assure me the tug for another will come in time.
    Your post assures me the tug will come.
    In time.

    when your son is ready to wean he will.
    He so will.
    When you're fully ready to try for your next you will feel that tug, I know this.

  • June 3, 2011 story girl

    What a beautiful post. Your son is lucky to have you for a mom, and so will his sibling(s) be. I know I'm not ready for #2 yet, but even so when I see tiny babies I feel a twinge.

  • June 3, 2011 story girl

    What a beautiful post. Your son is lucky to have you for a mom, and so will his sibling(s) be. I know I'm not ready for #2 yet, but even so when I see tiny babies I feel a twinge.

  • June 3, 2011 Jayme

    Oh I know the feeling, of wanting another one! It can be so strong sometimes.

  • June 3, 2011 Jayme

    Oh I know the feeling, of wanting another one! It can be so strong sometimes.

  • June 3, 2011 Melanie

    Such vulnerability. I, too, can relate. The pull of wanting another one can be so strong. Even after multiple kids (as is in my case).

    Thanks for sharing what's deep in your heart.

    Visiting from TRDC.

  • June 3, 2011 Melanie

    Such vulnerability. I, too, can relate. The pull of wanting another one can be so strong. Even after multiple kids (as is in my case).

    Thanks for sharing what's deep in your heart.

    Visiting from TRDC.

  • June 3, 2011 Far From Perfect MaMMa

    Ah Allison, I can relate to part of your post. I am actually in the position right now to be the one to choose. My husband would love for me to pop out 14 babies (Samoans are like that). But with my being 40 next year that just isn't going to happen. Age really has nothing to do with it! It's my sanity. I too always said I didn't want my child to be without a sibling. Yet after she was born I was DONE! I wanted my body back. Yes, I was quite selfish. MM and I are talking about it again and he is leaving the decision up to me. He totally supports whatever my decision will be. However I fear that if I chose to try again that we will not be able to (Pule was a miracle according to our doctor). Then I would have to deal with disappointment. But for MM to possibly have a boy? I would want to be able to give that gift to him if God allowed. That's the key for me. Whatever God chooses. Great post. Thanks for sharing a bit of your heart with us. Sorry for the long comment! 🙂

  • June 3, 2011 Far From Perfect MaMMa

    Ah Allison, I can relate to part of your post. I am actually in the position right now to be the one to choose. My husband would love for me to pop out 14 babies (Samoans are like that). But with my being 40 next year that just isn't going to happen. Age really has nothing to do with it! It's my sanity. I too always said I didn't want my child to be without a sibling. Yet after she was born I was DONE! I wanted my body back. Yes, I was quite selfish. MM and I are talking about it again and he is leaving the decision up to me. He totally supports whatever my decision will be. However I fear that if I chose to try again that we will not be able to (Pule was a miracle according to our doctor). Then I would have to deal with disappointment. But for MM to possibly have a boy? I would want to be able to give that gift to him if God allowed. That's the key for me. Whatever God chooses. Great post. Thanks for sharing a bit of your heart with us. Sorry for the long comment! 🙂

  • June 3, 2011 Kir

    That was gorgeous my friend and an ache I am sure that every mom feels as her first baby grows from an infant to a toddler. I felt that craving, that want for a while (and still do) but my body did not cooperate so well the first time and we didn't want to chance it.

    When you want something so badly, you will see it all around and I'm sorry right now that the babies are all around. My hope is that when it is time your wish comes true quickly and with great joy.

  • June 3, 2011 Kir

    That was gorgeous my friend and an ache I am sure that every mom feels as her first baby grows from an infant to a toddler. I felt that craving, that want for a while (and still do) but my body did not cooperate so well the first time and we didn't want to chance it.

    When you want something so badly, you will see it all around and I'm sorry right now that the babies are all around. My hope is that when it is time your wish comes true quickly and with great joy.

  • June 3, 2011 Renee

    So beautifully written. I'm sure when the timing it right you wish will come true.
    Make sure you let us know when it happens!

  • June 3, 2011 Renee

    So beautifully written. I'm sure when the timing it right you wish will come true.
    Make sure you let us know when it happens!

  • June 3, 2011 France Rants

    Good for you for being brave….I'm not so willing to go there on my blog…

    And two is a good number, although on some days it feels like 5….

  • June 3, 2011 France Rants

    Good for you for being brave….I'm not so willing to go there on my blog…

    And two is a good number, although on some days it feels like 5….

  • June 3, 2011 Jessica

    I think when the time is right it will happen for you. Or at least, that is what I believe.

  • June 3, 2011 Jessica

    I think when the time is right it will happen for you. Or at least, that is what I believe.

  • June 3, 2011 Christi

    awwww… good for you for being brave and honest in this post. I like having two kids, but mine are a decade apart, so that has challenges of it's own.

  • June 3, 2011 Christi

    awwww… good for you for being brave and honest in this post. I like having two kids, but mine are a decade apart, so that has challenges of it's own.

  • June 3, 2011 Kimberly

    Alison, I heart you. Honestly. This post is exactly how my heart has been feeling lately. I am SO ready for another baby. My desire is far beyond controllable at this point. I know when the timing is right, it will happen. But I just wish it were NOW.

  • June 3, 2011 Kimberly

    Alison, I heart you. Honestly. This post is exactly how my heart has been feeling lately. I am SO ready for another baby. My desire is far beyond controllable at this point. I know when the timing is right, it will happen. But I just wish it were NOW.

  • June 3, 2011 Cheeseboy

    This intense post just happens to be the first one I read of yours? Well, it was good.

    Four happened to be the magic number for my wife and I. We thought about one more but four really is magic.

  • June 3, 2011 Cheeseboy

    This intense post just happens to be the first one I read of yours? Well, it was good.

    Four happened to be the magic number for my wife and I. We thought about one more but four really is magic.

  • June 3, 2011 Kimberly

    Your heart always knows when it's the right time 😉

  • June 3, 2011 Kimberly

    Your heart always knows when it's the right time 😉

  • June 3, 2011 mamatrack.com

    First of all, I think you will make an awesome mom to another lucky little baby.

    I nursed the toddler until he was 20 months. I conceived during that time, and it's going well. I wasn't nursing a ton (just a couple times a day), but it can happen. I weaned the little guy after I got pregnant–being pregnant and nursing is hard.

    Or you can wait to wean–either way, it's your choice.

    Good luck!

  • June 3, 2011 mamatrack.com

    First of all, I think you will make an awesome mom to another lucky little baby.

    I nursed the toddler until he was 20 months. I conceived during that time, and it's going well. I wasn't nursing a ton (just a couple times a day), but it can happen. I weaned the little guy after I got pregnant–being pregnant and nursing is hard.

    Or you can wait to wean–either way, it's your choice.

    Good luck!

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Alison Profile PictureI'm Alison. Writer, a mother of four (two boys and boy/ girl twins), social media enthusiast and book lover. A believer in the power of chocolate and hugs. Chugging coffee as I type. Want to know more?

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