So if you’re like me, occasionally, you’ll want to pop into Starbucks, or Coffee Bean or a cafe to get a decent coffee. Right? Except, I now think twice if I feel like a caffeine fix. Why, you ask. Well, it’s too much hard work. The following is my usual experience at Starbucks:
Starbucks staff (SS): Hello, good morning/ afternoon/ evening!
Me: Hi. Can I please get a TALL CAFE LATTE TO GO?
SS: A latte?
Me:………er, yes, a CAFE Latte?
SS: OK. Having here?
Me: No, TO GO. TAKEAWAY.
SS: OK, tall cafe latte to go?
Me: YES FOR GOD’S SAKE, JUST MAKE THE COFFEE ALREADY. HERE’S THE MONEY. EXACT CHANGE.
SS (to co-worker): Tall Cafe Latte To Go (in that cheery, weird, sing-songy way they shout out orders).
Me: (waits more than 5 minutes for damn coffee)
This experience is not unique to me. My husband frequently comes home with similar tales. Of course he’s fussier than me. Case in point:
SS: (shouts out normal cheery, sing-songy greeting)
Husband (H): I’d like a Tall Americano To Go, HALF WATER please (he hates it when they fill it to the brim)
SS: Americano – what size?
SS: To go?
H: Yes. Half water. Please, make sure of that.
SS: Yes, sir. (to co-worker): Tall Americano To Go (sing-songy)!
H: Half water, please.
SS: (to co-worker) Half water!
H: (gets coffee) Excuse me, this is too full (points to cup, full to brim).
SS: Sorry sir. (takes cup, pours half of it down the sink, hands it back). Here you go sir, thank you!!
OK, so my husband is a tad fussy about overfilled coffee cups. They only burn your tongue, mouth and throat, and spill all over your shirt when you try to tilt it to drink it. So how do you explain my sister’s experience? This was at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.
CBTL Staff (CS): Hello, welcome! What can I get you?
Sister (SL we shall call her): Hi, I’d like a double espresso please. Do you have decaf?
SL: Yes, do you have that?
CS: Er….um….ah….I’m not sure Miss, let me check (goes off, talks to co-worker, both looking a little bewildered).
CS: Yes Miss, decaf. We have.
SL: OK, I’d like a decaf double espresso.
CS: (rings up bill)
At this stage, my sister is feeling slightly suspicious as to whether they did have decaf, so she watches them make the coffee. The “barista” pulls a double espresso into a cup. Then he ADDS WATER to it. Then he pours most of it away to fit it into an espresso cup. And he hands it to my former barista sister. She looks at it and asks, “Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing? I just saw you add water to this.”
CS: Er, Miss, you wanted decaf.
He thought he could ‘decaffeinate’ the normal full strength coffee by adding water!! (you can add your own exclamation here, I went for something stronger than Oh My God)
So, I just want a coffee. Is that too much to ask?